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Orange Moments on Amazon

Last week it was official, my book, Orange Moments was made available for order on Amazon. Search by title, Orange Moments, by author or by ISBN number:
978-1644165805 for paperback
978-1644584965 for hardcover

or visit my author page http://www.amazon.com/author/lauraschupbach

eBook to follow

All proceeds from the sale of my book go to the Tristan Schupbach Memorial Fund which benefits WinShape Camps. Trudy Cathy White, fellow author & Chick-fil-A Ambassador (daughter of Chick-fil-A founder, Truett Cathy) wrote the testimony for my book! My dear friend, Mary Lucy Holliday, founder of Sonflower Ministries, wrote my foreword. So thankful to be affiliated with these strong, faith-filled women!

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Into His Likeness

I’m reading a book called “Into His Likeness” by Edward Sri. I love reading books that bring awareness and this book has hit the nail on the head. I love to read, but like many of you that work full time or are busy home-schooling, volunteering, taking care of the laundry, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, cooking, paying bills, etc, time slips away. Trying to catch up and read at night is a challenge for me because I get about a paragraph in and zzzzzzzz. I’d love for this to be the Cliff Notes for those of you that won’t have time to read this book.

Into His Likeness is about living out our lives as disciples of Christ. When Christ was here on earth, his disciples lived with him, ate with him, prayed with him and they would imitate how he lived, helping and serving others. I’ve learned that living like Christ is not easy. It has taken me over 40 years to battle bad habits that come out through my thoughts, words and actions. We are human and for as long as we’re on earth, we are sinners, but I’ve come to realize, I’m not expected to do this on my own. I’ve learned to rely on God in ALL circumstances.

Are you wondering how to rely on God and what that even means?

With me, it all starts with humility. When I stop myself from trying to be perfect, when I realize there is no way one human being could do all that I’m trying to do, I begin to humble myself and recognize, I can’t. I’m not physically or emotionally able, but I remind myself, with God, all things are possible. Matthew 19:26 The author relates being a follower of Christ to one of my favorite sports teams, the Chicago Cubs. I love this! Back when I was living in Chicago, we would refer to those that would give up on the Cubbies as “fair weathered fans”. The dedicated ones would continue to root, root, root for the Cubbies no matter the losses racked up year after year. A commitment to living a life like Jesus’ tells me to stick it out and remember, God’s plans are bigger than mine despite when I feel like I’m on a losing team. A fair-weathered fan of God’s son may choose to walk away, find someone else to root for or someTHING else. How easily we give up and walk away, refusing to believe there is a win in our future.

If you have felt a longing or a tugging at your heart for something different in this life, for a greater sense of purpose, that is your homing device! God has imprinted it on your heart and He has activated it. He is continually calling out to those that have taken a different path. And guess what, even if you left Team Jesus and started rooting for something else like your job, your finances, your relationships, your house, your car, your addiction, whatever it is, you are ALWAYS accepted back.

Are you only following the team that always wins and never has to suffer?

Do you give up the second life becomes challenging or throw in the towel the minute things aren’t going your way? I have, a million times.

I think many of us have said “I give up” after we worked our butts off and didn’t get the promotion, after we spent hours cleaning the house and the dog went running through with muddy feet, after we went back on a promise we made to our loved ones and settled with saying “I just don’t have the time” or fell back into old habits we’d tried to change.

My life for the last 797 days has been an uphill battle, often fighting the losses instead of waiting for the win.  I have stomped up and down like a 5 year old, pounded on the walls, screamed at the top of my lungs and cried a million or more tears and then . . . I put the jersey for Team Jesus back on and try again to surrender all to Him. This book reminds me that as a follower I am to be conformed to his image. Romans 8:29 Conformed means I’m EXPECTED to change and that I am not expected to be perfect not even after 40+ years in practice. Like the disciples who spent 3 years observing Jesus, they had to first learn and then try to live out what Jesus taught them. One thing that has helped me rely on God is to think of Peter. Here is one of Jesus’ closest disciples and he says to his face “I love you, I would NEVER deny you” and then look what he did when someone in the crowd recognized him. How quickly even Peter fell down on his commitment, failed at what he promised himself he would never do. He was forgiven.

Building my relationship with God and doing away with certain habits is much like a diet. Rarely can anyone succeed in giving up sugar, gluten, dairy AND red meat cold-turkey (pun intended). Change our lives to give up judgmental words, gossip, lust, greed, pride, jealousy, laziness, selfishness, all of it together, all at once? Would you go sign up to run a marathon tomorrow without training your body to endure 26 miles? I know I wouldn’t, I couldn’t. Even after all this time, I fall down, but Jesus picks me right back up and says “try again, you’re getting there”. I want to follow 100% but I am a work in process and God is not finished with me. I’m nowhere near the finish line of this race but as I surrender my control and rely on God through scripture, prayer, sermons, the Eurcharist, I know it helps God complete the work He has started in me.

