I know. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written. It’s not the first time I started a journal entry with “it’s been THREE months. . .”
I’ve journaled since grade school. I’d say somewhere between 5th and 7th grade it became a habit. Back then it was a “diary” but all through my teenage years into adulthood and ever since, I’ve used writing as a way of processing emotions and recording my life. I can go back to journals from my mid-twenties and read my prayers for the man I hoped God would place in my life. I can re-read the journal entries of when Wyatt and I were dating and remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. I can go back to vacations, weekends or just a Tuesday night in 2007 and re-live moments long gone. Journaling has been a true gift from God giving me a window into the past. How wonderful to go back to prayers I wrote way back when and recognize, God answered that one! Not on my timeline of course. His will, His way, His timing.
I continued to expand my journaling-habit with Shutterfly books capturing highlights from each year tucked into a neat, flat photo album with borders and embellishments to match the picture. It’s as if God gave me this trait to record and preserve the past. He knew. He knew I would NEED to step back in time and revisit everything from big milestones to mundane details.
With well over 30 years of journaling, that’s a lot of prayers documented. A close friend, prayer warrior and faith mentor recently encouraged me (and our Zoom Bible Study crew) to journal our prayers. I thought, “Check! Done that!” The joy comes from going back to see what God has done for you.
A job right out of college
A husband
Children and no struggle to get pregnant
Mom’s cancer cured
Dad’s aortic aneurysm fixed (twice)
A promotion at work
Sister’s husband healthy
A baby for my sister in law
Nieces & nephews safe
My father in law – still here after fighting cancer for 16 years
As I went through the exercise to recognize the many blessings and answered prayers I’ve received, I couldn’t help focus on the ones unanswered. In particular, one.
My sweet Tristan, taken from us just 2 weeks after his 11th birthday in Jan 2017. Healthy, perfect. I’ve never prayed for anything more in my entire life. I never had more people (friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, friends of friends, strangers, priests, nuns) praying for the same person. I thought for sure, with that kind of prayer power storming the gates of Heaven, God would bring us a miracle. Unanswered.
We still saw a miracle and as any writer would do, I wrote to the recipients of Tristan’s organs; 4 people that got a second chance at life. I journaled ALL of my pain for a year straight. It was my therapy. I published my journal as a tribute to Tristan’s life and to bring hope to others dealing with unanswered prayers. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts. His ways are not our ways. There is a purpose I cannot fully understand. He has a plan and I am more anxious than ever to meet Jesus face to face to hear about the wonderful things that came about from my unanswered prayer.
I will continue to journal, to count my blessings and find purpose in the pain. The apostles, Peter and Paul, both wrote about sharing in Christ’s suffering and I often remind myself of this when I ask “Why?” Why wasn’t THIS prayer answered? Why us? Why MY son?
Christ was empowered by his suffering and death to save us completely. If suffering brings me to a place where my faith has been made stronger, I receive it. The Holy Spirit has led me to a place of complete trust in God. I can walk out upon the water, trusting that even if God brings me into the deepest water, He’s got me.