This summer I started re-reading the Bible. I’d read it cover to cover, then re-read the New Testament start to finish and now I’m reading it in historical sequence, which is kind of cool. In previous years, I’d only read passages at a time, maybe a chapter or a few pages, perhaps an entire book, but in the last few years, it’s become so much more. I’m in Psalms and 2 Samuel reading David’s writing in between cave dwelling, escaping to the wilderness and running from Saul. A friend once told me, “Psalms is so depressing”. I hear ya. It can be, but not to someone who has felt despair. I’ve often looked as Psalms as a writing that encompasses EVERY emotion you could ever feel in your lifetime.
As I page through and look at what I’ve underlined or written in the margins of the pages, I’m encouraged.
Hear my prayer. . . hear my cry for help. . . Lord, I am weak heal me. . . My eyes are dimmed with sorrow. . . Why do you stand at a distance and pay no heed to those in troubled times. . . In the Lord I take refuge. . . the Lord tests the good and the bad. . . how long Lord? How long must I carry sorry in my soul, grief in my heart day after day. . . Let me be filled with your presence. . .you have tried me by fire. . . I call upon you answer me O God. . . I love you Lord my strength, my rock. . . You lead me, you restore my strength Even though I walk through a dark valley I fear no harm for you are at my side . . . I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come. . . I will wait for you O Lord In you I trust. . . have pity on my for I am alone and afflicted Relieve the troubles of my heart, bring me out of this distress . . . The Lord reigns as king forever!
Talk about your up’s and down’s, I feel you, David! There are more psalms of lament than any other type. Lament – a passionate expression of grief or sorrow. They typically begin with a cry for help and end with certainty that God has heard the prayer, psalms of thanksgiving. I’d say every day of my life is like this. My thoughts repeat over and over again, lamenting for my son. They sometimes turn to anger and desperation. Where ARE you, God!? How long will we have to live with this pain? They always route back to His word, what I know to be true, and to my gratitude for God’s place in my life.
This weekend we were at a race (cars, not running) and there was a big banner, probably 8 feet high and 10 feet wide and you could grab a marker and write what you are thankful for. Colton and I stood there and read a few of them. Lots of shout-out’s to “family”, “friends”, “my dog”. Colton grabbed a marker and without any input from me he wrote “the cross”. I had to stand back and take that in. First, I was amazed that my sweet 10-year old didn’t write “my gecko” or “my skateboard”, he went to the heart of what really matters and what we should all be thankful for. Without the cross, without the sacrifice Jesus made to die for the sins of the earth and the sins to come, we would not have the chance for salvation that we have today.
Let me side-step on this topic a bit, I promise you I’ll come back. A friend of mine forwarded a video to me a couple months ago for Dr. Joe Dispenza. He is an author, speaker, educator, researcher on the mind-body connection and is pretty fascinating to listen to. I’ve watched several of his interviews now. He states that our thoughts are connected to our future; in a nutshell our thoughts create our reality. We think 60-70,000 thoughts in ONE day and get this. . .90% of these thoughts are the SAME thoughts we had the day before! The same thoughts lead to the same choices, the same choices lead to the same behaviors and the same behaviors create the same experiences , the same experiences produce the same emotion. Those emotions drive the same thoughts. Ohmigosh, it’s a hamster wheel! How we think, act & feel makes up our personality. Your personality creates your personal reality.
If we want to change our reality, we have to think different thoughts. Easier said than done, but I did get a glimpse of the healing powers of this when I attended a mindfulness retreat. Whether it’s meditating, taking a walk, listening to calming music, drinking a cup of coffee, we can slow down and disconnect a little. There is so much NOISE. Work, relationships, finances, social media, politics, just to name a few. By taking a step back from the noise and becoming aware of our thoughts, our behaviors/habits, we CAN begin to change them. Hearing that enticed me and it aligns with the reason for my Bible devotions. In the quiet reflection, I become more aware of my thoughts and can control more of my emotions.
Dr. Joe claims if you look at the emotions you live by every day that are connected to your past, you need to decide, do these emotions belong in my future? Our brain is organized to reflect everything we know, everything we’ve learned & experienced up to this moment. We get up, we do the same things every day, we live by a routine and by doing the same things that we’ve literally memorized, we end up thinking the same thoughts, performing the same actions, feeling the same emotions. Did I do anything that would have changed my brain today? Am I doing everything the same and secretly expecting my life to change?
