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A Journey of Journaling

I know. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve written. It’s not the first time I started a journal entry with “it’s been THREE months. . .”

I’ve journaled since grade school. I’d say somewhere between 5th and 7th grade it became a habit. Back then it was a “diary” but all through my teenage years into adulthood and ever since, I’ve used writing as a way of processing emotions and recording my life. I can go back to journals from my mid-twenties and read my prayers for the man I hoped God would place in my life. I can re-read the journal entries of when Wyatt and I were dating and remember why I fell in love with him in the first place. I can go back to vacations, weekends or just a Tuesday night in 2007 and re-live moments long gone. Journaling has been a true gift from God giving me a window into the past. How wonderful to go back to prayers I wrote way back when and recognize, God answered that one! Not on my timeline of course. His will, His way, His timing.

I continued to expand my journaling-habit with Shutterfly books capturing highlights from each year tucked into a neat, flat photo album with borders and embellishments to match the picture. It’s as if God gave me this trait to record and preserve the past. He knew. He knew I would NEED to step back in time and revisit everything from big milestones to mundane details.

With well over 30 years of journaling, that’s a lot of prayers documented. A close friend, prayer warrior and faith mentor recently encouraged me (and our Zoom Bible Study crew) to journal our prayers. I thought, “Check! Done that!” The joy comes from going back to see what God has done for you.

A job right out of college

A husband

Children and no struggle to get pregnant

Mom’s cancer cured

Dad’s aortic aneurysm fixed (twice)

A promotion at work

Sister’s husband healthy

A baby for my sister in law

Nieces & nephews safe

My father in law – still here after fighting cancer for 16 years

As I went through the exercise to recognize the many blessings and answered prayers I’ve received, I couldn’t help focus on the ones unanswered. In particular, one.

My sweet Tristan, taken from us just 2 weeks after his 11th birthday in Jan 2017. Healthy, perfect. I’ve never prayed for anything more in my entire life. I never had more people (friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, friends of friends, strangers, priests, nuns) praying for the same person. I thought for sure, with that kind of prayer power storming the gates of Heaven, God would bring us a miracle. Unanswered.

We still saw a miracle and as any writer would do, I wrote to the recipients of Tristan’s organs; 4 people that got a second chance at life. I journaled ALL of my pain for a year straight. It was my therapy. I published my journal as a tribute to Tristan’s life and to bring hope to others dealing with unanswered prayers. God’s thoughts are not our thoughts. His ways are not our ways. There is a purpose I cannot fully understand. He has a plan and I am more anxious than ever to meet Jesus face to face to hear about the wonderful things that came about from my unanswered prayer.

I will continue to journal, to count my blessings and find purpose in the pain. The apostles, Peter and Paul, both wrote about sharing in Christ’s suffering and I often remind myself of this when I ask “Why?” Why wasn’t THIS prayer answered? Why us? Why MY son?

Christ was empowered by his suffering and death to save us completely. If suffering brings me to a place where my faith has been made stronger, I receive it. The Holy Spirit has led me to a place of complete trust in God. I can walk out upon the water, trusting that even if God brings me into the deepest water, He’s got me.

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May’s Legacy

I have always relied on writing to fully process emotions or get things off my chest that I may never say out loud. In 2017, I wrote and wrote and wrote for a year straight then in 2018, I started this blog. I continued to write through 2018 and 2019. Here we are nearly half-way through 2020 and I’ve only posted a few times. That tells me I either have less to process or I’m just saying more out loud? Likely the latter.

Like all of you, the last several months things turned upside down. I picked up a large project at work, in addition to my day job, then added home-schooling to my resume. God has certainly blessed our teachers to do what they do! I came to enjoy becoming more involved in the school work but still struggled with finding the time during my work day to manage.

The school work tapered off and by mid-May we were pretty much done. Colton’s official graduation was Friday, May 22nd. We participated in an online ceremony and did a drive-thru goodbye for a school we will never, EVER forget. It was sad to see the kiddos missing out on 5th grade farewell activities, but somehow God seems to have sheltered me from having to go through the pain of living out the same 5th grade moments I couldn’t be a part of in May 2017. Although the Schupbach family has completed our time at Mountain Park, their legacy, the kindness of teachers & staff, will always be in our memories.

Thank you for all the orange moments, Mountain Park! We will miss ALL of you. Hugs, Kisses, High Fives!!

Colton recently asked me about MY legacy. Mom, what do you want to be remembered for? I don’t know if this question was prompted by impacts of this virus or if it was a Memorial Day movie we’d watched about a grandfather reliving WWII memories. Either way, I didn’t hesitate. I want to be remembered for how I helped others. And the goal for the rest of my life is to use as many experiences on this earth to inspire and help others whether that’s as simple as paying it forward to help someone have a better day or bringing someone to God’s word and His saving grace.

There is a feeling I get, being involved in a mission to create a legacy for God’s glory. Sonflower Ministries has been doing this for over 25 years. Sadly, our May retreat had to be cancelled so we are all praying we can resume our preparations late summer for the November retreat. These weekends fill my bucket. They can be physically & emotionally exhausting but the impact the weekend has is simply put, remarkable, and carries a unique legacy of women bound by faith, hope and God’s pure love, free to anyone who needs it, available 24/7 and guaranteed to bring light to the darkest times.

With or without that retreat, quarantined from friends & family, Jesus’ legacy carries me. And His legacy started with His mama. May is the month we celebrate all the special moms in our lives and the Blessed Mother, Mary. I often speak to Mary in my prayers. She knows my pain and for that I feel connected to her the way I do other bereaved mothers. Her willingness to say YES to God and her strength to endure her pain is a legacy I strive for.

