How is it August?
The weeks and months pass quickly. Days however, do not. 559 days to be exact. I contemplate how each month’s passing brings me one step closer to going home to God, my reunion with Tristan, the end of our sorrow and suffering. I long for it. I’m not yet to the point in my grieving process where I can let go and live fully. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t help waking up in the morning, it just happens. If I had control, I wouldn’t. Wake up that is. My life is not in my control. I live for God’s purpose and I live to care for Wyatt and Colton.
I have moments where I can laugh at something funny. I can jam out to a great song but it’s like a coffee break at work. Eventually you head back to your desk to the mundane tasks. Good days, bad days, dark days. Despite the bad and the dark days, I have gratitude. I am so grateful for Wyatt, my church, my adoration hour on Mondays, online sermons and coffee breaks.
Although our summer weather is nowhere near done, summer vacation is coming to an end. I work full time, so there’s really no “vacation” for me, but I have enjoyed sleeping in a little, not making a lunch every day and having more flexibility with our evenings. What’s nuts is I’m craving the routine I so desperately needed a break from!? Oh yah, she’s crazy. Isn’t that odd how we get to a point where we’re like “I gotta get outta here!” so you book a vacation and jet-set (or drive) somewhere and yet there is this tiny sigh of relief when you return home to your own bed, back to the routine. Maybe that’s just me. I AM a project manager and thrive on structure; routine feels good.
It’s like the conversations I have with my hairdresser, “let’s go lighter this time”, next time it’s, “I’d like to tone down the highlights” followed by, “I’m growing out my layers” and then, “let’s add some volume with layers”. What the? Guys reading this are probably like “What IS she talking about?”.
Ladies, you get it.
It’s being content, then needing change, content, need for change. It’s in those moments I try to recognize I don’t really need change, I need quiet. I need to hear God. I’m convinced when God stirs me up like this, there is no cut or color that’s going to bring me back to content; he’s asking me to work on the inside, not the outside.
When the outside doesn’t feel right, I let it affect the inside. Part of my routine that has slacked is my exercise & massage therapy. I physically feel a difference in my body because I haven’t been exercising as regularly as I should and that impacts my sleep and lack of sleep affects your mood and eating habits and it’s just a nasty hamster wheel to be on. It’s like walking around with my shirt on inside-out all day. I know as Colton goes back to school on Monday and we get back into our routine, I’ll feel better on the inside. Just a matter of choices. How many times have I said “Make good choices”. A daily mantra in our house. Those choices include getting to the gym and putting down the bowl of ice cream!
Our schedule is only about to get busier with homework and Cub Scouts and sports but I will make time for what I need. I know what’s good for me. God’s word shows me what is good for me. I will start there. 1 COR 3:16-17, 1 COR 10:31