Posts

Posted on

Who’s in Charge?

The topic of authority has been on my mind for some time.

In the book I’m reading, Killing Kryptonite, John Bevere discusses the positive results the Israelites were granted when they obeyed the authority of God and worked together as a united front. Check it out in Joshua 6. They had taken Jericho because they put 100% faith in God, working together, even though I’m sure some of them thought walk around the city for six days, what? And now you want us to walk around it seven times? But they did it and the walls collapsed and they took the city! They trusted in the authority of God.

However, when they were not unified (i.e. one of them steals all the gold, silver, bronze in the city of Ai and keeps it for himself) bad things happened to them. Here Achan had fought and won the battle of Jericho leaving everything behind after God had commanded them to take nothing but then he just cannot resist his greed and disobeys.  The rest of them were likely thinking thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, dude! That’s all it took, an entire nations suffers.

Authority comes in many different roles and personalities. I was raised Catholic, so for me, there has always been authority in God’s commandments and the life of Jesus. As children we are taught our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches are individuals we are expected to respect and obey.  Police officers have a level of authority monitoring our actions to ensure laws are upheld. If you have a job, you likely have a boss you have to listen to unless you have the pleasure of being self-employed. Even then, your investors may have some level of authority in how you’re spending their money. Within our government and religion, we have authority.

At times, our earthly authority figures have led us down the wrong path, mis-guided or mis-directed us. As a parent, I know I have made and continue to make mistakes. I’ve also had bosses admit to failed decisions they thought were going to turn into successes. Political figures, yep, lots of mistakes there.

Authority in the form of government creates a great divide in our nation;  republican, democrat, something in between.  Remember how it felt the days following September 11th though? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more united as an American. It didn’t matter what your political opinion was, we were one body; such camaraderie in the midst of a disaster.

Religious authority has caused an even greater divide with the latest sexual abuse scandal within the Catholic Church. The thought that leaders within the church hierarchy KNEW of matters and remained silent is just unbelievable. I’ve always looked at the church as a family, one body, and when trials and hardships hit, as a family, you unite to protect your family. I have seen first hand how families can play down hardships, maybe a teenage pregnancy or a drug/alcohol addiction, domestic abuse, financial woes, divorce or relationship failures. No one likes their dirty laundry aired for all to see.

The men that committed these crimes and the ones that covered it up are guilty. I pray they have remorse and repent for their sins for the sake of their salvation. I pray for the victims who respected and obeyed authority figures to only be taken advantage of and hurt by it. Priests are human and are not perfect, they are sinners just like I am, but under the authority of God’s commandments and laws built to protect, these crimes should never have happened.  So much evil in this world causing pain and sorrow. It does not surprise me to see the enemy bringing evil to infiltrate the Catholic Church. If the enemy was going to work his plan of temptation, corruption and annihilation of Christians, of course he would use those of faith in high ranking positions.

People have often asked me how our situation could have happened to us? You go to church every Sunday, Laura, you’re closer to God than anyone else I know, how could God have let this happen? Bad things happen under God’s authority. I will never have an answer to the question I ask every day, multiple times a day . . . “WHY!??!?!?!?!?”

But then I think, “Why wouldn’t God use us?” I would love to say that grief and sorrow only affects people who are mean and evil but I believe that the strong in faith can be tested to bring faith and God’s commandments to others. There is evil in this world and we sin and sin and sin until it’s mainstream and then it’s accepted and then it’s encouraged and then it’s applauded!? I pray for strength almost every day. Strength to trust God 100% even though I don’t have the answers, even though everything about what he’s asked me to endure seems wrong, even though I see evil, mean-spirited people who have things falling into place and everything going their way and I go, why aren’t THEY the ones suffering like I am?

God has found a reason to allow this pain in my life. I trust His authority. I respect and obey. He’s in charge of my life and the one thereafter. If you’ve read all the way to the end and you’re still hanging with me, stop and pray right now, would you please?

Pray for God’s authority to reign over ALL, unified as one body, filling us with trust in His ways, His timing. Pray for strength to fight temptation & sinful behavior, fight the evil that we see unfolding all around us. Lord, protect us. Pray for those who facilitate drug and sex trafficking, for those who abuse and molest others, pray for bullies, that they may all come to know what they do is wrong, there WILL be judgement. Pray they change and protect one another rather than take advantage. Pray God shows mercy on His believers and comes back soon.