My most cherished memory of honoring Mary was in 8th grade when I was chosen to be a part of the May Crowning Court at school. To this day, I’m still so thankful for the experience. My Catholic school always celebrated the Blessed Mother with a formal ceremony to crown Mary, Queen of Heaven, in May. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, all of those who have been blessed to become mothers (through childbirth, adoption, foster care or otherwise). Comfort those who have lost their mothers as well as mothers who have suffered the loss of a child or whose relationship with their child is struggling. Provide healing to mothers that are sick and the many mothers who are caring for the sick, especially during this pandemic. Lord God, thank you for selecting Mary to leave her legacy to guide us, in faith, through any circumstance that comes our way.

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Shelter in HIS Place

Okay, I know it’s been 2 months since I’ve posted. To be honest, I haven’t had the normal push to write. I typically wait until God taps me on the shoulder until I feel compelled to do it.

March is a blur given our circumstances. Both of us working full time in the same house and now having 3 weeks of home-schooling under my belt, it’s been nuts, but no different than everyone else’s situation. And frankly, our situation is so tame compared to many others. Everyone’s routine has been turned upside down.

We are grateful to be healthy and have prayed HARD for those we are concerned about. We pray for our friends & family members, our president and government leaders, our neighbors, our parish, healthcare workers, teachers, businesses that are suffering, employees affected financially, everyone at risk. I continue to repeat “I don’t understand this, God, but I trust you”.

I have read so many inspiring things online giving people hope at a time when everyone has tremendous uncertainty. I have seen such creativity with people transforming their talent or business to support this global issue. I sit cooped up in the house, working, helping with my son’s online school work, making dinner, cleaning up, doing laundry and it’s been the same for 3 weeks now. I have guilt because I feel helpless with the exception of some online donations. I struggle to stay present as my thoughts wander to what will this look like when we look back on it a year from now, five, ten years from now? We are living through something that will be referenced in history books (if they still print books in 50 years!?)

As I shelter in place, I push through my day finding ways to shelter in HIS place despite my cabin fever. Through my Bible and the devotionals I read, I continue to feel a reassurance God is at work.

What?

How could THIS be God’s work?

I honestly don’t know. Maybe this is a wake-up call to get people’s attention. I’ve been reading & listening to Ezekiel and Jeremiah and I think about how often these prophets tried and how many refused to listen. I have no idea if that’s what this is. As awful as this situation is (and believe me, I KNOW awful situations), there is still an opportunity for God to bring about something good.

For me, it’s been a new perspective. My family is lucky to be healthy through this ordeal. Thank you Lord, for showing mercy on us. I am humbled by the professionals that are giving up their families and their time to work countless additional hours to fight this and help people that have succumb to the illness. Protect them, Lord. I’m thankful for my job and for my husband who has taken such good care of us. Bless him, Lord. I hate that Colton can’t play with his friends and I’m even more sad he doesn’t have his brother to keep him company at a time like this (or even fight with after being cooped up for too long). Comfort him, Lord.

We haven’t been to church in 3 weeks, but we are participating in the mass online. I am so anxious to get back to church and back to my Monday morning adoration hour. For now, I’m continuing to stay in His word by listening to the Bible and praying as often as I can throughout the day.

Be safe. Be patient with one another (I’ll try taking my own advice) and PRAY.

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Don’t Let the Door Hit ‘Ya

And finally, the last day of January. It was among my first thoughts this morning. As the alarm went off, I thought “what day is it? It’s Friday, it’s the LAST day of this month”. See ya January, don’t let the door hit ‘ya . . .

My next thought was of Tristan and recent orange moments I’ve had. I thought of my dear friend, experiencing her son’s heavenly birthday today and another friend who is about to go through the same. They both have painful months ahead and mine is finally behind me. Bereaved parents club – we always remember two days, our son’s birthdays and the day they went home. Even with the month behind me, it’s not like the rest of the year suddenly becomes joy-filled. I still struggle, a lot, mostly in the quiet of my own home.

Colton is now the same height Tristan was when he left this world, hitting the middle of my nose. We measured Colton recently and he’s grown an inch in the last 6 months! Woah! Fifth grade is full of so much activity as we are in the home stretch of elementary school, about to embark upon another school play.  Colton is the “Wizard” in the Wizard of Oz and the memories flood in as I run lines with him, just like I’d done with Tristan two years in a row. With the flurry of activity, we are making some changes and yesterday was Colton’s last day in the after-school program. I’d promised him he could start taking the bus home every day with drama club rehearsals wrapping up (same promise I gave to Tristan). I cried on the way to Bible study last night thinking I won’t walk into the cafeteria multiple times a week to see Tristan’s heart-shaped memorial up on the wall. As we were about to leave, we had a chance meeting with a teacher we’ve known for years through the after-school program; a woman Tristan and Colton have always adored and loved. We said a quick “goodbye” right in front of Tristan’s memorial knowing we’ll still see each other here and there, at church,  on Facebook. Now that I think about it, that wasn’t just chance running into her on that last day. That was an orange moment.

Speaking of orange moments, I still have them, some profound and others small occasions, like a little whisper, just enough to make me take a deep breath in. When we were snowmobiling in WI over the holidays, we rented two sleds. The one I was riding had the number 14 stuck to the windshield. It’s easy to say it’s just a coincidence, but I can’t keep saying that. I see that number and it’s instantly a sign. I went for a walk with a friend and the sky was the most unbelievable orange that morning. I still have birds tapping the window and the last time we visited the cemetery on Tristan’s birthday, there was a hawk resting on a low branch in a tree right next to the road leading out of the cemetery. It was so close, so much so I yelled out to Wyatt “stop, look at that!” He stopped the car for me to just take it in. A close friend always talks about a hawk that circled the 5th grade ceremony the day Tristan’s classmates graduated. I’m always fascinated when I see one close up like we did at the cemetery. Normally you only catch a glimpse of them swooping by, so it was peaceful to see it just sitting on the branch for a moment and in close proximity to recognize details.

