The month of May is behind us and I find my thoughts replaying many milestones from this month.
In November, I’d attended a retreat hosted by Sonflower Ministries with over 25 years experience catering to women of ALL walks of life. In every case, these women are searching; searching for an answer, for some direction, a glimpse of hope, a relationship with God, a miracle, you name it. I would LOVE for anyone interested to contact me to learn more about the retreat.
What a very special weekend it was for me to be on the other side serving. The theme was even “Anchor of HOPE”. If that isn’t a sign. I couldn’t dream of NOT spending my time giving back to the wonderful men and women that serve this great cause and I attended a 6-month Bible study (my choice) with the founder and monthly meetings (required) to prepare myself to host the retreat with the team May 4-6. It was a powerful weekend for me, serving women who had experienced grief, like me, or a loss of another kind. Some never had a loss like mine, but had experienced abuse, neglect, divorce, addiction. Whether it was far behind them in a past they cannot forget or part of their present day, suffering is suffering no matter what form it comes in. Our founder recognizes, there are women looking for answers. I know I was! At these spiritual retreats, many women come searching for an answer. The only answer to grief, loss, sorrow, loneliness or feelings of hopelessness is Jesus Christ!
After such a wonderful weekend, I was set to spend a few days in Chicago for work and reconnect with employees. Some I hadn’t seen in years, others in months. Well, the morning I was set to fly out, I was on the phone and distracted getting out of my car and I slammed my thumb in the car door. You want to talk about pain. I was on a conference call and literally did a silent scream and fumbled to go on mute. I bawled my eyes out. I mean, I wailed.
For 16-1/2 months I’ve thanked God that my pain is not physical. I recognize we are not suffering from physical pain even though my pain and stress did manifest itself. Well, let me tell you, slamming your thumb in the car door is extremely painful. The physical pain triggered emotions that just poured out. All the while I’m still on mute. I was able to return to the call, advised the two ladies on the other line what happened and rescheduled. The flight that afternoon was brutal. I was crawling out of my skin with pain but was able to get a cup of ice. When my thumb wasn’t on ice, I couldn’t bear it. The swelling was intense, the blood had nowhere to go. My thumbnail is black. Isn’t that lovely?
Wyatt was traveling throughout April and May and for a month, we only saw each other 4 days. When he’s gone, I have trouble sleeping. Netflix gets a lot of use at night. When you can’t sleep, the wheels start churning. I constantly ask, “How is this my life?” For anyone that’s been through a monumental situation, there is this line drawn. If you’ve been there, you know every thought you have is either before that moment in time or after.
When I got married, I might have said “before, when I was single”. Once we had children, it was “before kids” when we’d talk about how we used to be able to just stop and eat at that new restaurant or pack up our things and head out for a weekend adventure. For some the “before” line in the sand is a life you used to have and everything from that moment on is different . . . before the accident, before I lost my job, before the surgery, before cancer struck, before my life was turned upside down and I was left feeling empty.
I’ve reconciled that some people just get their blessings first. Most people live their whole lives striving to be happy thinking “once I reach this next level, then I’ll really be happy”. Once I get that promotion, once I get married, once I lose weight, once I have a baby, once we’re in the new house, once I get through this, that or the other. My “before” was perfect and my “after” is not. Instead of trying to build up to happy, we had it from the moment we met. We got our blessings first. There was nothing missing.
We are doing our best, relying on our faith to carry us through. People say “I don’t know how you do it”. My faith is how. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has a purpose for what He allows, for the path He has us on. That is what keeps me going. Knowing my eternity is how I’m still “doing it”. I live with anticipation for when my true AFTER begins. Maybe we weren’t meant to be truly happy in this life so that we could realize the longing we have is not for things or a better job or a bigger house but for Christ. Before, I wasn’t thinking that way. Now that I am, I think God is like “now we’re getting somewhere”. Ultimately, whether you’re sitting in a before situation, stuck in the middle or in the aftermath, you’re right where God wants you to be.