 

 

 

Posted on

Shackles of a Bad Attitude

I read a prayer today from a God Tube email subscription delivered to my inbox daily. The prayer was for bad attitudes. It referred to James 1:2. This is where James tells Christians all the “stuff” in their life shouldn’t steal their joy. He asks them to “consider it all joy”. Let me tell you, that is the hardest thing to do. Consider this suffering joyful? No. It’s not.

The suffering isn’t joyful. This life feels like a prison sentence. Pain I will never escape. I feel like I could have handled anything but this. I could have handled a divorce, the loss of my job, cancer,  a house fire, the death of my spouse even (no offense, Wyatt). For the record, he already knows this. We’ve both said it. Losing each other or losing a child?

The pain brings perception. I think this is what James was getting at. Find a way to seek out the joy.

When I’ve stepped into my time machine in my mind and I think, what if this never happened, I go back to a time when I was happy, but I also know I was a little, sometimes a lot, complacent with my faith. I think about the friendships I’ve developed in the last 19-1/2 months, how my faith has grown, my knowledge of scripture has increased and I am doing my best to live a life pleasing to God. There are days I know God looks at me and goes “mmmm, I don’t know, Laura, C+ today, let’s try better tomorrow”

Pain brings on my bad attitude. I’ve been snapping, like a wounded animal that growls at their owner. I’m angry. I’ve literally prayed for the Holy Spirit to shut my mouth, don’t let me say anything critical or insensitive. I’m so easily irritated. The Bible uses the word “weary” when you are just broken down. Psalm 6:3-8 says it perfectly, “Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak, heal me, Lord. How long? In your mercy, rescue me, all night long tears drench my bed, my eyes are dimmed with sorrow” (paraphrased for emphasis)

My Bible study group is currently reading Killing Kryptonite by John Bevere. Thank you, God, for these women, my Sonflower Sisters. Fellowship with these women is true medicine for my soul and it douses the bad attitude the minute I’m with them. The first 3 chapters of the book have already been enlightening. I realized when I finished the first chapter I would be sharing this on my blog and plan to continue sharing my insights from the book here, so hang with me.

One of the first discussion questions in the book is “If you could live a life like Jesus, what habits would you change?” Boy, was that timely. Right as I’m taking note of MY bad attitude, I’m reading, what can you change to be closer to God?  In my examination of conscience, I realize I have a long way to go starting with my bad attitude.

Here is what I wrote at the end of Chapter 1 (for the record I write and highlight and underline in books like I do my Bible):

Live like Jesus

  • child-like faith / 100% trust no matter what
  • never gossip or swear or use words that hurt feelings
  • never eat or drink too much
  • daily prayer time
  • compassion for others, no matter their background/circumstances
  • unconditional love
  • ability to heal
  • have peace
  • be patient, slow to anger, respond with love
  • humble
  • honest, never lie
  • resist temptation

Lofty list, huh? How amazing was Jesus though? I mean, C’MON, when you read that list, aren’t you like, this man was just beautiful. I just want to stand up and give Jesus a hug and say “Thank you so much for your example”.

So what does that have to do with kryptonite you may ask? As you know, kryptonite was Superman’s weakness. Kryptonite is anything that brings out our weaknesses and it can be contagious to others! John’s book says “Ask God to speak to you about your weakness and the reason for your weakness and then ask Him to free you from each one”.

I wrote in my book:

Need to control – my parents divorce, losing Tristan.  If I can control the outcome of situations and plan for every possible scenario I’ll never be left again, I’ll never be disappointed, I’ll never be hurt again.

People pleaser – with a fear of someone leaving comes a fear of rejection. I just want to do anything and everything so you’ll like me. You’ll like the work I’ve done, you’ll appreciate the snacks or food I prepared, you’ll enjoy the time with me because I’ve made sure to accommodate your needs. You’ll validate me.

Truth is, God allows us to be hurt sometimes. He already knows how we will grow from it, how we can use it to help others in similar situations when we lean into His plan. And I don’t need anyone to like me because God already loves me and that trumps everybody else! I’m worthy because HE says I am. So, I’m chucking the bad attitude out the window.

Lord, free me from the shackles of a bad attitude. Work in my heart and mind to transform my thinking from negative to positive — despite the struggles I face. Fill me with a joy that can only come from You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

Posted on

Inside-Out

How is it August?

The weeks and months pass quickly. Days however, do not. 559 days to be exact. I contemplate how each month’s passing brings me one step closer to going home to God, my reunion with Tristan, the end of our sorrow and suffering. I long for it. I’m not yet to the point in my grieving process where I can let go and live fully. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t help waking up in the morning, it just happens. If I had control, I wouldn’t. Wake up that is. My life is not in my control. I live for God’s purpose and I live to care for Wyatt and Colton.