I have orange moments that aren’t necessarily mysterious coincidences, rather, times to pause and remember Tristan, like a co-volunteer giving me 3 orange roses and leaving the rest of the bouquet in front of the Blessed Mother at our church. Then there are the cards, texts, lunch/dinner, plants, flowers and small tokens from friends that filled my January. There is my wind chime outside that I barely ever hear, but when I do,  its music makes me think of Tristan. I’m three years out and I still cannot believe this life is my truth. Between these moments, I constantly repeat, this can’t be true.

When I woke up this morning, I thought about our Bible study discussion and the scripture that spoke to blessings amidst pain and suffering. So many can speak of joyful feelings having overcome some awful situation. I feel like I will carry my suffering forever, never turning into a over-comer, always “stuck” in the middle of that valley shadowed by death. When I’ve asked why God allowed this, I’ve received an answer – so that you can know Him. Here’s the thing, I thought I knew God, but it had become somewhat of a surface level relationship. I was going to church, I’d done the retreats, tithing, praying, but now, I REALLY know Him.

Most would say “I’d rather not lose my child to get to know God”. Yah, no duh, me too.  Do you think Jesus wanted to DIE to get people to get to know His father? He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying it could be another way, but willing to accept the sacrifice God knew He would have to make.   Here’s my revelation.  This wasn’t just for ME to know Him better because obviously Tristan’s death affected many, so the answer has become more clear. The answer to “Why did God allow this?” is so that MANY could get to know Him better. Maybe that means it’s just the 3 of us, but I venture to think this includes my family, close friends, neighbors, parents at school & in sports with us, co-workers, Facebook connections, acquaintances, strangers who have received a Pay it Forward, CRHP ladies & families in my parish, boys who went to WinShape Camp, Sonflower sisters, Orange Moments readers. I’ve been in the garden too, I’ve prayed for this cup to go to someone else.

God knew. He knew the ripple effect would reach many.

If you’re reading this and you want to draw closer to God, but are not sure where to start, I encourage you to start with God’s word. There are so many Bible options now, some with journal pages or author notes in the margins. I have both a Jesus Calling and a Bible (YouVersion) app on my phone in addition to a Bible I’ve had for 14 years. There are MULTIPLE Bible-reading plans addressing a specific need (i.e. grief, despair, worry, etc) or question you may have. Some are very brief devotionals and others are longer, but I guarantee there is a plan (if not many) that will suit you. If reading or having your phone read TO you is not your thing, there are MULTIPLE Bible-based movies recapping the Gospels, Jesus’ passion or the apostle Paul’s missions.

Netflix > Search > Jesus

And don’t forget the Google machine’s power to connect us with an endless number of sermons. I’ve listened to THOUSANDS. They are all discussing the same book, but we have so many options available to find a speaker who suits you best. . . Man or woman, old or young, monotone delivery or RAISE THE ROOF kinda worship. It’s all out there. Then there is music. Music has been an enormous part of my relationship with God, listening to artists turn scripture into lyrics. Powerful stuff there. If you’re in Atlanta, tune to 104.7 The Fish. It’s always on in my car. Lastly, volunteering and giving back has done done wonderful things to deepen my relationship with God. We are an extension of God’s love for all of His children and when you show that love to others, their appreciation and gratefulness fills your cup. It’s literally contagious.

Although I’m relieved to see January in my rear view mirror, I’ll fill my cup back up and bring focus to February so I can continue to share my faith, finding purpose in my pain. I thank God for morning clarity and look forward to the next eye-opening experience my Bible has in store for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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“Happy” Renewed Year

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write. I told myself I’d get back to writing in my journal in 2020, a daily habit I’d had for years. It’s January 9th and although I do have a DIY bullet journal, I’m not back to frequent writing just yet.  I still make notes on my calendar so I can look back and remember what we did last weekend, last month. If I didn’t do that, I’d struggle.

Memory is a funny thing and I felt this brain fog when I came back to work after 2 weeks off over the holidays, kind of like coming out of a deep sleep. What was I working on before I left!? We’d spent 11 days away from home traveling up north, then further north, each trek taking the temperature down more and more. It was good to see family, really good, but as most who know me, I hate the cold. It was actually the warmest Christmas I can remember so it was not too bad and it didn’t reach the negative numbers when we went snowmobiling, so that’s good? Some of you are probably cringing hearing “negative numbers”. One year it was something like -19 and we were driving sleds across a frozen lake. This year, the lakes were not frozen, so it changed our traffic pattern a little. I bought myself a new pair of boots and gloves and forced myself to say “I’m so excited we’re going snowmobiling” thinking if I said it out-loud, it would make it true. LOL

My favorite part of snowmobiling is still the stops. We break for a snack/drink at small Wisconsin pubs to order cheese curds or a bloody mary with a beer chaser (locals nodding their heads). Those of us in GA are like “why would you need a beer chaser”? Not a need, it’s tradition. It is beautiful scenery out in the woods, everything covered in snow.

When I came back to GA on the 31st I still had a few days off as we were heading into January, our least favorite month. Tristan’s birthday was January 3rd. He would have been 14 this year. He loved snowmobiling and Colton loves it, so that’s why we still go. We stay at a different hotel than where we used to stay; too many memories and it’s just too painful. Those memories… there is no brain fog there. Those memories are pristine. God has built us as such a masterpiece with a brain that can recall different memories with a whiff of cinnamon rolls or cigar smoke. We have memories that replay in our minds when we hear a song or experience an emotion. I’ve often wished I could walk into my brain, like accessing a room of archives with the ability to access certain memories on demand and watch them like a movie where I can pause, rewind, play, pause, rewind, play. I imagine when I get to Heaven I’ll have the opportunity.

