I thought when I got through January I’d have some emotional relief, but it hasn’t really happened that way. January was awful with all of its reminders. I told myself, I’ll just see how I feel but you look at the date and you just can’t help remember. I count days, months, now years. February doesn’t have the same connotation but I’ve struggled more than I thought I would. I know my triggers. Usually I can recognize them well in advance, other times it’s after the fact when I’m reflecting on how or why emotions just got the best of me.
The school play was a trigger, during and after. I was asked to help a friend and when Wyatt was asking me, Why are you doing this?, that’s what I told him. A friend asked, I wanted to help her. A part of me also wanted to see Colton and spend time with the kids that he sees every day, get to know some of their parents. The play is one of those things that brings up precious memories of Tristan rehearsing “Scar” for the Lion King or “Hook” for Peter Pan. We ran lines together at home and sang the songs and my heart was swollen with pride for his many talents. So, of course, watching another school play is difficult. Watching parents beaming from seeing their children perform is another gut punch. My talented actor is gone. The pain never goes away.
So here we are approaching mid-February and I feel. . . weary. Wake up, get Colton off to school, go to the gym or the grocery store, work, do laundry, cook, clean, pick up Colton, get to a practice or game, maybe watch something on Netflix, it’s a hamster wheel. I am thankful for my Monday morning adoration in the chapel, my book club, Sonflower Ministry meetings, impromptu get-togethers with friends and Sunday night movie nights. I know, this is “life”, filled with mundane responsibilities, peppered with distractions and some good stuff in between. Sounds like a sandwich. Yah, uh, I’ll have the LIFE, hold the mundane, just a sprinkle of distractions and heavy on the good stuff, please.
I thrive on routine yet I crave a change that will help me sustain the next few months and years. Nothing here on earth feels like its enough. We have our moments, but the pain is always lingering there in the back of our minds. Over two years and I still cry nearly every day. I say that because I used to think a woman could judge her well-being based on how many times a month she’d cried. Now, all the women are thinking, When is the last time I cried?
I’m starting a new job this month which I’m hoping is good change for me. I’ve been in Project Management for a very long time. I’m still with the same company, 24 years now, just made a lateral move. I know I have a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge to contribute but there are some gray areas of the position I know I’ll need help with. It’s a new initiative and I gravitate to the bright, shiny aspect of helping to build a foundation that will be good for the organization and our clients. Change can be good, but it’s walking into some of the unknown that is scary. I look at my life and I say, really, you’re afraid of THIS after everything you’ve been through? Well, not afraid, just a little apprehensive stepping outside my comfort zone. Sometimes when you DO step outside your comfort zone, you realize you were making a fuss over something you were able to do flawlessly. It can be nerve-wracking but once you’ve done it, doing it again is not so bad. Like when I forced my mom to pick me up at O’Hare airport. Not something she’d CHOOSE to do, and probably never wants to do again, but stepping outside your comfort zone is healthy and necessary at times.
Talk about stepping outside my comfort zone, I am soon to release my book which is a tell-all regarding my faith journey and the first full year of navigating my grief. Well, I should clarify, soon is subjective. The publisher said my complimentary copies are 7 weeks away. AFTER that, there is some marketing and then a release date. This March will be a year since I started working with Christian Faith Publishing. I wrote for the first full year, January 2017 through January 2018 then waited until March 2018 to hand in my manuscript. It’s been a long, long process of editing & proofing and a lot of waiting in between. I never would have done the level of editing I’d done had I self-published, so I am thankful for my decision to work with a publisher. I can’t wait for it to be done.
I didn’t write with the intent to publish a book, it was pure therapy. I’ve kept a journal all my life and writing has allowed me to process feelings, say what I want to say without saying it TO someone, prepare what I will say when I have to say it, make a wish, make a plan, make a decision and pray. Some of my prayers are written pleas to God for direction and understanding. A few months ago I wrote an email to Jesus and cc’d God and the Holy Spirit. Gmail couldn’t find the address in my Contacts!? Pffff. Writing means you can get it all out without having to click Send. I’ve done it a lot at work when I wanted to send a wordy letter to a colleague. Get it down on paper, save it as a draft and wait. Chances are you will NEVER send it once you’ve cooled off. Maybe you’ll still send a correspondence, but the time to process allows you to make a change before impact, soften the approach perhaps. If only all of our verbal arguments could be like this, we’d never say half the hurtful things we tend to allow out of our mouths when we’re in an emotional rant. Why is biting our tongue so hard to do? James 3: 9 explains…With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who are made in God’s likeness.
When it comes to politics, I tend to bite my tongue to stay inside my comfort zone but there is one topic that challenges my ability to stay quiet. The Bible speaks of our final judgement, when every word, every action, every thought and motive is reviewed and I have thought A LOT about this moment over the last 2 years. As a side note, I’ve been reading Driven by Eternity by John Bevere and it’s caused me to take a hard look at my motives, what’s in my heart that truly drives every decision I make, every word out of my mouth. My motive right now, is one of a servant of God. I am clear on the 10 commandments, I understand them and try to follow them every day. Jesus told his disciples the greatest commandment is love. My child brought me more love in 11 years than I could have ever asked for. If someone wanted to drop off a baby at my doorstep, I would care for him or her with an abundance of love. States are making the decision to allow a woman to abort a baby right up until minutes before its birth. I’m doing research. I am honestly trying to understand why a woman would do this so late into the pregnancy if at all.
I know some of the reasons women consider abortion. . .too young to have a child, not enough money to raise a child, you don’t want your body to change, you don’t want your parents to know, you were raped and can’t re-live the pain, the baby has a genetic defect, the baby would be born addicted to drugs, you have a medical condition that would not allow you to carry a child to term. I’ve heard and read many of them. I still don’t understand. When I look at my beautiful boys and have now lost one of them, I don’t understand. There are so many women who can’t get pregnant who would love a child. I know there are many children in foster care. I hate to think there are more babies/children than there are willing adults capable of caring for them. I’m one of those parents who is too afraid to foster a child for fear of loving and then losing them. I can’t go through that pain again, but I still don’t understand the choice to abort a baby. 1,000,000 abortions a year. I am sick to my stomach. God has given us this precious gift and yes, it takes you outside your comfort zone, way outside. As a servant of God, I’m stepping outside my comfort zone and taking a stand on something that is more than just a political issue, this is a moral issue. I am pro-life and I pray that ALL unborn children are given the same chance at life that our parents gave us.
Heavenly Father,
Help us to be strong when we are weak. Guide our decisions, through the intercession of your Holy Spirit, to do and say things out of love, not fear. Stand by our side when we are too overwhelmed to know what to do and help us to seek your word for comfort and direction when we feel lost and are left standing outside of our comfort zone. May we always be reminded it is YOUR plan, not ours. Your plans are FOR us even when we don’t understand why. When you take us through trials and hardships that feel like we are walking through fire, protect us.