I have moments where I can laugh at something funny.  I can jam out to a great song but it’s like a coffee break at work. Eventually you head back to your desk to the mundane tasks. Good days, bad days, dark days. Despite the bad and the dark days, I have gratitude. I am so grateful for Wyatt, my church, my adoration hour on Mondays, online sermons and coffee breaks.

Although our summer weather is nowhere near done, summer vacation is coming to an end. I work full time, so there’s really no “vacation” for me, but I have enjoyed sleeping in a little, not making a lunch every day and having more flexibility with our evenings. What’s nuts is I’m craving the routine I so desperately needed a break from!? Oh yah, she’s crazy. Isn’t that odd how we get to a point where we’re like “I gotta get outta here!” so you book a vacation and jet-set (or drive) somewhere and yet there is this tiny sigh of relief when you return home to your own bed, back to the routine. Maybe that’s just me. I AM a project manager and thrive on structure; routine feels good.

It’s like the conversations I have with my hairdresser, “let’s go lighter this time”, next time it’s, “I’d like to tone down the highlights” followed by, “I’m growing out my layers” and then, “let’s add some volume with layers”. What the? Guys reading this are probably like “What IS she talking about?”.

Ladies, you get it.

It’s being content, then needing change, content, need for change. It’s in those moments I try to recognize I don’t really need change, I need quiet. I need to hear God. I’m convinced when God stirs me up like this, there is no cut or color that’s going to bring me back to content; he’s asking me to work on the inside, not the outside.

When the outside doesn’t feel right, I let it affect the inside. Part of my routine that has slacked is my exercise & massage therapy. I physically feel a difference in my body because I haven’t been exercising as regularly as I should and that impacts my sleep and lack of sleep affects your mood and eating habits and it’s just a nasty hamster wheel to be on.  It’s like walking around with my shirt on inside-out all day.  I know as Colton goes back to school on Monday and we get back into our routine, I’ll feel better on the inside. Just a matter of choices. How many times have I said “Make good choices”. A daily mantra in our house. Those choices include getting to the gym and putting down the bowl of ice cream!

Our schedule is only about to get busier with homework and Cub Scouts and sports but I will make time for what I need. I know what’s good for me. God’s word shows me what is good for me. I will start there.  1 COR 3:16-17, 1 COR 10:31

 

Posted on

It’s Only Temporary

How many times have you had something going on in your life and in an effort to cope, you told yourself “it’s only temporary”.  I used to say it to my Project Managers when they had a doozie of a project or client that would make their work-day unbearable. Time and time again, I’d remind them “it’s only temporary” because the great thing about a project is it has a defined beginning and end. At some point, the project ends and we get to start a new one. Every project manager knows the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a project and, even better, the relief that’s felt when you get to close the door and open a new one.

We often hear people say “this too shall pass” or maybe like Scarlett O’Hara, you just figure you’ll think about that tomorrow. When trials hit or pain strikes, we as impatient humans want it to be over as quickly as possible.  We tell ourselves and our loved ones “it’s only temporary” to pacify us mentally because we can all relate when we hear. . . .

I cannot deal with this job, this pain, this illness, this person, this financial crisis (fill in the blank), this situation forever.

This has to end.

So many struggles. So many different ways of coping. The evil one loves to see us struggle; when he’s got us down, when you’re in the darkness, it can be hard to find the light. Reminder: it’s only temporary. When we face problems, we want to make it stop. How easy it is to run away, avoid, deflect, blame, take a pill, anything to make it go away.

This week my trust in God waivered. I found myself praying for proof, asking for validation, wanting something that would help me cope,  help me acknowledge for the 1000th time, this life is only temporary. My suffering will one day end. I cried a lot this week. Over the 4th of July, I experienced many of my “triggers” that prompt an emotional reaction and when I suppress those emotions, they build up and come pouring out eventually. I was questioning why I pray at all when MY prayers aren’t answered. Side note: praying isn’t always about getting an answer; it’s about the relationship that develops from having a conversation with God.

A glass of wine doesn’t cut it. This isn’t about relaxing. My problem is forever (in this life) yet I still tell myself, it’s only temporary and my angels here on earth surrounded me with prayer this week and built up my trust and my hope in God again. They reminded me of the reward.