We are days away from the anniversary of Tristan’s accident and his leaving this earth and if I could hit the fast forward or just sleep through it, I would. Memories tied to emotional experiences are ones we remember best which is why you can remember your first kiss, a disagreement with a loved one, the day you got engaged/married, a car accident or the moment you gave birth to a precious life. We are so very complex in our thoughts, emotions, hormones, organs, nervous & cardiovascular systems, such an intricate design. I am in awe of God’s handiwork and constantly say “it’s all too perfect” for life as we know it to have been created any other way.

Life keeps going and we continue to ask the same questions that have plagued us for 3 years now. The pain hasn’t lifted and I’ve accepted it never will. I can experience happy moments and even laugh and sing but it all circles back to feeling the emptiness in our lives. The void will never be filled. One minute we’re laughing, the next we’re crying, literally. It happens over and over again. It’s so much more than missing him, it’s a lack-luster future. I find myself dwelling on the hope others have in this life seeing friends who have struggled overcome their financial woes, witnessing addicts turning their lives around, watching those who have lost a spouse find love again, desperate couples becoming parents through adoption. I see so many clinging to hope and experiencing joy in this life and my void remains. My hope remains, but not for this life. I struggle to see that anything in this life will fill the hole in my heart.

I had a dream recently that an evil person/demon was trying to coerce me, like Kylo Ren pressuring Rey to join the dark side. In the dream, I proclaimed Jesus as my savior, I called out his name and I was enveloped in a bright white/yellow light, almost the way the sun is more yellow in the center and has a white aura of light. I felt safe. I remember saying to the demon, “you can’t hurt me”. I knew I was protected. I felt light as if I was floating. It was like there was this bubble around me, protecting me, like Violet’s superpower in the Incredibles. I’m so thankful for dreams like this where I can experience that feeling. It’s one that is hard to physically experience when I’m awake even though I know, as a child of God, I am protected, not necessarily protected from harm, hard times or painful memories, but protected from that which can consume me in this life. A dear friend often refers to Romans 12:2 “do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.

Although I have memories that often send me into an emotional downward spiral, I have the will of God which renews my mind. I have the power of my renewed mind providing strength to endure this life and that only comes from God. I’ve said “Happy New Year” multiple times in the last 9 days and every time I have this bitter roll-of-the-eyes. . .yah, “happy”, pssssh. Although it’s a challenge to use the word “happy”, I am renewed for another year. God continues to renew me through the Bible, mass & adoration, through volunteering, writing, exercise & sleep, through friends & family.

Here’s to a renewed mind and may God bless you in 2020.

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Thankful for the Cross

This summer I started re-reading the Bible. I’d read it cover to cover, then re-read the New Testament start to finish and now I’m reading it in historical sequence, which is kind of cool. In previous years, I’d only read passages at a time, maybe a chapter or a few pages, perhaps an entire book, but in the last few years, it’s become so much more. I’m in Psalms and 2 Samuel reading David’s writing in between cave dwelling, escaping to the wilderness and running from Saul. A friend once told me, “Psalms is so depressing”. I hear ya. It can be, but not to someone who has felt despair. I’ve often looked as Psalms as a writing that encompasses EVERY emotion you could ever feel in your lifetime.

As I page through and look at what I’ve underlined or written in the margins of the pages, I’m encouraged.

Hear my prayer. . . hear my cry for help. . . Lord, I am weak heal me. . . My eyes are dimmed with sorrow. . . Why do you stand at a distance and pay no heed to those in troubled times. . . In the Lord I take refuge. . . the Lord tests the good and the bad. . . how long Lord? How long must I carry sorry in my soul, grief in my heart day after day. . . Let me be filled with your presence. . .you have tried me by fire. . . I call upon you answer me O God. . . I love you Lord my strength, my rock. . . You lead me, you restore my strength Even though I walk through a dark valley I fear no harm for you are at my side . . . I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come. . . I will wait for you O Lord In you I trust. . . have pity on my for I am alone and afflicted Relieve the troubles of my heart, bring me out of this distress . . . The Lord reigns as king forever!

Talk about your up’s and down’s, I feel you, David! There are more psalms of lament than any other type. Lament – a passionate expression of grief or sorrow. They typically begin with a cry for help and end with certainty that God has heard the prayer, psalms of thanksgiving. I’d say every day of my life is like this. My thoughts repeat over and over again, lamenting for my son. They sometimes turn to anger and desperation. Where ARE you, God!? How long will we have to live with this pain? They always route back to His word, what I know to be true, and to my gratitude for God’s place in my life.

This weekend we were at a race (cars, not running) and there was a big banner, probably 8 feet high and 10 feet wide and you could grab a marker and write what you are thankful for. Colton and I stood there and read a few of them. Lots of shout-out’s to “family”, “friends”, “my dog”. Colton grabbed a marker and without any input from me he wrote “the cross”. I had to stand back and take that in. First, I was amazed that my sweet 10-year old didn’t write “my gecko” or “my skateboard”, he went to the heart of what really matters and what we should all be thankful for. Without the cross, without the sacrifice Jesus made to die for the sins of the earth and the sins to come, we would not have the chance for salvation that we have today.