This book talks about the disciples, not as models of perfection, but as models of a process. The disciples were not chosen because they were smarter or more talented than others. Not even close! They were afraid, they misunderstood, doubted, they had shame from their past lives, they made mistakes. What makes us any different? We’re not. We are JUST as much a part of a life-long process, a gradual conforming. If you look at your life, your mistakes, the times you have not done as well as you would have liked to, it’s all a part of the process. We observe, we learn, we begin to put into practice the improvements we commit to, we fail, we start again. We CAN become even more like Christ.

HOW!??

Pray and ask for God’s grace. God’s grace is the supernatural force that allows us to surrender to Him and through his power we become aware of our own faults, we learn to catch ourselves from making the same mistakes, we love another without criticizing their faults, we take a deep breath and find peace in a hurried moment, we find a way to be patient when we might have otherwise lost our cool, we offer our time to help others. Start by praying for God’s grace.

Edward Sri writes how Jesus explained that it is only by dying that we can find true life. “When we die to our self-centered interests, die to our pride, die to our desire for control, die to our lust, die to our own will, we actually discover a richer existence, a life lived for others and for God, a life of love”. Woo! So perfect for Lent. The author suggests multiple ways we can “die to self” which are great additions for the remainder of Lent: wake up a little earlier to have time for prayer, forgive someone who hurt you, hold back your temper, bear an annoying habit of your spouse (this one speaks to me personally), let others be the center of attention, refuse to let ourselves be frustrated or discouraged when something doesn’t go our way, stand up for an unpopular moral truth, praise others and humbly seek to be unnoticed. I’m only 1/2 way through the book so I can bet you’re not done hearing about it from me.

Conform to his likeness as the work in progress that you are.

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Faith: Good Medicine

I recently spent a weekend in the frozen tundra of Illinois. I think it was 17 degrees when we landed. Despite the weather, it was great to see family. It felt like Thanksgiving because I think all I did for 48 hours was eat. Probably an unconscious coping skill when dealing with cold temperatures. . .must have comfort food. Some of my nieces & nephews were sick;  croupy cough, runny noses, oh yah, good stuff. And there’s the whole swarm of bacteria and viruses that live on an airplane’s tray and arm rest full time. Ick! Keep your hand-sanitizer close and your travel-disinfectant-spray closer. Yes, I have a travel size!

My family knows I’ve been a huge advocate of vitamins for the last couple years, specifically Vit C and zinc.  When cold symptoms just barely make an appearance as if to say “get ready, I’m coming in!”, that’s my cue. I live on Zicam and 1000 mg/day of Vit C when it starts. You know that little tickle in your throat, or the feeling you have to sneeze more often than normal, that’s when I start and I take Zicam every few hours for that first day.  This regimen has kept me from getting colds that last 5 days, or worse, turn into sinus infections and/or bronchitis! When you find something that works, you want everyone to experience the same benefits. This is why word-of-mouth is the best advertising there is.

I think of my faith the same way. I want everyone to know scripture for it’s benefits. I want everyone to have faith in Jesus for the hope it provides. I want everyone to feel God’s comforting arms around them when they are going through trials in their life. I have used my faith very much like vitamins & medicine, and it works.

We are now in the Lenten season where we prepare ourselves for the celebration of Easter through self-denial, self-sacrifice or promises to do something. Like vitamins & medicine, these small sacrifices & promises allow us to strengthen our relationship with Christ. I have given up something for lent since I was young. There were many times I used it as a means to diet. I’ll give up french fries and since I’m giving them up, I’ll force myself not to eat them and I’ll lose weight. Added benefit sure, but my mind wasn’t where it should have been.

As I thought about what I’d give up this year, my mind went to rich-tasting foods that I’ve taken for granted. Each time I pass them up I will think of Christ, the sacrifices he made, the strength he had. This is small potatoes compared to what I’ve endured in the last 2 years but it’s still good medicine for my soul. As I continually strive to be a better servant of God in my thoughts, words and actions, this small sacrifice can be used to increase my dialogue with God, thanking Him for the food I DO have when all I have to do is open the pantry or fridge, drive through and poof, a lady hands me a bag filled with hot food, or pop into a store that’s less than a mile from my house FILLED with food. This small sacrifice will increase my prayers for those that do NOT have the abundance, variation or convenience of foods we are so blessed to have.

I do feel blessed. Despite the tremendous loss in my life, I am not physically suffering. I have food, shelter, clothing, warmth, health.  One can be blessed and still suffer emotionally and I do, every day, but I do believe, wholeheartedly, there is purpose in my pain. I will see God face to face and we will discuss this time in my life. He’ll see the path I chose following a tragedy, I hope He is pleased. He’ll see the people I’ve spoken to and although I do not see it now, He will show me the ripple effect.