Non-believers don’t get it. Their hope lies in earthly possessions, earthly accomplishments. They are fulfilling the flesh for the life that ends when their body dies not grasping the true reward.  I’m living my life for the next one. This world is only temporary.  Heaven is a real place. I pray that those who only see this life can have their eyes opened by my witness and that of others to show them, there is so much more and God’s grace is enough if you let Him in.

The waiting is hard; really, really hard. I compared myself to a child who cries and cries and the parent says “now stop that crying for 30 minutes and I’ll give you a lollipop”. The kid has no concept of time, right, so 3 minutes go by, “Is it time for my lollipop now?”

How ’bout now?

Now?

I know if God were to show up and explain to me face to face why he has allowed my suffering it would be like me trying to explain quantum physics to a 5 year old and for the record, I know nothing about quantum physics, so He just says “wait, trust me, hang on, don’t despair. . . .it’s only temporary”.

Posted on

Summer Update

Summer is in full swing and I’ve taken the time to slow down on the weekends and relax. We’ve spent a lot of time out on the water and Colton’s wake-boarding skills have improved. Wyatt catches air on the wake-board too! Despite the moments we relax and enjoy, not one day goes by without stopping, multiple times, and asking “how is this my life?” Still living in utter disbelief. Just last night we watched a beautiful sunset on the water and cried.

Colton has already been to two Christian sleep away camps. I forced Wyatt to take me out to eat every night the first week Colton was gone. He attended WinShape Camp and we were so thrilled to run into a few of the folks we worked with last year to set up the memorial fund through Chick Fil A and the WinShape foundation. Through Tristan’s memorial fund we sent 8 boys to camp last year and 9 this year! Colton came home singing new songs, telling stories of sock wars and Nerf Gun attacks and discussing Psalm 23!

We’ve had a full house all but 1 weekend which has kept us distracted. We really do love hosting guests. In the midst of my summer “relaxing” the laundry and grocery shopping has increased but I’m a new fan of Instacart which saves HOURS. Not complaining about the laundry either. If I didn’t have an abundance of sheets & towels to wash, I’d be lonely!

I’ve so enjoyed sleeping in and that means about 6:30, maybe 7 a.m. for me, but waking up naturally, without an alarm, is a great way to start the day. I’ve been up since 4 am this morning though. What is THAT all about? Had a weird dream and wasn’t able to fall back asleep. I had a dream about Tristan the night before. I dream of him often, not often enough though. In most of the dreams I’m so overjoyed to be with him, to hug him and love on him. I know what’s happened, I’m lucid in the dream but it’s like God has answered our prayers and taken us back in time, leaving us with this new perspective.

I completed round two of the editing process for my book. No release date yet, but coming SOON! Hoping to have it out before the end of the year. Re-reading the whole book to go through edits is such an emotional roller coaster. I’m thankful to have a few weeks in between each one. Nothing but good things to say about working with Christian Faith Publishing; they’ve been awesome. Once all the changes are in, we move into typesetting, cover design then marketing.

This morning we’re going to attend church service on the water at an outdoor chapel which I’m looking forward to. Church in any form is good medicine, whether it’s our traditional Catholic mass, a retreat or an online sermon. God’s word is a requirement for my life and I feel like I’ve been a sponge over the last 17 months, soaking up every bit of what God has had to say through the prophets, Jesus and His disciples. I tell Colton, we eat food and drink water to nourish our bodies. Scripture is nourishment for the soul.

Sin is all around us and I’ve sharpened my ability to discern when the evil one is trying to get his way with me by placing negative thoughts in my head, hurtful words in my mouth or tempting me to be careless with my actions. It’s not just a Sunday thing. It can’t be. It’s not enough for me. I choose to read or listen to God’s word daily for the nourishment my soul craves. It is my anchor. (Hebrews 6:19) As we head out to enjoy our Sunday morning service on the water, I will be anchoring my thoughts to God’s will for my life. His will, His way, His timing.

Posted on

Before / After

The month of May is behind us and I find my thoughts replaying many milestones from this month.

In November, I’d attended a retreat hosted by Sonflower Ministries with over 25 years experience catering to women of ALL walks of life. In every case, these women are searching; searching for an answer, for some direction, a glimpse of hope, a relationship with God, a miracle, you name it. I would LOVE for anyone interested to contact me to learn more about the retreat.