Let me side-step on this topic a bit, I promise you I’ll come back. A friend of mine forwarded a video to me a couple months ago for Dr. Joe Dispenza. He is an author, speaker, educator, researcher on the mind-body connection and is pretty fascinating to listen to. I’ve watched several of his interviews now. He states that our thoughts are connected to our future; in a nutshell our thoughts create our reality. We think 60-70,000 thoughts in ONE day and get this. . .90% of these thoughts are the SAME thoughts we had the day before! The same thoughts lead to the same choices, the same choices lead to the same behaviors and the same behaviors create the same experiences , the same experiences produce the same emotion. Those emotions drive the same thoughts. Ohmigosh, it’s a hamster wheel! How we think, act & feel makes up our personality. Your personality creates your personal reality.

If we want to change our reality, we have to think different thoughts. Easier said than done, but I did get a glimpse of the healing powers of this when I attended a mindfulness retreat. Whether it’s meditating, taking a walk, listening to calming music, drinking a cup of coffee, we can slow down and disconnect a little. There is so much NOISE. Work, relationships, finances, social media, politics, just to name a few. By taking a step back from the noise and becoming aware of our thoughts, our behaviors/habits, we CAN begin to change them. Hearing that enticed me and it aligns with the reason for my Bible devotions. In the quiet reflection, I become more aware of my thoughts and can control more of my emotions.

Dr. Joe claims if you look at the emotions you live by every day that are connected to your past, you need to decide, do these emotions belong in my future? Our brain is organized to reflect everything we know, everything we’ve learned & experienced up to this moment. We get up, we do the same things every day, we live by a routine and by doing the same things that we’ve literally memorized, we end up thinking the same thoughts, performing the same actions, feeling the same emotions. Did I do anything that would have changed my brain today? Am I doing everything the same and secretly expecting my life to change?

Science indicates that by the time we are 35 years old, we are merely a set of memorized behaviors, beliefs/perceptions. The repetition of these actions over time conditions your body to do it better than your mind. The circuits in our brain become our unconscious habits. A habit is when your body knows better than the brain. Do you stop and think “How should I brush my teeth today? Should I start on the left and brush the bottom then the top or start on the right?” No, you just go and you probably follow the exact same pattern every time . 95% of most people’s behaviors, thoughts & emotional reactions are sub-conscious “programs”. Every time you learn something new, you make a new connection in your brain. When we learn ONE new thing, we can double the connections in our brain, but if you don’t review it, repeat it, ultimately remember it, you can lose it in hours or days. So if learning is making new connections in the brain, then remembering is maintaining/sustaining those connections. We CAN define ourselves into something bigger and not end up predictable. New thoughts & new information leads to new choices and new choices will lead to new behaviors to create new experiences and new emotions. Those new emotions will drive new thoughts.

If your brain is a record of the past and you don’t have a vision of what you want for your future, you are living in the past. If you wake up and you don’t have a vision bigger than you, you’ll get up living with the same thoughts, see the same people, go to the same places and do the exact same thing at the exact same time and now your external environment is controlling how you think and feel because you have a neurological network for every person you know, every place that you visit and everything that you do. We keep creating the same life. To truly change is to think greater than the external environment and the circumstances in your life. Great, I want it, how do I get there?

Dr. Joe states, “we wake up in the morning and we remember our problems”. The moment we start thinking about those problems, we’re thinking in the past and our problems have an emotion associated with them. You feel these emotions and now your body doesn’t know the difference between the experience that originally created the emotions and the emotions we’re fabricating by thought alone. I know I am not the only one that has worked myself up over a situation with thoughts alone that drive anxiety. Sometimes these thoughts are over a situation that hasn’t even happened! Worry warts, this means you. The mind is a powerful thing.

When we decide to make a choice and make a change like “I’m giving up sugar” or “I’m going to wake up early to exercise”, get ready, because it is uncomfortable and your body is like “woah, this is different” and your body starts to influence your mind. . .”you can’t do this”, “just start tomorrow”, “is it really worth it” or as Wyatt says out loud most days “but sugar is sooooo good?” If you entertain the negative thoughts, it will lead right back to the same choices & behaviors and it will feel right, but it’s not “right” it’s just familiar. Obviously, my circumstance, the thoughts & emotions I battle, seem more severe than “I can’t live without sugar”, but to your brain, it’s just another thought that’s tied to an emotion.

Stop.

Close your eyes.

Think of this future self where you are not living every day by these past thoughts & emotions. Can you see yourself making decisions that are not governed by your problems or your pain or what you’ve always done? Can you hear yourself saying “well, I’ve just always done it this way”. It’s so hard, but I’m starting to realize the difference . I’m trying to be more aware of my thoughts, actions, emotions and the connection. It’s not “don’t think about Tristan”. My memories of him are joyful. Colton talks about him almost every day and says “I remember when. . . ” and we can laugh at some of those memories, feel proud, enjoy the memory. I know the thoughts that do not bring joy and it takes practice and effort to re-direct those thoughts.

I try to make my first thoughts about God. I wake up and I begin to thank God for my family, my job, a bed to sleep in, clean water to drink, food in our fridge & pantry, a hot shower, my car, our house. I start my days in gratitude, but the one I put at the top of the list, more than any person or possession, is the cross. I am thankful for the cross, thankful for a salvation & eternity offered to me based on a belief in Jesus. I say “thank you for the 11 years we had with Tristan”. I am trying, but those familiar thoughts from my past make me want to hang onto my pain and there I am back on the hamster wheel. January will be 3 years and it feels like 30.

If I can close my eyes, disconnect, quiet my thoughts, sit in the chapel, get lost in the Word of God, pray, listen for that still small voice, I can begin to re-wire. I can begin to think more about a future where I help others in grief, a future where I bring my knowledge of God and the Bible to everyone I come in contact with. The more and more I disconnect, the more connected I feel to God and it just takes practice.

