And finally, the last day of January. It was among my first thoughts this morning. As the alarm went off, I thought “what day is it? It’s Friday, it’s the LAST day of this month”. See ya January, don’t let the door hit ‘ya . . .
My next thought was of Tristan and recent orange moments I’ve had. I thought of my dear friend, experiencing her son’s heavenly birthday today and another friend who is about to go through the same. They both have painful months ahead and mine is finally behind me. Bereaved parents club – we always remember two days, our son’s birthdays and the day they went home. Even with the month behind me, it’s not like the rest of the year suddenly becomes joy-filled. I still struggle, a lot, mostly in the quiet of my own home.
Colton is now the same height Tristan was when he left this world, hitting the middle of my nose. We measured Colton recently and he’s grown an inch in the last 6 months! Woah! Fifth grade is full of so much activity as we are in the home stretch of elementary school, about to embark upon another school play. Colton is the “Wizard” in the Wizard of Oz and the memories flood in as I run lines with him, just like I’d done with Tristan two years in a row. With the flurry of activity, we are making some changes and yesterday was Colton’s last day in the after-school program. I’d promised him he could start taking the bus home every day with drama club rehearsals wrapping up (same promise I gave to Tristan). I cried on the way to Bible study last night thinking I won’t walk into the cafeteria multiple times a week to see Tristan’s heart-shaped memorial up on the wall. As we were about to leave, we had a chance meeting with a teacher we’ve known for years through the after-school program; a woman Tristan and Colton have always adored and loved. We said a quick “goodbye” right in front of Tristan’s memorial knowing we’ll still see each other here and there, at church, on Facebook. Now that I think about it, that wasn’t just chance running into her on that last day. That was an orange moment.
Speaking of orange moments, I still have them, some profound and others small occasions, like a little whisper, just enough to make me take a deep breath in. When we were snowmobiling in WI over the holidays, we rented two sleds. The one I was riding had the number 14 stuck to the windshield. It’s easy to say it’s just a coincidence, but I can’t keep saying that. I see that number and it’s instantly a sign. I went for a walk with a friend and the sky was the most unbelievable orange that morning. I still have birds tapping the window and the last time we visited the cemetery on Tristan’s birthday, there was a hawk resting on a low branch in a tree right next to the road leading out of the cemetery. It was so close, so much so I yelled out to Wyatt “stop, look at that!” He stopped the car for me to just take it in. A close friend always talks about a hawk that circled the 5th grade ceremony the day Tristan’s classmates graduated. I’m always fascinated when I see one close up like we did at the cemetery. Normally you only catch a glimpse of them swooping by, so it was peaceful to see it just sitting on the branch for a moment and in close proximity to recognize details.
I have orange moments that aren’t necessarily mysterious coincidences, rather, times to pause and remember Tristan, like a co-volunteer giving me 3 orange roses and leaving the rest of the bouquet in front of the Blessed Mother at our church. Then there are the cards, texts, lunch/dinner, plants, flowers and small tokens from friends that filled my January. There is my wind chime outside that I barely ever hear, but when I do, its music makes me think of Tristan. I’m three years out and I still cannot believe this life is my truth. Between these moments, I constantly repeat, this can’t be true.
When I woke up this morning, I thought about our Bible study discussion and the scripture that spoke to blessings amidst pain and suffering. So many can speak of joyful feelings having overcome some awful situation. I feel like I will carry my suffering forever, never turning into a over-comer, always “stuck” in the middle of that valley shadowed by death. When I’ve asked why God allowed this, I’ve received an answer – so that you can know Him. Here’s the thing, I thought I knew God, but it had become somewhat of a surface level relationship. I was going to church, I’d done the retreats, tithing, praying, but now, I REALLY know Him.
Most would say “I’d rather not lose my child to get to know God”. Yah, no duh, me too. Do you think Jesus wanted to DIE to get people to get to know His father? He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying it could be another way, but willing to accept the sacrifice God knew He would have to make. Here’s my revelation. This wasn’t just for ME to know Him better because obviously Tristan’s death affected many, so the answer has become more clear. The answer to “Why did God allow this?” is so that MANY could get to know Him better. Maybe that means it’s just the 3 of us, but I venture to think this includes my family, close friends, neighbors, parents at school & in sports with us, co-workers, Facebook connections, acquaintances, strangers who have received a Pay it Forward, CRHP ladies & families in my parish, boys who went to WinShape Camp, Sonflower sisters, Orange Moments readers. I’ve been in the garden too, I’ve prayed for this cup to go to someone else.
God knew. He knew the ripple effect would reach many.
If you’re reading this and you want to draw closer to God, but are not sure where to start, I encourage you to start with God’s word. There are so many Bible options now, some with journal pages or author notes in the margins. I have both a Jesus Calling and a Bible (YouVersion) app on my phone in addition to a Bible I’ve had for 14 years. There are MULTIPLE Bible-reading plans addressing a specific need (i.e. grief, despair, worry, etc) or question you may have. Some are very brief devotionals and others are longer, but I guarantee there is a plan (if not many) that will suit you. If reading or having your phone read TO you is not your thing, there are MULTIPLE Bible-based movies recapping the Gospels, Jesus’ passion or the apostle Paul’s missions.
Netflix > Search > Jesus
And don’t forget the Google machine’s power to connect us with an endless number of sermons. I’ve listened to THOUSANDS. They are all discussing the same book, but we have so many options available to find a speaker who suits you best. . . Man or woman, old or young, monotone delivery or RAISE THE ROOF kinda worship. It’s all out there. Then there is music. Music has been an enormous part of my relationship with God, listening to artists turn scripture into lyrics. Powerful stuff there. If you’re in Atlanta, tune to 104.7 The Fish. It’s always on in my car. Lastly, volunteering and giving back has done done wonderful things to deepen my relationship with God. We are an extension of God’s love for all of His children and when you show that love to others, their appreciation and gratefulness fills your cup. It’s literally contagious.
Although I’m relieved to see January in my rear view mirror, I’ll fill my cup back up and bring focus to February so I can continue to share my faith, finding purpose in my pain. I thank God for morning clarity and look forward to the next eye-opening experience my Bible has in store for me.