I’ve changed and I am a different person than I was. It is ALL because of my faith. Growing up changes us. Going through hardship changes us. God still gives us a choice to use our faith as medicine to trust in Him as we cope with changes in our lives. The small sacrifice it takes to give up one of your favorite foods for 40 days is minimal. Will you join me if you haven’t already made a commitment? Each time you pass up that favorite food, stop and say a prayer. Perhaps it prompts you to pray for those less fortunate, those that do not have food. Perhaps you ask God to reveal to you how this small sacrifice could open your heart to a relationship and a dialogue with Him that you didn’t have before. Trust in Him and rely on Him for strength. His love is good medicine for whatever physical or emotional suffering you face. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:2

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Outside my Comfort Zone

I thought when I got through January I’d have some emotional relief, but it hasn’t really happened that way. January was awful with all of its reminders. I told myself, I’ll just see how I feel but you look at the date and you just can’t help remember. I count days, months, now years. February doesn’t have the same connotation but I’ve struggled more than I thought I would. I know my triggers. Usually I can recognize them well in advance, other times it’s after the fact when I’m reflecting on how or why emotions just got the best of me.

The school play was a trigger, during and after. I was asked to help a friend and when Wyatt was asking me, Why are you doing this?, that’s what I told him. A friend asked, I wanted to help her. A part of me also wanted to see Colton and spend time with the kids that he sees every day, get to know some of their parents. The play is one of those things that brings up precious memories of Tristan rehearsing “Scar” for the Lion King or “Hook” for Peter Pan. We ran lines together at home and sang the songs and my heart was swollen with pride for his many talents. So, of course, watching another school play is difficult. Watching parents beaming from seeing their children perform is another gut punch. My talented actor is gone. The pain never goes away.

So here we are approaching mid-February and I feel. . . weary. Wake up, get Colton off to school, go to the gym or the grocery store, work, do laundry, cook, clean, pick up Colton, get to a practice or game, maybe watch something on Netflix, it’s a hamster wheel.  I am thankful for my Monday morning adoration in the chapel, my book club, Sonflower Ministry meetings, impromptu get-togethers with friends and Sunday night movie nights.  I know, this is “life”, filled with mundane responsibilities, peppered with distractions and some good stuff in between. Sounds like a sandwich. Yah, uh, I’ll have the LIFE, hold the mundane, just a sprinkle of distractions and heavy on the good stuff, please.

I thrive on routine yet I crave a change that will help me sustain the next few months and years. Nothing here on earth feels like its enough. We have our moments, but the pain is always lingering there in the back of our minds. Over two years and I still cry nearly every day. I say that because I used to think a woman could judge her well-being based on how many times a month she’d cried. Now, all the women are thinking, When is the last time I cried? 

I’m starting a new job this month which I’m hoping is good change for me. I’ve been in Project Management for a very long time. I’m still with the same company, 24 years now, just made a lateral move. I know I have a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge to contribute but there are some gray areas of the position I know I’ll need help with. It’s a new initiative and I gravitate to the bright, shiny aspect of helping to build a foundation that will be good for the organization and our clients. Change can be good, but it’s walking into some of the unknown that is scary. I look at my life and I say, really, you’re afraid of THIS after everything you’ve been through? Well, not afraid, just a little apprehensive stepping outside my comfort zone. Sometimes when you DO step outside your comfort zone, you realize you were making a fuss over something you were able to do flawlessly. It can be nerve-wracking but once you’ve done it, doing it again is not so bad. Like when I forced my mom to pick me up at O’Hare airport. Not something she’d CHOOSE to do, and probably never wants to do again, but stepping outside your comfort zone is healthy and necessary at times.

Talk about stepping outside my comfort zone, I am soon to release my book which is a tell-all regarding my faith journey and the first full year of navigating my grief. Well, I should clarify, soon is subjective. The publisher said my complimentary copies are 7 weeks away. AFTER that, there is some marketing and then a release date. This March will be a year since I started working with Christian Faith Publishing. I wrote for the first full year, January 2017 through January 2018 then waited until March 2018 to hand in my manuscript. It’s been a long, long process of editing & proofing and a lot of waiting in between. I never would have done the level of editing I’d done had I self-published, so I am thankful for my decision to work with a publisher. I can’t wait for it to be done.