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Forgiveness

This Sunday we read from the Gospel of Luke remembering Jesus’ teaching on getting into Heaven. This is a topic I am personally VERY interested in because I know THIS place is only temporary.  We spend a significant amount of time investing in our lives here on earth through relationships, school, careers, our home, retirement, etc, however, there is no better investment we can make in this life than our faith in God. Luke’s Gospel speaks of a very narrow door, one which Jesus stated many will not get through. Psst. . .The width of this door is a metaphor, God is not telling you to eat less carbs. Many will try to get in, EXPECT to get in, but He may say “sorry, not on the list”. Can you even imagine? The thought of getting through this life and hearing “and you are?” would terrify me. Read more about the path to Heaven here.

In addition to my faith, which confirms Jesus as the son of God, I also believe God forgives my sins. This is precisely why Jesus was sent to live out a life on earth as one of us. Jesus taught His chosen disciples about living for God’s kingdom, proved He was the son of God over and over again through miracles then died as a sacrifice, an atonement, for you and for me and then rose from the dead as He had told His disciples He would. Instead of sacrificing a lamb, as was the Hebrew tradition for forgiveness, HE was the sacrifice. It was His blood that was shed. He accepted the accusations and the wrongful punishment as a sacrifice to say we are worthy of God’s forgiveness. He died for OUR sins, not His; sins people had committed and sins to be committed. He died so we could be forgiven even though we deserve the worst.

When I refer to “sins”, I’m speaking to the original ten commandments God instructed His people to follow. Only ten. I strive and I struggle to follow all of them, every day. God knows we are all sinners. Thankfully, He doesn’t expect perfection, only love and adoration.

Here’s a refresher on Exodus 20:

  1. You shall have no other Gods before me
  2. You shall not make for yourselves an idol
  3. You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy
  5. Honor your father and your mother
  6. You shall not murder
  7. You shall not commit adultery
  8. You shall not steal
  9. You shall not give false testimony (do not lie)
  10. You shall not covet

I’m Catholic and my church keeps a card outside the confessional to help conduct an examination of conscience prior to confession. I keep one pinned to our bulletin board at home for frequent reminders. I like it because it presses further, relating these commandments to my every day life, asking questions like. . .

Did you use foul language?

Have you entertained feelings of envy?

Have you had lustful thoughts?

Have you put other areas of your life, like your job, above God?

Have you gossiped or harmed anyone emotionally?

When it comes to making it through the narrow door, there is only one shot, one judgement; eternal damnation or eternal paradise. I know which one I’m striving for.

God forgives me over and over again. I’ve come to be so thankful for the thousands of second chances He’s given me. His forgiveness strengthens my trust in His plan but there are times when I try to take the wheel, completely steering off track from God’s plan. When that happens, the devil steps in and starts to press my buttons, stirring up emotions. My faith in God tells me to let go and give Him the control, but that’s the thing about trusting in God, you have to LET HIM DRIVE.

Some time ago someone told me they knew my grief because they had experienced grief through the loss of a parent. I was so mad. I literally said in my head “Do people honestly think losing their mom or dad as an adult registers at the same level of pain that is accompanied with losing a child!? I’ve spent 2.5 years swimming in pain every single day! Are they still crouched down on the floor of the shower bawling their eyes out a few times a week over the loss of mom or dad years later? Do they think of the emptiness this life now represents, every day, multiple times a day? Are there days they would rather die than live because mom or dad is gone?” This glimpse into my mind is not how I feel at every moment, but it sure was how I felt in THAT moment. Oh, I was mad. My transparency in exposing my thoughts can be harsh, but it’s just a moment of weakness and I hope my brutal honesty can help someone else in my shoes realize they are not alone in those thoughts.  I’d completely steered off the road but God was like “I’ll be right here when you’re done ranting, Laura”.

Emotions have a way of ramping up if we let them and I let it roll. I even texted a friend in the same boat as me. She relates to my emotions 100% because she’s lived it. We know people just don’t get it, and how could they know this pain if they hadn’t lived it? Then I shared my emotions with my husband. I often think the Holy Spirit fills him with the right thing to say at the right time and that’s why I am so grateful to be married to such a faith-filled man. Wyatt reminded me, “They don’t know, Laura, all they know is what THEY have lived”.  I said, “So, why do people tell me they know what I’m going through!?” He said, “Laura, they are just trying to comfort, they don’t know, but, think about it . . . if we can sit here and ask God to forgive us for every sin we’ve done (big and small), don’t you think we should be as quick to forgive others for the small things?” Reality check, back on God’s path, Jesus at the wheel.

Here I was condemning someone when I should have let it go as quickly as I expect God to forgive & forget everything I’ve said throughout my life when my words may have been just as hurtful to others! Jesus asked God to forgive his executioners “for they know not what they do”.  What a wonderful lesson. I have to remember to quickly let go of anger when it creeps in. The more I focus on God’s word, serving God, worshiping Him, the less I allow the anger to control my path, but when it happens, I know God forgives this too. 

The Act of Contrition

My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong, and failing to do good. I have sinned against You whom I should love above ALL things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us. In His name, my God, have mercy. Amen

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The Latter Days

It’s been just over a month since my last post. Work has become busier but we’ve also made a point to spend our weekends on the lake and have had many visitors this summer. I’ve often said I feel like I’m running a B&B, washing sheets & towels over and over and over again, but it means we have lots of family & friends that want to spend time with us. We’ve spent many weekend mornings up early, on the water when it’s like glass so Colton can wakeboard without disruption. He’s getting REALLY good.

Wow! Now that’s high!