Science indicates that by the time we are 35 years old, we are merely a set of memorized behaviors, beliefs/perceptions. The repetition of these actions over time conditions your body to do it better than your mind. The circuits in our brain become our unconscious habits. A habit is when your body knows better than the brain. Do you stop and think “How should I brush my teeth today? Should I start on the left and brush the bottom then the top or start on the right?” No, you just go and you probably follow the exact same pattern every time . 95% of most people’s behaviors, thoughts & emotional reactions are sub-conscious “programs”. Every time you learn something new, you make a new connection in your brain. When we learn ONE new thing, we can double the connections in our brain, but if you don’t review it, repeat it, ultimately remember it, you can lose it in hours or days. So if learning is making new connections in the brain, then remembering is maintaining/sustaining those connections. We CAN define ourselves into something bigger and not end up predictable. New thoughts & new information leads to new choices and new choices will lead to new behaviors to create new experiences and new emotions. Those new emotions will drive new thoughts.
If your brain is a record of the past and you don’t have a vision of what you want for your future, you are living in the past. If you wake up and you don’t have a vision bigger than you, you’ll get up living with the same thoughts, see the same people, go to the same places and do the exact same thing at the exact same time and now your external environment is controlling how you think and feel because you have a neurological network for every person you know, every place that you visit and everything that you do. We keep creating the same life. To truly change is to think greater than the external environment and the circumstances in your life. Great, I want it, how do I get there?
Dr. Joe states, “we wake up in the morning and we remember our problems”. The moment we start thinking about those problems, we’re thinking in the past and our problems have an emotion associated with them. You feel these emotions and now your body doesn’t know the difference between the experience that originally created the emotions and the emotions we’re fabricating by thought alone. I know I am not the only one that has worked myself up over a situation with thoughts alone that drive anxiety. Sometimes these thoughts are over a situation that hasn’t even happened! Worry warts, this means you. The mind is a powerful thing.
When we decide to make a choice and make a change like “I’m giving up sugar” or “I’m going to wake up early to exercise”, get ready, because it is uncomfortable and your body is like “woah, this is different” and your body starts to influence your mind. . .”you can’t do this”, “just start tomorrow”, “is it really worth it” or as Wyatt says out loud most days “but sugar is sooooo good?” If you entertain the negative thoughts, it will lead right back to the same choices & behaviors and it will feel right, but it’s not “right” it’s just familiar. Obviously, my circumstance, the thoughts & emotions I battle, seem more severe than “I can’t live without sugar”, but to your brain, it’s just another thought that’s tied to an emotion.
Stop.
Close your eyes.
Think of this future self where you are not living every day by these past thoughts & emotions. Can you see yourself making decisions that are not governed by your problems or your pain or what you’ve always done? Can you hear yourself saying “well, I’ve just always done it this way”. It’s so hard, but I’m starting to realize the difference . I’m trying to be more aware of my thoughts, actions, emotions and the connection. It’s not “don’t think about Tristan”. My memories of him are joyful. Colton talks about him almost every day and says “I remember when. . . ” and we can laugh at some of those memories, feel proud, enjoy the memory. I know the thoughts that do not bring joy and it takes practice and effort to re-direct those thoughts.
I try to make my first thoughts about God. I wake up and I begin to thank God for my family, my job, a bed to sleep in, clean water to drink, food in our fridge & pantry, a hot shower, my car, our house. I start my days in gratitude, but the one I put at the top of the list, more than any person or possession, is the cross. I am thankful for the cross, thankful for a salvation & eternity offered to me based on a belief in Jesus. I say “thank you for the 11 years we had with Tristan”. I am trying, but those familiar thoughts from my past make me want to hang onto my pain and there I am back on the hamster wheel. January will be 3 years and it feels like 30.
If I can close my eyes, disconnect, quiet my thoughts, sit in the chapel, get lost in the Word of God, pray, listen for that still small voice, I can begin to re-wire. I can begin to think more about a future where I help others in grief, a future where I bring my knowledge of God and the Bible to everyone I come in contact with. The more and more I disconnect, the more connected I feel to God and it just takes practice.