I didn’t write with the intent to publish a book, it was pure therapy. I’ve kept a journal all my life and writing has allowed me to process feelings, say what I want to say without saying it TO someone, prepare what I will say when I have to say it, make a wish, make a plan, make a decision and pray. Some of my prayers are written pleas to God for direction and understanding. A few months ago I wrote an email to Jesus and cc’d God and the Holy Spirit. Gmail couldn’t find the address in my Contacts!? Pffff. Writing means you can get it all out without having to click Send. I’ve done it a lot at work when I wanted to send a wordy letter to a colleague. Get it down on paper, save it as a draft and wait. Chances are you will NEVER send it once you’ve cooled off. Maybe you’ll still send a correspondence, but the time to process allows you to make a change before impact, soften the approach perhaps. If only all of our verbal arguments could be like this, we’d never say half the hurtful things we tend to allow out of our mouths when we’re in an emotional rant. Why is biting our tongue so hard to do?  James 3: 9 explains…With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who are made in God’s likeness.

When it comes to politics, I tend to bite my tongue to stay inside my comfort zone but there is one topic that challenges my ability to stay quiet. The Bible speaks of our final judgement, when every word, every action, every thought and motive is reviewed and I have thought A LOT about this moment over the last 2 years. As a side note, I’ve been reading Driven by Eternity by John Bevere and it’s caused me to take a hard look at my motives, what’s in my heart that truly drives every decision I make, every word out of my mouth. My motive right now, is one of a servant of God. I am clear on the 10 commandments, I understand them and try to follow them every day. Jesus told his disciples the greatest commandment is love. My child brought me more love in 11 years than I could have ever asked for. If someone wanted to drop off a baby at my doorstep, I would care for him or her with an abundance of love. States are making the decision to allow a woman to abort a baby right up until minutes before its birth. I’m doing research. I am honestly trying to understand why a woman would do this so late into the pregnancy if at all.

I know some of the reasons women consider abortion. . .too young to have a child, not enough money to raise a child, you don’t want your body to change, you don’t want your parents to know, you were raped and can’t re-live the pain, the baby has a genetic defect, the baby would be born addicted to drugs, you have a medical condition that would not allow you to carry a child to term. I’ve heard and read many of them. I still don’t understand. When I look at my beautiful boys and have now lost one of them, I don’t understand. There are so many women who can’t get pregnant who would love a child. I know there are many children in foster care. I hate to think there are more babies/children than there are willing adults capable of caring for them. I’m one of those parents who is too afraid to foster a child for fear of loving and then losing them. I can’t go through that pain again, but I still don’t understand the choice to abort a baby. 1,000,000 abortions a year. I am sick to my stomach. God has given us this precious gift and yes, it takes you outside your comfort zone, way outside. As a servant of God, I’m stepping outside my comfort zone and taking a stand on something that is more than just a political issue, this is a moral issue.  I am pro-life and I pray that ALL unborn children are given the same chance at life that our parents gave us.

Heavenly Father,

Help us to be strong when we are weak. Guide our decisions, through the intercession of your Holy Spirit, to do and say things out of love, not fear. Stand by our side when we are too overwhelmed to know what to do and help us to seek your word for comfort and direction when we feel lost and are left standing outside of our comfort zone. May we always be reminded it is YOUR plan, not ours. Your plans are FOR us even when we don’t understand why. When you take us through trials and hardships that feel like we are walking through fire, protect us.

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Christmas Caravan

My last post ended, well, abruptly. I was sitting in a hotel lobby and the team I was working with came down for breakfast so I quickly switched gears and joined them for our morning chat over lukewarm scrambled eggs & potatoes. I was thankful for the distraction that week although evenings were difficult. I’d keep the t.v. on until after I’d fallen asleep and then wake up sometime after midnight to turn it off.

My worst day was Saturday, January 19th. I kept telling myself, maybe I’ll wake up and I’ll be okay, but the calendar reminds you of where you were on that day. It reminds me of how long Tristan has been gone. Two years feels like an eternity, living in anguish every day, carrying on with a wound that will never heal and yet I am taken back to that week two years ago in the blink of an eye. Every moment of all of it still as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday.

This Christmas was our first here in Georgia. We were absolutely miserable last year and didn’t want to put ourselves through that again so we stayed and had family come to us then we flew out to California. The intent was to see the mighty sequoias, however, the government shutdown only allowed us to get so far into the park before we’d hit a gate telling us “sorry folks, parks closed”. There was no moose out front telling us, so we just took our chances. We still got some amazing pictures and the trip allowed us to see friends on the front and back end of our visit. We drove from L.A. to Santa Monica to Valencia to National Sequoia Forest to Yosemite Park (Fish Camp, CA). We spent a morning in Santa Monica and walked out on the pier before heading up to Valencia for my first trip to In and Out Burger! Along our way north we stayed in Visalia which was an adorable town and had beautiful walnut groves. 

We stopped at Tunnel Rock in the National Sequoia Forest to snap a picture of Colton at the top and stopped again to sample the local’s brew at Three Rivers Brewing. As we headed for Yosemite temperatures dropped.