Another great thing about downtime at the lake is my morning coffee. It’s the best feeling to wake up and grab that first cup (there will be another) and just stare out the window. Toward the end of June I decided to start re-reading the Bible and I tend to listen/read when I first wake up or during the aforementioned coffee routine. YouVersion is such a great app with many different options for getting into the word of God. Download it if you don’t have it!! I chose a plan to read the Bible in historical sequence based on my hubby’s recommendation. It started with Genesis (obviously) then Job and Exodus. I’m curious to see how it will bounce around when I get to the new testament gospels, repeating some of the same stories that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each lived during their time with Christ.

Summer has gone by quickly, especially now that we only have 2 weeks left before Colton goes back to school (Aug 12). He had a wonderful time at Camp WinShape , Camp Woodlands (both in Cleveland, GA), Nike basketball camps, and Thunder Road music studios. We so enjoyed watching him play in a band at a local restaurant to show off their hard work!

The weeks without a scheduled camp, like this week and the next two, are difficult for him. He says “I have no one to play with”. I hate to hear that. I hate that God has left this precious boy without his best friend and brother. As I read/listened to the book of Job, I kept thinking, if I was as faithful through my suffering as Job, perhaps God would bless us again?

The Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than in the beginning. Job 42: 12

It’s been 2-1/2 years without Tristan and I cannot see a time in this earthly life where we will ever feel more blessed than we were from Jan 2006 to Jan 2017. I am still suffering through every day and even if it looks like I’m doing okay (laughing, engaged in conversation, smiling for a picture) it’s a moment. At some point when I get alone, I feel the gut punch that brings me right back to my reality reminding me of what I’m missing. Every weekend at the lake is a distraction, work is a distraction. Nothing has changed in 2-1/2 years except that I can say what happened out loud without breaking down. Great, what good does that do? People may think, “that’s good, you’re doing better!” No, not really. I’m just comfortably numb. It is still the first thing I think about every morning when I wake and every evening before I drift off to sleep.

How can this be how things turned out?

Why did this happen, Lord?

How long, Lord? How long do we have to live with this?

Those questions are on repeat, looping through my brain, over and over every single day, when I’m awake AND when I’m asleep.

Colton is going into 5th grade this year. Tristan never finished the 5th grade. I feel like I’m stepping into a dark abyss, this area of life I should have already experienced. I’ve watched friends who have already experienced 5th grade graduation with their kids, started middle school and are now about to start 8th grade and I feel like I’ve been left behind, like I should still be there with those moms, with those experiences under my belt. I can’t talk about what middle school math is like because I don’t know. I can’t talk about what the social scene at school is like for teenagers because I don’t know. I hate it. I can’t even comprehend what it will feel like this November when Colton turns 11. It is so awkward that he will soon be the same age as Tristan. Will he be the same height as Tristan with the top of his head reaching the middle of my nose? Sometimes I hear Tristan when Colton talks and I do a double-take. For one split second I think , was it all just a bad dream?

I’ve had many orange sunsets, visits from orange butterflies, constant taps on the window from birds and sweet moments where I know my words have had an impact but it’s never enough and I’m sorry, Lord. It’s hard to be grateful for what I have when what I had was so much better but I try every day. Every day I start over and I ask God to help me through the day, to show me the purpose in my pain.

How long was it for Job, how long between the tragedy in his life and his next blessing? How many days until he got to the “latter days”? The Bible says he lived 140 years AFTER and saw his sons and grandsons, but how long did he suffer prior? All the times in the past when I read Job, it felt quick; God blessed him, what, maybe a few months later? Maybe he endured 10 or 20 years suffering!? I pray for patience and wait on you, Lord. I only see my salvation as the “next blessing” and that feels like an eternity away. I’m thankful this life is temporary and every day that passes is one more day closer to celebrating an eternity in God’s kingdom and being reunited with Tristan. #waiting

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Summer in the South

I’ve been in the south for 15 years now and there are a few things about the south I’m just used to, like, ice storms that cause people to run to the grocery store to stock up on milk and bread, one syllable words that come out as two and completely different bugs, bugs we just didn’t have in Illinois. The weather, obviously, has been the best difference with our long spring/summer months and mild winters (despite the aforementioned ice storms). Today I had a first of encounters I had not yet experienced in the south.

I have been flying solo this week with Wyatt in Kansas for a project launch since last Wednesday and Colton away at WinShape camp since Sunday. Being without my landscape crew, I mean, my Schupbach men, I was tasked with mowing the lawn this week with a little weeding on the side. Neighbors literally slowed down as they drove by the other night, is that Laura, mowing? One person actually stopped, huge smile on his face and he mouthed

“That. Is. AWESOME!”

I gave him a thumbs down with a smirk and blew my hair out of my eyes and kept on trucking. One of the things that I’ve come to deal with and even expect at times, on a very infrequent basis when I’m out in the yard is. . . snakes. My sister is likely sitting with her shoulders shrugged up to her ears reading this right now. She cannot even stand to see a snake on t.v. On a few occasions, it’s just a harmless black snake, but honestly, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve even come across a black snake in the yard.

As I was cleaning off the back patio, I moved a propane tank for the grill and went back to the same spot and there was a baby copperhead I hadn’t noticed when I lifted the tank. Note to northerners, these suckers will latch on and not let go plus the mother is likely not far and you don’t want that. I’ve seen Wyatt take care of this type of situation, so I grabbed a shovel and mustered up the strength. I can do this. My first attempt was an epic fail and the snake was mad as heck, lifting its head, mouth wide open, full on battle-mode. Recognize, these guys are little, so hopefully you’re not picturing a viper with fangs.

Just yesterday I mowed right next to that spot and was weeding in tall grass in another part of the planting beds! These little guys, they tend to hide out. I had on jeans and socks & shoes so I was being smart, but he certainly surprised me. It got me thinking, how LONG had that snake been under there?