What a very special weekend it was for me to be on the other side serving. The theme was even “Anchor of HOPE”. If that isn’t a sign. I couldn’t dream of NOT spending my time giving back to the wonderful men and women that serve this great cause and I attended a 6-month Bible study (my choice) with the founder and monthly meetings (required) to prepare myself to host the retreat with the team May 4-6. It was a powerful weekend for me, serving women who had experienced grief, like me, or a loss of another kind. Some never had a loss like mine, but had experienced abuse, neglect, divorce, addiction. Whether it was far behind them in a past they cannot forget or part of their present day, suffering is suffering no matter what form it comes in. Our founder recognizes, there are women looking for answers. I know I was! At these spiritual retreats, many women come searching for an answer. The only answer to grief, loss, sorrow, loneliness or feelings of hopelessness is Jesus Christ!

After such a wonderful weekend, I was set to spend a few days in Chicago for work and reconnect with employees. Some I hadn’t seen in years, others in months. Well, the morning I was set to fly out, I was on the phone and distracted getting out of my car and I slammed my thumb in the car door. You want to talk about pain. I was on a conference call and literally did a silent scream and fumbled to go on mute. I bawled my eyes out. I mean, I wailed.

For 16-1/2 months I’ve thanked God that my pain is not physical. I recognize we are not suffering from physical pain even though my pain and stress did manifest itself. Well, let me tell you, slamming your thumb in the car door is extremely painful. The physical pain triggered emotions that just poured out. All the while I’m still on mute. I was able to return to the call, advised the two ladies on the other line what happened and rescheduled. The flight that afternoon was brutal. I was crawling out of my skin with pain but was able to get a cup of ice. When my thumb wasn’t on ice, I couldn’t bear it. The swelling was intense, the blood had nowhere to go. My thumbnail is black. Isn’t that lovely? 

Wyatt was traveling throughout April and May and for a month, we only saw each other 4 days. When he’s gone, I have trouble sleeping. Netflix gets a lot of use at night. When you can’t sleep, the wheels start churning. I constantly ask, “How is this my life?” For anyone that’s been through a monumental situation, there is this line drawn. If you’ve been there, you know every thought you have is either before that moment in time or after.

When I got married, I might have said “before, when I was single”.  Once we had children, it was “before kids” when we’d talk about how we used to be able to just stop and eat at that new restaurant or pack up our things and head out for a weekend adventure. For some the “before” line in the sand is a life you used to have and everything from that moment on is different . . . before the accident, before I lost my job, before the surgery, before cancer struck, before my life was turned upside down and I was left feeling empty.

I’ve reconciled that some people just get their blessings first. Most people live their whole lives striving to be happy thinking “once I reach this next level, then I’ll really be happy”. Once I get that promotion, once I get married, once I lose weight, once I have a baby, once we’re in the new house, once I get through this, that or the other.  My “before” was perfect and my “after” is not. Instead of trying to build up to happy, we had it from the moment we met. We got our blessings first. There was nothing missing.

We are doing our best, relying on our faith to carry us through. People say “I don’t know how you do it”. My faith is how. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has a purpose for what He allows, for the path He has us on. That is what keeps me going. Knowing my eternity is how I’m still “doing it”.  I live with anticipation for when my true AFTER begins. Maybe we weren’t meant to be truly happy in this life so that we could realize the longing we have is not for things or a better job or a bigger house but for Christ. Before, I wasn’t thinking that way. Now that I am, I think God is like “now we’re getting somewhere”. Ultimately, whether you’re sitting in a before situation, stuck in the middle or in the aftermath, you’re right where God wants you to be.

Posted on

Rock or Ripple

Yesterday was a day with lots of ups and downs. For the last four months, all but 1 weekend has been spent doing manual labor and I am just plain exhausted. This weekend was no different. Sigh.  The deacon presiding over mass Sunday morning said “Happy Mother’s Day” but stopped and remembered how this day is not “happy” for all.  He mentioned those who have lost their mothers, those like me, who have lost a child, those who have had a miscarriage, women who so desperately want to be a mother. . .

Perhaps you celebrated Mother’s Day but had mixed emotions as I did. I kept thinking, God blessed me with the gift of motherhood and here I stand, still grieving, still asking why, still questioning how I could know being a mother was my “purpose” in life and yet end up in these circumstances.

One of the readings in mass was Ephesians 4:7. This scripture speaks to God’s grace given to each of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift. Our gifts are not all the same and sometimes it takes years to figure out our true purpose. I knew it was God’s grace when I became a mother in 2006. Over the last several years I’ve honed in on my talents to align with God’s purpose for my life and even more so in the last 16 months. If you’re still searching, start by asking yourself, what you’re good at, or think back to a time someone told you “you’re really good at this” . . . Ephesians 4 is about the diversity of gifts. God gave some as apostles, others as prophets, others as evangelists, others as pastors and teachers to equip the holy ones for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ until we all attain the unity of faith and knowledge of the Son of God.