Taken from the car, this pic doesn’t do it justice.

We stayed at the somewhat secluded Tenaya Lodge with the biggest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen inside a hotel lobby. We took a 5 mile hike at about 20 degrees out to a waterfall and back before continuing our trip up and around the top end of the Sierras. I can’t even explain how amazing this drive was. Long and winding, but majestic. I pictured the master artist creating all of the mountains for us to enjoy for years and years. After just over 6 hours we made it to Mammoth Lakes, CA. It was ffffffffffrrrrrrreeeeeeezing at night in Mammoth (about 11 degrees) but they have a great village with lots of restaurants. Many had long wait times so we ate wherever we didn’t have to wait and and ended up at a Hawaiian bar & grill. Good enough, let’s eat! Wyatt & Colton enjoyed a full day of snow-boarding the next day while I went to the spa, sat by the fire reading and watched a movie.

New Years Eve was low key. I’d called a month in advance and thankfully got a dinner reservation, at 5:15 pm. Ha! The place was packed and the food was great and unbeknownst to me, the restaurant was a block from our hotel so we walked. We joined other hotel guests who had decided to order take-out and sit by the fire in the lobby. Wyatt & Colton played a game of pool and I think we were in bed by 9 pm. Wyatt & Colton were absolutely exhausted from snow-boarding, well, Wyatt was exhausted and a little sore. We figured, it’s midnight in Atlanta, so Happy New Year. Zzzzzzzzzz

We were up early New Years Day to head back down to L.A. and visited with Wyatt’s cousin and our friends in Huntington Beach. Another great town with tons of shopping and restaurants. I’d love to go back when it’s warm. We flew home on the 2nd. I wanted to be home for Tristan’s birthday on the 3rd. He would have been 13 years old. I’d have a teenager. That was a difficult day too. All of January just sucks. It’s not like the rest of the year is good though; I still cry, a lot, not every day but most days and I’m moody and easily frustrated. Thankfully I have the best husband in the world who gets it. Most days I just feel. . . . numb. Awake but not alive.

The book is taking longer than I’d expected. Every change goes back into the queue and I wait 3 weeks. I found an issue with the cover on the 2nd round of proofing so I’m waiting. I’ve been saying “coming soon” for a while now and I’d hoped to have it out before Christmas and then I just gave up on the deadline I’d only set for myself. So February? Maybe even March. March would make sense, they told me it could be up to a year when we started. #waiting

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Distract, Distract, Distract

My first post from Chicago. I am in town for work and thankful for meetings to distract me from the thoughts that keep creeping into my head more often than anyone else knows. Yesterday was 2 years since Tristan’s accident. On the outside, I’m calm. If I looked stressed, most might think it’s the project, but inside I am stomping on the ground like a 2 year old wanting to scream “I don’t CARE, I just want to be at home with Wyatt & Colton!”. I received many texts and emails from people whose thoughtfulness amazes me every day. A dear friend & neighbor brought us dinner on what would have been Tristan’s birthday (Jan 3) and another brought dinner this Sunday. They are all so good to us, still, two years later.

Despite my mental anguish, I have many friends dealing with the failing health of their parents. My oldest friend in life has been by her mom’s side since before Christmas, hanging on every word doctor’s say, supporting her Dad and brother, doing her best to keep up with her job. I’ve said several prayers as her mom was like my 2nd mom for MANY years. I’ve asked the Lord to comfort her as she heals through a physical trial. This woman. I’ve learned so much from her about thoughtfulness throughout my life. She was the one that NEVER, EVER forgot a birthday and STILL sends cards. She knows someone EVERYWHERE she goes and her personality is magnetic. You want to just sit and talk for hours and tell stories and that’s what I love about every time we get together. Our visits became few and far between after we moved to GA, but we always tried to at least keep them annual when we came home for the holidays. A lovely lady with a heart of gold and a family that is MY family. I ask the Lord to give her strength to heal, comfort for the family as they wait and peace that surpasses understanding because God’s got this. As I’ve said before, everything we see here is temporary.

This will be a short post so I’ll have to come back and recap on how we distracted ourselves through Christmas this year (a trip through California, up and over the Sierra Nevadas). These meetings this week, another distraction to get through a portion of January. January, you stink, let’s just get to February, please.

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Waiting for the Win

As I start typing this morning, the song playing in the background of my kitchen is “I’m waiting on you, Lord, though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait”.

We spend a lot of our time waiting, don’t we? This time of year, we might spend a little extra time waiting in lines as we fill our carts with Christmas plunder, hoping the gift we’ve picked out will be sure to bring joy to its recipient. If you’re a parent, you’re familiar with the period of waiting; waiting to become pregnant or adopt, waiting for the day your child will arrive. If you’re a homeowner, you’ve experienced a much-awaited closing date. Maybe the waiting was done studying hard to achieve a degree or working long hours for the one day you’d achieve that promotion you’ve patiently earned.