At times, my emotions can hide out in a dark place, much like the crevice under the tank, surprising an unsuspecting passerby. I had an emotional Sunday night after dropping Colton off at camp by my lonesome returning home to an empty house and Monday morning wasn’t any better after a nearly sleepless night. I was in a mood and I could feel myself getting frustrated at everything, mostly work. I was a little like that snake, ready to snap. I did get a little feisty with my boss that morning. He probably wanted to smack me with a shovel. Eventually I did have a breakdown.

In my emotional tantrum, I asked God (again) “Why? Wasn’t there another path for us? Is this really what you want? I can’t do this any more.” I know I am not physically suffering. I’m in good health (cholesterol numbers aside) living in our beautiful house with clean sheets and hot showers with plenty of food and clothing and a million things to be grateful for, but inside, I’m still waiting, desperately waiting for God to help me understand. How is this my life? Sometimes I just want to stay in my dark crevice of the world. I was tempted to crawl back into the bed. I kept having a conversation with God as if he was sitting right next to me.

I still get so mad. I ask “Why wouldn’t you let this happen to someone who really needs to have their life turned around?” I stopped and heard “Wow, Laura, do you really think you had it all figured out before this?” I didn’t. I still don’t, but I am closer in my relationship with God and I know that means everything for my eternity. I didn’t give that snake much of a chance after it lashed out at me. I am so thankful that God forgives me time and time again every time I lash out at Him, second guessing His motives, asking for an explanation, judging His plan to be less than perfect . His grace is so much more than what I deserve.

I receive it.

A friend recently gave me an orange bracelet that says HOPE and she said “I knew it was just perfect for you”. It is. Another precious orange moment that reminds me how lucky I was to be Tristan’s mom. Despite my emotional roller coaster rides and battles with serpents, I always, always rest in the arms of my Creator. He brightens the darkest places and lifts me up.

As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up.  John 3:14

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The Crown I Wear

I am gearing up for another weekend retreat with Sonflower Ministries! I just love all the excitement of seeing these ladies, meeting new people and bringing Christ into the lives of the attendees to help battle whatever it is that they are struggling with. We love on them and take care of their every need for a few days. It is hard work for the MANY women that come to serve, but, the retreat and it’s powerful force is not just for the attendees.

This will be my fourth retreat (3rd time serving). Each time I come away with something different. A lot of the time, my perspective shifts. My dialogue with God changes and becomes more focused on what is truly important in this life. I’ve said for a long time, everyone has a story. This retreat provides a glimpse into the lives of women of all walks of life and we are able to share a slice of our lives with them; the valleys we have been in, the mountains we’ve had to climb.

Sonflower has dramatically changed how I pray and how I speak to others about my faith. The co-founder, Mary Lucy Holliday, graciously wrote the foreword to my book! She and her husband, Paster Rae Holliday, have been such a wonderful addition to my life and have been right there next to me as I’ve climbed a treacherous mountain. They have picked me up when the valley swallowed me whole and for that I am forever grateful to this amazing couple.

I spoke at the Sonflower retreat in Nov 2017, as an attendee, sharing my story and Pay it Forward cards. When I finished, Mary Lucy said “this is YOUR ministry!” and it lit the fire I needed to do more with what we had started in Tristan’s memory. It was those four words that pushed me to take what I had poured out onto my keyboard and turn it into a book. It was those four words that prompted me to start orangemoments.org to continue to share my story and my faith with others.  It is what I have learned from them through Bible studies, team meetings, and small get-togethers that has convinced me, I can always do more.

Yesterday I had a doozie of a day and spent my entire morning (7:30 am – 12 pm) at the dentist. Holy cotton-balls! I went in for an exam/x-rays as a new patient since my dentist had closed his office.  They found a small crack in the back of one of my molars and advised, I needed a crown. What!? This was no glorious crown like the one promised me in Heaven! Doh! They were able to fit me in for my cleaning and the crown that morning and so I took care of all it right then and there, but what a long stretch.

I met some wonderful people and one of them made a comment about my orange nails, perfectly matched with my orange cross bracelet of course. “Is orange your favorite color?” she asked. “It is now” I said. I’d been keeping a copy of my book in my car and purse for times when I felt compelled to talk to someone. I told her I’d lost my son 27 months ago. “Orange was his favorite color” I explained. I had a copy of the book in my purse and put it on the counter as I explained what an orange moment was. My new dental friends said they would read it and I asked that they share it in the office. This is one of many amazing conversations the book has prompted me to have about my faith in the last 2 weeks. Some conversations have been started up by co-workers. We get on our conference calls and we knock out our work, all without ever knowing what is going on in each others’ lives. It has been so nice to get to know the personal side of individuals I’ve worked with for years. People have opened up to me just from reading the book’s summary on Linked In or Amazon. It has opened doors and I am walking through them.

I continue to pray to God “What now?” and I still pray for wisdom asking every day “How long, Lord?”

How much more time until He comes back, to rescue us from our pain? What do I do now?

I confirm over and over, I am His servant. I will do what you need me to even though what you’ve asked me to endure is more painful than I can handle. Each time someone asks me about our circumstances, I’m speaking to them about how my faith in God saved me. I am letting my guard down to allow Jesus to speak through me until the day I can stand before Him face to face. I am waiting and listening for God’s direction, trusting His plan, His timing, even when it takes me way outside my comfort zone.

As for a book update, I am now on both Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble  now! The eBook is still to come, along with a marketing trailer to help spread the word. I felt tremendously vulnerable as the book reached the web. Comments, texts and even a few cards/letters continue to come in and I am so gracious for all the kind words, it puts all the evil one’s negative feedback to rest. I’ve asked everyone who has purchased a copy to eventually share it with someone else. My goal with this whole project was reach; reach as many people as I can to allow them to find HOPE in all things through a belief in Jesus and His eternal kingdom.