The gift of becoming a mother opened my eyes. I remember one of the first nights I was up with Tristan at 2 am (or God only knows what time it was). I hadn’t slept and was averaging 4 hours a night of interrupted sleep. Still I said, I understand now. I could finally understand how much God loves us when I correlated it to the love for my child.  Perhaps being a mother is a stepping stone to my true purpose. I still question my true purpose and I’ve come to realize, there may not be just one purpose in life, but many, all connected.

Have you ever walked along the shore of a lake or ocean and come across all the pebbles and stones that collect there, having been pushed there by the water.  Each one is a little different from the others. When the rocks are just lying there, they aren’t really doing anything, not making an impact, like a crowd just following the leader, pushed into place by the water.  Pick up one of those rocks and toss it into the water and you can visibly see the ripple effect one tiny rock makes.  The rock that is tossed out into the deep waters, that’s the one impacting all else around it.  If you’re still debating your purpose in life, contemplate this, are you the rock or the ripple?

We are so very small, so many of us on this great big earth; it’s almost like looking at an ant hill. All of them working hard, each with a purpose. Will one step out and do anything different? I question my calling and ask what makes me so important?  I’m just one of the ants. Why did this have to happen to us? I don’t want this. Were we chosen to use our circumstance to step out of line and cause a ripple effect, change the direction of the whole fleet? I think so. When something feels so right even in the deepest waters, it’s the Holy Spirit making waves.

I’ve asked WHY a hundred thousand times. The only answer I have received is “so that you can draw closer to God”.  There is something bigger going on here and I can’t ignore it.  I have drawn closer and am making ripples to draw others closer to God, filling the lifeboats to salvation.  God calls each and every one of His believers to witness, so if you’re a believer, make a ripple, let it be known to the far reaches of your ant hill and beyond.

Posted on

A Clear Mind

Many topics swirl around in my head on a daily basis while I pray for God’s direction on what to post next.  For me, this has become more than a status update; it’s become more than bereaved-parents-dealing-with-grief-through-faith. This is where I can take a thought and bring it to life having been appointed by God to share it with you, bereaved or not.  I use the word “appointed” because I feel called and not everyone is called to witness and share whether face to face or through writing, but I feel God has given me both of those gifts for a distinct purpose.  My friends and family know this is not something that just came about after Tristan died, but I will say certain circumstances can light a fire.  God has given each of us talents to be used to bring Him glory.  For me, it’s always been there, I just wasn’t using it all the time.

It’s kind of like my treadmill.  It’s right there in my office upstairs and even on days when I’m super busy and can’t seem to carve out time in the morning to workout, it’s still there at 5 pm, at 7 pm at 9 pm. I choose not to exercise on a crazy busy day even though I have the means to.  I’ve always had the means to witness and write like this, and I used it a little, but now I’m essentially “running” on the treadmill.

Exercise has actually been the one thing that has brought me mental clarity when I needed it most. When I have worse days, I know it will do me good. “Worse” days are the ones where I really struggle. I feel like I have bad days and worse days.  Exercise clears my mind, helps me focus and re-prioritize my thoughts and get through. Exercise releases endorphins which are hormones to make you feel better; free all-natural medicine! Writing and witnessing to others is medicine for my suffering.

Everyone has “stuff” going on in their lives that tips the happiness meter in the wrong direction at times. Some may be overwhelmed with work, a health issue, a packed schedule, financial concerns or their kids or spouse are driving them nuts and I think, I have all the same issues, I get it, then envy creeps in and I want to blow an air horn to get everyone’s attention to stay “STOP”! When you lose someone you love, all else fades away and you could care less about the things that made you so crazy before. My schedule lightened up when I suddenly didn’t have Tristan’s practice or games to attend; there is less laundry to do, one less plate to wash each night, one less mouth to feed.

Let my life be the perspective you need to take a minute to clear your mind of the things you think are making your life crazy. Clear your mind of the clutter that piles up in your head.

Lately work has got me frazzled.  It’s just this crazy account and like all the projects I work on, they eventually come to an end and I get to start fresh on something new.  One of the perks of being in Project Management! Wyatt’s in the same boat with an intense project for his entire organization that is launching soon.  Add to that our DIY project:  the lake house. What started off as a healthy distraction has had us working every weekend for the last 3 months.  HGTV, you fooled me into thinking this stuff was easy!?