This period of waiting for Christmas is Advent and it’s a time of preparation while we wait. We not only await the birth of Jesus, but His second coming as well. I had the pleasure of teaching the kiddos at my church about Advent a few weeks ago on the first Sunday of Advent. It can be difficult to treat all “waiting” as excited anticipation like we have for Christmas day. If only all the waiting could be exciting like an upcoming trip you’ve planned for months or the day that increased salary kicks in.

I will serve you while I’m waiting. I will worship while I’m waiting.

Waiting is not easy. My career has been based on making plans to work our way to a finish line while I coach those who are waiting, ensuring them of the date when we’ll be done, mentoring & encouraging when the date gets pushed out and the waiting grows longer. I feel like the rest of my life will be spent waiting; waiting for the pain to stop.  I try to focus on what I’m waiting for and not the waiting itself. Nearly impossible.

The holidays are so difficult because of the memories we have of better times. Everyone else seems happy and inside I’m begging God to come get us. Let this waiting finally be over. Nearly two years of asking Why?, trying to be patient, waiting for the wisdom I so desperately pray for, pushing back the dark. I look around and there are only a select few that really get me and really understand this pain.  Every day I say “I can’t do this.” Every day it’s my belief in God that allows me to carry on and continue waiting another day. One more day closer to the time when the pain will finally be gone. This morning I read in Jesus Calling “For our light, momentary affliction is ever and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory (beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!)” 2 COR 4:17

I literally can’t wait.

Have you ever been waiting only to encounter someone who decides the rules don’t apply to them? Oh yah, you know the ones. They decide that they can do whatever they want and still win. How do you figure? It’s like a coach telling his basketball team, “Boys, get out there and play but don’t worry about making the shot, you’ll still win.”

“But coach, I thought we had to make baskets to win the game?”

“Oh no, I decided we get to win no matter what. And that ref, pay no attention to him. Just go out there and do whatever you want and you’ll still win”.        Huh? 

A few months ago I was put in a position where God had me witness to what I’d call a partial-believer. There is belief in God that created heaven, earth & the life on it, but not a belief in the rules for salvation.  I believe in God, but I don’t believe I’m going to suffer eternal damnation just because I don’t believe Jesus was who he says he was.  Maybe it was just coincidence Jesus showed up hundreds of years after Isaiah and the prophets had predicted the Messiah’s coming and fulfilled what scripture predicted. Not just one prophecy, ALL of them. AND He performed miracles the most scholarly Pharisees of that time couldn’t explain.

Was it all a hoax or magic? Coincidence? Luck? How could you explain the healing of the blind, the deaf, lepers? Feeding thousands, raising the dead? Jesus’ own resurrection. Maybe Jesus had the help of many to just maneuver his life to perfectly match up with everything that had been written hundreds of years before his birth? How could he have arranged his ancestry as predicted, his birthplace, his method of execution (predicted before crucifixion even existed), his miracles? There were witnesses, thousands of people.  He drew crowds of people, non-believers who had to see to believe and those who knew if they could just touch the hem of His garment. . . Then it was written down and Jesus sent His best out on the road to spread the word. The New Testament has all the proof you need to believe God sent Jesus, His Son, to fulfill Old Testament prophecies, to establish a new covenant and give you ONE rule to follow to win big.

I made a statement the other day and Wyatt didn’t believe me. He had to Google it only to prove me right. I’ll take my gold star now. Sometimes it takes a little work to research an answer and gain knowledge of something you didn’t know before. You can go on living as if you get to make the rules and still win, but I invite you to read Isaiah 7:14 where he revealed the Messiah’s birth (of a virgin), Micah 5:1 referencing the messiah’s birth in Bethlehem, Jeremiah 23:5 calling out His ancestry from David, the Gospels documenting Jesus’ predictions of his own death & resurrection. He gives them the new playbook to win the kingdom of Heaven available to all who believe. Best Christmas Gift Ever.

 

 

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Cover to Cover

It’s official, I have read the Bible, cover to cover, in less than 22 months.

I’ve been a Catholic all my life. I went to Catholic grade school and have attended Sunday mass all my life except for a stint while I was away at school (no excuse). With a Catholic education and all the readings in mass, surely I’d read all of it in my 40+ years, but never cover to cover, sequentially, from page 1 to page 1,394 (per my NAB version). Every last word.

When I started, I made a point to not count Sunday readings, my Bible studies or daily devotionals (since it wasn’t part of my sequential reading). For example, I read James over and over for a Bible study but told myself, when I get to James, I will read it again.  As I listened to sermons and looked up the scripture reference, I would not only read the verse, but the chapter, maybe a few pages as part of my daily devotional, but again, told myself, this doesn’t count toward my Bible-in-two-years reading plan. If anything, it only enhanced the experience.

