Test or Trial?

I’m currently participating  in a Bible study (with some fabulous faith-filled women) on the book of James and we’ve spent some time talking about tests and trials in our lives. We’ve all had them, big or small. I’ve started to question, is every trial a test? Do hardships come that are just that, a trial, a hardship, without a test tied to it? James begins with the words “when you have many kinds of trouble, you should be full of joy because you know that these troubles test your faith and this will give you patience”. Consider it all joy? I have struggled with that a LOT in the last 13 months. How could I ever consider this joy?? I just don’t. For the record, I still cry, every single day. It doesn’t matter that a year has gone by, the grief comes in like a wave and knocks me down. Getting back up when you’ve been pummeled by waves is pretty challenging when you’re tired, out of breath and soaked. Got the visual now?

And so I ponder, is this a trial I’m facing or a test? With each hardship, is God waiting to see if we’ll get back up and ready our stance for the next wave? Does it please God to know that I keep getting back up, wave after crashing wave? I think it does. As difficult as it is to consider this “joy”, I do have hope and my hope comes from my belief in God. I know I am a child of God, I am loved by God. He knows me inside and out. I know He’s got me. I do not believe God created our hardship.  He gave us all free will and as a result, mistakes happen, accidents happen. When those circumstances happen, God steps in as our great comforter, healer and provider. Perhaps that’s when the test begins. How are you going to manage this hardship in your life? I associate it with situations at work. Mistakes happen and when we do get over the hump, far enough to look back and reflect, was it all the blame and shame and fear and anger that got you through it or was it good leadership, knowledge, experience, perseverance?

I fully believe God allows circumstances to happen to refine us, to purify us. I can tell you I have grown closer to God having been broken down and re-built with a new perspective. How does one measure closeness to God? For me, it’s a relationship and like every healthy relationship, you need to spend time together, so part of how I know I’ve grown closer is in the time I spend with God. I’ve increased the time I’m in conversation with God, giving Him thanks and praise, praying for others, praying for us (Wyatt, Colton & I). I spend more time participating in the sacrament of mass, more time reading the Bible, listening to sermons, finding opportunities to serve others. My faith has reached others and that brings me closer to God too. My inner dialogue has changed and I find myself saying “His plan, not yours, Laura” over and over again as I relinquish control.

If God has chosen to test me with this trial, I’d say I’m probably at a C+, okay maybe a B-.  I know how to earn an A, it’s all right there in the Bible, but we are sinners and we sin over and over again. I bring all I do that is displeasing to God and ask forgiveness and He says, start over, tomorrow is a new day. I dwell on past sins and He says drop it already, we’ve been over this. I start over and I sin again; maybe it’s a judgmental thought or a curse word, maybe its envy that others aren’t facing a hardship like mine, or I lose my patience for no good reason. I do it over and over again, getting a little better over time, but every time, He says I’m worth the forgiveness He provides. Maybe we don’t have to have a trial to be tested. Maybe our lives are one big test but we get to retake it every time we fail. Like the lawyer that had to take the bar 3 or 4 times before he passed, God gives us a clean sheet of paper every day and says try again. Once you’re a lawyer or a doctor or a CPA, that’s it, you don’t print on your business card how many times it took you to get there, right?

I think what James meant when he said “consider it all joy” was all about attitude. How do you approach your hardships? Finding the joy or the blessing in a hardship isn’t going to come easy and it isn’t going to come fast. As James said “troubles will give you patience”. How I wish I had an answer, how desperately I want to see the blessing unfold as God sees it, like turning to the last page of the book to see how it ends without taking the time to read the story.  May the Lord help us to grow patient as we wait for our story to unfold.