Without focus and a clear mind, it’s easy to stray from the path God has intended for us. There are millions of distractions and the devil just loves to see when we get too busy to attend to what’s important or are too frustrated to have a civil conversation, too upset to think straight. We’re completely distracted when we’re supposed to be focusing on something else. Happens to me ALL the time.  I learned from someone this summer to count the breaths I breathe in and then double that count when I breathe out, then try to get to a larger number on the next breath.  It works; it clears your head even if it’s just for a short while.

So. . . . . I exercise, I breathe, I read God’s word, I write, I pray, I spend time with friends and family, I work, I allow for downtime like a Netflix movie, a book or painting (walls, not canvas). I can lose track of time organizing a drawer or a closet or cleaning.  Still, I can’t clear my mind of the loss we’ve suffered. I can’t shake the gaping hole in my life. For every emotion swirling in my head, I find God’s message to me in scripture “But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you”.

May your orange moment today be a moment of clarity.

Posted on

One Way

Have you ever made the mistake of going down a one-way street? I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and when I moved to the city, I became accustomed to one-way streets. Before you’d even look for the sign, you just knew based on how the cars were parked.  Chicago, such fond memories of driving round and round for 30 minutes to find street parking.

If you’ve ever made the mistake of going down a one-way street or landing in the X  on one of those reversible lanes, panic can come over you . Ohmigosh, am I going the?  I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY!!  You either frantically look for the nearest side street  or driveway so you can get yourself right or (if you’re out of harm’s way) you give passersby  the ‘ol wave, “I know, sorry”, and they give you the you’re-doing-it-wrong look and you still get to where you’re going.  Whether we do it right the first time or panic when we make mistakes, the right path is always there.

I look at my life the same way and man, have I made a lot of wrong turns. What keeps us from making wrong turns in our lives? If you listen for that one voice it’s telling you.  Sometimes it’s a still small voice, maybe it’s booming voice telling you “No, not this way”. A few other voices might say the same. Your parents, your teachers, your mentors, coaches, whoever had an influence in how you were raised may ring through your head, not this way. You might even tell yourself you know right from wrong but the influence of others can bring you down the wrong path if you’re not mindful of it. I’m so thankful that despite all my wrong turns, God is there lighting the right path.

The path we tend to choose is the easy way (duh!) and often God says, no, we’re going to take the challenging road. Why? Why does everything have to be hard? How can THIS be the right way, Lord?  It’s uphill, there are speed bumps that would take out a tire and I can’t even see the road ahead it’s so dark.  And yet still, it’s the ONLY way.  Every athlete that made it to the Olympics took the hard way. Every business owner that’s leveraged their last penny took the hard way. Every student that’s been accepted into college worked hard.  Life is hard. We work hard, study hard, because we know the kinds of results we can achieve with patience and perseverance.

God works with us the same way and He is ever so patient.  You may not be going for a gold medal, a million units sold or a Harvard degree, but God has a reward for us and He patiently waits for us to receive it. It’s not just about saying “I’ll follow wherever the Lord leads me”.  Yes, saying it can give you the power to surrender to Him, but it’s more than that.  It’s about BELIEVING that where He leads us, despite how hard it is, there is a reward.  If you’re familiar with the Bible, you know it’s divided into 2 sections, the Old and the New Testament. When God sent Jesus, he made a new covenant with us.  Page Break, start a new chapter, New Testament. Now this is the way.

When we think about our path to Heaven, it can be a winding road, lots of speed bumps, steep valleys and uphill climbs, but there can be a long stretch where you can see clearly. Regardless of how we get there, getting there is what’s important. There is only ONE way.  New Testament, new covenant, God sent His son to show the world, eternity is ours. You don’t have to earn it. Jesus took the hit. He said we are worth saving. He died to take on our sin and all the sins we haven’t even committed yet and we get to go to Heaven because we believe He IS the Messiah. That’s it.

But what about being a good person? “Good person”, what does that even mean? Good meaning they don’t litter or steal? Good meaning they let you go in front of them in the checkout if you only have 1 item. Some people think good is not murdering someone but they cheat on their spouse, lie to their family. I ponder this question a lot. I don’t want to see “good” people miss out on Heaven!

I believe the Bible. I believe the historical account of Jesus’ life, the words He spoke, and the miracles He performed to prove to people that He was not just a man, not just a prophet. His disciples carried His message to their graves. I could see if crowds of people came out to see Jesus and He didn’t cure the blind and the sick or turn water into wine or feed 5,000 people with a loaf of bread and 2 fish. THAT would get around. Dude – I checked him out and He’s a great speaker, but . . .  That’s not the case. News of Jesus’ miracles spread like wildfire and then the biggest miracle of them all, He rose from the dead.