I have “supplemented” my reading with mass, Bible studies, team meetings and retreats, online sermons, Jesus Calling and other Christian books & movies. I have been like a sponge.  There is not one emotion I’ve felt that is not represented in this book. I have re-connected. I’ve been re-united. I’ve re-ignited in my faith. I am renewed in Christ.

Throughout our grieving, Wyatt and I have said we could not have survived without our faith. Why? Because of HOPE. I dove into scripture looking for answers and I have found them. When trials and hardships come your way, you have a choice; lean into God, find the purpose in your pain or rely on worldly things. Like empty calories, worldly things quickly lead to starvation mode again and again. I chose to lean into God and in doing so, I have put my full trust in Him, no matter the circumstance.

There is no amount of money, no vacation, no amount of shopping, re-decorating, eating, drinking, no promotion, not even a relationship here on earth that can fill you up the way the Bible can. It speaks truth about our past, it is an instructional manual for our present and it defines our future.

My prayer for you today is you can find a quiet spot and read (or listen); any page, any chapter, any verse. Pause after a bit and digest what you’ve read. Let the Holy Spirit speak to you in that silence. God’s word is abounding in comfort, insight and encouragement! When someone finds a successful nutrition plan, a toothpaste that whitens whiter or an app that saves time, we share it because “it works, it really works!” When you love someone, you want them to receive the same benefits you’ve experienced. I want everyone I know to have the knowledge I have which has come from the Bible. Teach me wisdom and knowledge, for in your commands, I trust. Before I was afflicted I went astray but now I hold to your promise. Psalm 119: 66-67

 

 

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What’s on Your Mind?

I feel like I’ve written several blog posts in my head over the last few weeks but didn’t find the time to sit down and physically write until now! There was a time in my life I would journal every night. I watched my journaling dwindle from daily entries to weekly, then monthly, then several months at a time. I’d backtrack using my calendar as a reminder of what we did from one week to the next. I picked up this habit from my aunt many, many years ago.  She used to write down just a little bit about the day on her calendar that hung in the kitchen and I started doing it. It has always helped me remember when I last had lunch with a friend, last visited family, when certain meetings or events took place.

I’m so thankful for my journals. There’s a season of my life I’ve gone back and read about and can see how miserable I was in my late 20’s. Then the season of meeting Wyatt, having my boys and the life we built. What a tremendous change in my faith and overall happiness.  Those pages are filled with all the things we did; details I would have surely forgotten. Little things like trips to the store, the park, how I was managing work stress, how we spent our weekends, funny things the boys said, etc.

I’ve been writing for so many years. Every time I had something on my mind, something I was wrestling with, I would write it out. I’ve penned letters I never intended to send but found therapy in just writing out what I would say in the moment. This has been a great exercise when emotions can elbow rational thoughts out of the way and make you say things you regret later. I’ve coached my team to do this without ever sending that e-mail. Write it out, say what you want to say, then save the draft and revisit it in the morning. Chances are it never gets sent. With a clear mind an argument never starts and letting go of whatever got you all stirred up in the first place is usually the best action plan.

Over the last 22 months, I’ve been writing in my Bible. I’d never underlined and written in the margins of my Bible before. I underline in books and would underline and write in my Jesus Calling (daily devotional) over the last several years, just not in the Bible, which was silly.  I’ve found writing in my Bible has enhanced my daily conversation with God, underlining the scripture that spoke to me that day, making a point to show God “this one, this scripture, this one is powerful and I see how it relates to my life, I get it!”.

I’ve been doing that with Killing Kryptonite by John Bevere. I will not be lending this copy out with all my personal notes and comments so you’ll have to buy this one for yourself. The book has offered a powerful transformation of my mind. Additionally, I’ve been listening to Dr. Caroline Leaf, a Christian neuroscientist. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, SO THAT you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Nothing has transformed my mind more than being a part of Sonflower Ministries. I’m still on a spiritual high from this weekend up in the north Georgia mountains. Powerful testimonies, letting go of toxic thoughts, replacing them with scripture and inspiration, making new friends, it was just amazing. This was my 2nd time serving and I had the opportunity to speak briefly on perseverance . . . my perseverance. I continue to say suffering is suffering is suffering and whether it’s physical pain or emotional pain, we all bleed the same. Financial struggles, stressful jobs, addiction, abuse, divorce, grief, overwhelming responsibilities, shame you can’t let go of, all of it requires perseverance and my belief in Jesus is HOW I persevere every day. It’s through my faith that I battle for control of my mind. The enemy places thoughts there, lies and deception, and he works hard every day to bring me down.  The enemy may have power, but we have power AND authority from God. Satan has zero authority over your life. God has made us in His image as beautiful, intelligent beings connected to Him through our soul (our mind, will and emotions).

