Yesterday was a day with lots of ups and downs. For the last four months, all but 1 weekend has been spent doing manual labor and I am just plain exhausted. This weekend was no different. Sigh. The deacon presiding over mass Sunday morning said “Happy Mother’s Day” but stopped and remembered how this day is not “happy” for all. He mentioned those who have lost their mothers, those like me, who have lost a child, those who have had a miscarriage, women who so desperately want to be a mother. . .
Perhaps you celebrated Mother’s Day but had mixed emotions as I did. I kept thinking, God blessed me with the gift of motherhood and here I stand, still grieving, still asking why, still questioning how I could know being a mother was my “purpose” in life and yet end up in these circumstances.
One of the readings in mass was Ephesians 4:7. This scripture speaks to God’s grace given to each of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Our gifts are not all the same and sometimes it takes years to figure out our true purpose. I knew it was God’s grace when I became a mother in 2006. Over the last several years I’ve honed in on my talents to align with God’s purpose for my life and even more so in the last 16 months. If you’re still searching, start by asking yourself, what you’re good at, or think back to a time someone told you “you’re really good at this” . . . Ephesians 4 is about the diversity of gifts. God gave some as apostles, others as prophets, others as evangelists, others as pastors and teachers to equip the holy ones for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ until we all attain the unity of faith and knowledge of the Son of God.
The gift of becoming a mother opened my eyes. I remember one of the first nights I was up with Tristan at 2 am (or God only knows what time it was). I hadn’t slept and was averaging 4 hours a night of interrupted sleep. Still I said, I understand now. I could finally understand how much God loves us when I correlated it to the love for my child. Perhaps being a mother is a stepping stone to my true purpose. I still question my true purpose and I’ve come to realize, there may not be just one purpose in life, but many, all connected.
Have you ever walked along the shore of a lake or ocean and come across all the pebbles and stones that collect there, having been pushed there by the water. Each one is a little different from the others. When the rocks are just lying there, they aren’t really doing anything, not making an impact, like a crowd just following the leader, pushed into place by the water. Pick up one of those rocks and toss it into the water and you can visibly see the ripple effect one tiny rock makes. The rock that is tossed out into the deep waters, that’s the one impacting all else around it. If you’re still debating your purpose in life, contemplate this, are you the rock or the ripple?
We are so very small, so many of us on this great big earth; it’s almost like looking at an ant hill. All of them working hard, each with a purpose. Will one step out and do anything different? I question my calling and ask what makes me so important? I’m just one of the ants. Why did this have to happen to us? I don’t want this. Were we chosen to use our circumstance to step out of line and cause a ripple effect, change the direction of the whole fleet? I think so. When something feels so right even in the deepest waters, it’s the Holy Spirit making waves.
I’ve asked WHY a hundred thousand times. The only answer I have received is “so that you can draw closer to God”. There is something bigger going on here and I can’t ignore it. I have drawn closer and am making ripples to draw others closer to God, filling the lifeboats to salvation. God calls each and every one of His believers to witness, so if you’re a believer, make a ripple, let it be known to the far reaches of your ant hill and beyond.