Holy Week is upon us and tonight represents Jesus’ last supper with His disciples. He lived and traveled with them for 3 years. He proved to them He was the son of God and then took His place in Heaven.  He taught them there is only ONE way to Heaven.  He was given the type of death sentence reserved for murderers, rapists and thieves. Can you even imagine? Pilate even said “he’s done nothing wrong” and the high priests said “crucify him!” They chose to return a convicted murderer back onto their streets to remove Jesus to please Ceasar, please others, and keep their lofty positions. Not good people.

There are many good things that we can do to make this life not so hard on each other, and those acts are pleasing to God, but when it comes to the life that follows after this one; the more colorful, vibrant life without sorrow, tears or death (or stealing or littering), there’s only one way to get there. Easter is upon us and as Christians, we celebrate our Messiah. Despite the sorrow of Jesus’ death, we know the reward.  I love Jesus and I picture the day I will meet Him with great anticipation.

My life feels much like the disciples’ Saturday. They’ve just lost Jesus on Friday but they don’t yet see what’s coming on Sunday. Saturday is awful, it’s sad and despair sets in. They can’t think straight. They don’t understand. They don’t remember what Jesus said. They haven’t yet connected all the dots. Then Sunday comes. I’m still living out that kind of a Saturday every day, but I already know what they didn’t know. He is Risen.

Posted on

One Voice

Yesterday was an orange moment kind of day.

I pause and take a deep breath and say thank you, God, for that kind of a day; one where I am not re-playing the awful circumstances that surround us despite how it never really leaves my peripheral vision.  My week didn’t start out this way. I had a horrible Monday & Tuesday emotionally. Stupid time change, or is it the weather or perhaps hormones or maybe it’s just my life.  I had my Wednesday afternoon visit from my “angel” who comes and listens to me dump it all out on my kitchen table; my prayer warrior saves the day again. Thank God by Thursday I felt better. I had a busy day at work and am always grateful for the healthy distraction work provides.

After holding out for nearly six weeks following 3 conversations with a literary agent about the book I’ve been writing all year, I did it, I sent it in last week and instead of waiting on pins and needles for a response I just relinquished control (not always easy for me) and said this is entirely in your hands, God.  I knew I would hear something this week. Each time I’d begin to role play what the response might be, I would stop myself. It’s your will, Lord, not mine, whatever you think is best.

She called yesterday.  They want to publish it!!! I was kind of in shock. As she began giving me all this positive feedback, I was waiting for the “but”. . .we love it, BUT it’s not the right fit. . . It’s great BUT are you sure your 3rd grader didn’t write it? Stop it, Laura. Why do we do that?  Why do we let the voices in? I’m not crazy, you do it too,  the negative self-talk. Word to the wise, it doesn’t come from God. In my Bible Study we talked about weeding out the voices that don’t matter (our own, the devil’s, judgement from others) and focusing on the one voice that DOES matter, God’s.   I heard God’s daily reminder, I told you to trust me, Laura.

After our call, I hung up and sort of paced the room. I started to cry even though I was happy she said YES. It wasn’t a sad cry, it was a release, a they-like-me, they-really-like-me kind of cry.  Her call was validation that someone outside the circle of my family & friends agrees that my story is worth sharing. I am seeing how easily things are falling into place with this blog and now the book and it’s obvious when God is in control, when we listen to HIS voice, the path becomes clear.

I opened my Bible this morning and checked how I am tracking against my two-year-reading-plan I started in February 2017. I’ve made little notes along the way, like when I was 3 months out, 6 months out, the one-year anniversary of losing Tristan. I noted trips we took, when my stepmom died, retreats I’ve attended. I went to this week “Year 2, Week 3” in my plan to note “Book” as a reminder of yesterday’s call and the scripture was Isaiah 40.  I quickly flipped to it. The chapter is titled The promise of salvation.  From the beginning of this experience, Wyatt & I said over and over again, we felt called to witness to others, to bring a message of HOPE to anyone that would listen. We talked about “filling the lifeboats” to let people know that our salvation, our eternity in Heaven is real. This was the catalyst for writing my book and here in black and white, on the day I got the call, God’s voice coming through the prophet Isaiah says “give comfort to my people”. Isaiah 40 ends with “they that hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will soar with eagles’ wings. They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint”. No coincidences, orange moment.