My prayer for you today is that you find the power through God’s word to transform your mind and take your thoughts captive 2 COR 10:5. Dr. Caroline Leaf says “whatever you are thinking about the most will grow”. Let your thoughts dwell on God’s word to grow a relationship with Him! YOU are in control of your thoughts so take them captive and transform your mind.

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Migration of the Monarch Butterflies

This weekend I walked out to head down to the lake and saw an orange butterfly near me, then another. I stopped to watch them both for a minute even putting my hand out just for a second or two to see if one of them might land and then a third showed up, then a fourth. All four, bright orange, beautiful. I don’t know what to think of it, I mean, I wonder, does God let souls who have passed visit us? Could they be angels? Or maybe just beautiful butterflies created by the master artist.

I often have experiences like this with birds. Last week I was working at the kitchen counter and for two days in a row I had feathered visitors. A bright red cardinal landed on the skinny ledge of my window pane, not the window sill, the inside of the window where there is barely 1/2″ of ledge and pecked on the window. I see cardinals all the time. This one stayed there for a bit; so unusual because I’ve NEVER seen a bird land there. The next day a woodpecker did the same thing, landing on the skinny little ledge, pecking on the window to get my attention. Again, maybe they just see their reflection in the window and it’s nothing, but I often wonder if the birds are angels watching over us.

There is a “bird story” in my book you’ll have to check out; one I have never been able to explain. Sidebar.. . . . . the book is in typesetting with my publisher now and I have ISBN numbers for both hard-cover and soft-cover. Once I approve the typesetting/page layout, we move into cover design, then marketing and production of samples, so I’d say Feb/Mar before we’re done.

I have a perspective of nature that I didn’t have before. It brings me to thoughts of God’s creation and I believe that is intentional. Nature reminds us of the amazing landscape God has created. He wants us to look at the trees and plants and animals and realize, it’s all been given to us.  He has given us a copy of Heaven on earth to remind us of our real home.

I had been doing some research for a trip we are planning to take to California just after Christmas and began reading about the monarch butterflies that migrate to Pismo Beach, CA in the winter. They have this genetic homing device and go to the SAME place every winter. It is pretty fascinating when you think about it, but here’s what’s even more fascinating . . . no butterfly makes the round trip. Although the migration does extend the life of a butterfly from something like 6 weeks to 6 months, the females lay eggs and future generations complete the migration. I think I read 4 generations are involved in an annual cycle. So, it’s not like the elders are teaching the young ones “this is where we go and this is how we get there”; they haven’t been taught, they just know. How could anyone say there is not a creator when you look at everything around you? It’s all too perfect in its design.

I feel much like these butterflies that just know where HOME is. God has imprinted it on my soul and I continually say “there is something much bigger going on here”. Although every single day is filled with anguish, I hang onto the hope of going home one day, where my belief in Jesus grants me an eternal life, where I will be under His protection, I will see Tristan, I will no longer be in pain. I’ve always believed Jesus was my savior and the reason I could be forgiven for my sin with repentance and still go to Heaven. I didn’t always think about Heaven like this. Sometimes God allows things to happen to open our eyes, like a father that disciplines for the good of His children. I read in Galatians 2 “I have been crucified with Christ yet I live no longer”. I wrote in the margin “the old me is dead”. Before Tristan died, my focus was always on the future. . . moving my career up the ladder to make more money to retire early, always planning out our future, the boys’ future. Now I try to focus more on today because today could be the last day.

Do the butterflies know? Do they know that in all their preparation to migrate to a warmer climate to save themselves and extend their life that they will not make it back to wherever it is they came from? Maybe they know they aren’t coming back and the only goal is to make it through the trip. Persevere, do whatever it takes, but just get through it.

Every trial and every hardship is placed in front of you for a reason and there is a lesson learned in getting through. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has allowed this in our lives to prepare us and to prepare you for the trip HOME.

What has happened has changed us. Our faith is deeper, our belief is stronger, our ultimate goal is crystal clear. The pain we feel will never go away. 630 days of emotional turmoil. And if you think I’m okay because it’s been almost 2 years, I’m not. I still cry almost every day, six out of seven days mostly. No one sees the worst of it. Many don’t even ask how I’m doing any more. Life just keeps moving at the same pace for everyone else, but our days go by in slow motion, painstakingly slow, and so we wait, we wait to go home, but we live out whatever it is God has planned for us, finding purpose in our pain. Please don’t wait. Don’t wait for something bad to happen to change you. Seek out God, go to church to hear the word of God, read the Bible, PRAY, sin less, serve more. Let God inhabit all our moments, gracing us through our thoughts, word and actions with one another until we are home.