Category: Managing Grief

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Don’t Let the Door Hit ‘Ya

And finally, the last day of January. It was among my first thoughts this morning. As the alarm went off, I thought “what day is it? It’s Friday, it’s the LAST day of this month”. See ya January, don’t let the door hit ‘ya . . .

My next thought was of Tristan and recent orange moments I’ve had. I thought of my dear friend, experiencing her son’s heavenly birthday today and another friend who is about to go through the same. They both have painful months ahead and mine is finally behind me. Bereaved parents club – we always remember two days, our son’s birthdays and the day they went home. Even with the month behind me, it’s not like the rest of the year suddenly becomes joy-filled. I still struggle, a lot, mostly in the quiet of my own home.

Colton is now the same height Tristan was when he left this world, hitting the middle of my nose. We measured Colton recently and he’s grown an inch in the last 6 months! Woah! Fifth grade is full of so much activity as we are in the home stretch of elementary school, about to embark upon another school play.  Colton is the “Wizard” in the Wizard of Oz and the memories flood in as I run lines with him, just like I’d done with Tristan two years in a row. With the flurry of activity, we are making some changes and yesterday was Colton’s last day in the after-school program. I’d promised him he could start taking the bus home every day with drama club rehearsals wrapping up (same promise I gave to Tristan). I cried on the way to Bible study last night thinking I won’t walk into the cafeteria multiple times a week to see Tristan’s heart-shaped memorial up on the wall. As we were about to leave, we had a chance meeting with a teacher we’ve known for years through the after-school program; a woman Tristan and Colton have always adored and loved. We said a quick “goodbye” right in front of Tristan’s memorial knowing we’ll still see each other here and there, at church,  on Facebook. Now that I think about it, that wasn’t just chance running into her on that last day. That was an orange moment.

Speaking of orange moments, I still have them, some profound and others small occasions, like a little whisper, just enough to make me take a deep breath in. When we were snowmobiling in WI over the holidays, we rented two sleds. The one I was riding had the number 14 stuck to the windshield. It’s easy to say it’s just a coincidence, but I can’t keep saying that. I see that number and it’s instantly a sign. I went for a walk with a friend and the sky was the most unbelievable orange that morning. I still have birds tapping the window and the last time we visited the cemetery on Tristan’s birthday, there was a hawk resting on a low branch in a tree right next to the road leading out of the cemetery. It was so close, so much so I yelled out to Wyatt “stop, look at that!” He stopped the car for me to just take it in. A close friend always talks about a hawk that circled the 5th grade ceremony the day Tristan’s classmates graduated. I’m always fascinated when I see one close up like we did at the cemetery. Normally you only catch a glimpse of them swooping by, so it was peaceful to see it just sitting on the branch for a moment and in close proximity to recognize details.

I have orange moments that aren’t necessarily mysterious coincidences, rather, times to pause and remember Tristan, like a co-volunteer giving me 3 orange roses and leaving the rest of the bouquet in front of the Blessed Mother at our church. Then there are the cards, texts, lunch/dinner, plants, flowers and small tokens from friends that filled my January. There is my wind chime outside that I barely ever hear, but when I do,  its music makes me think of Tristan. I’m three years out and I still cannot believe this life is my truth. Between these moments, I constantly repeat, this can’t be true.

When I woke up this morning, I thought about our Bible study discussion and the scripture that spoke to blessings amidst pain and suffering. So many can speak of joyful feelings having overcome some awful situation. I feel like I will carry my suffering forever, never turning into a over-comer, always “stuck” in the middle of that valley shadowed by death. When I’ve asked why God allowed this, I’ve received an answer – so that you can know Him. Here’s the thing, I thought I knew God, but it had become somewhat of a surface level relationship. I was going to church, I’d done the retreats, tithing, praying, but now, I REALLY know Him.

Most would say “I’d rather not lose my child to get to know God”. Yah, no duh, me too.  Do you think Jesus wanted to DIE to get people to get to know His father? He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, praying it could be another way, but willing to accept the sacrifice God knew He would have to make.   Here’s my revelation.  This wasn’t just for ME to know Him better because obviously Tristan’s death affected many, so the answer has become more clear. The answer to “Why did God allow this?” is so that MANY could get to know Him better. Maybe that means it’s just the 3 of us, but I venture to think this includes my family, close friends, neighbors, parents at school & in sports with us, co-workers, Facebook connections, acquaintances, strangers who have received a Pay it Forward, CRHP ladies & families in my parish, boys who went to WinShape Camp, Sonflower sisters, Orange Moments readers. I’ve been in the garden too, I’ve prayed for this cup to go to someone else.

God knew. He knew the ripple effect would reach many.

If you’re reading this and you want to draw closer to God, but are not sure where to start, I encourage you to start with God’s word. There are so many Bible options now, some with journal pages or author notes in the margins. I have both a Jesus Calling and a Bible (YouVersion) app on my phone in addition to a Bible I’ve had for 14 years. There are MULTIPLE Bible-reading plans addressing a specific need (i.e. grief, despair, worry, etc) or question you may have. Some are very brief devotionals and others are longer, but I guarantee there is a plan (if not many) that will suit you. If reading or having your phone read TO you is not your thing, there are MULTIPLE Bible-based movies recapping the Gospels, Jesus’ passion or the apostle Paul’s missions.

Netflix > Search > Jesus

And don’t forget the Google machine’s power to connect us with an endless number of sermons. I’ve listened to THOUSANDS. They are all discussing the same book, but we have so many options available to find a speaker who suits you best. . . Man or woman, old or young, monotone delivery or RAISE THE ROOF kinda worship. It’s all out there. Then there is music. Music has been an enormous part of my relationship with God, listening to artists turn scripture into lyrics. Powerful stuff there. If you’re in Atlanta, tune to 104.7 The Fish. It’s always on in my car. Lastly, volunteering and giving back has done done wonderful things to deepen my relationship with God. We are an extension of God’s love for all of His children and when you show that love to others, their appreciation and gratefulness fills your cup. It’s literally contagious.

Although I’m relieved to see January in my rear view mirror, I’ll fill my cup back up and bring focus to February so I can continue to share my faith, finding purpose in my pain. I thank God for morning clarity and look forward to the next eye-opening experience my Bible has in store for me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Forgiveness

This Sunday we read from the Gospel of Luke remembering Jesus’ teaching on getting into Heaven. This is a topic I am personally VERY interested in because I know THIS place is only temporary.  We spend a significant amount of time investing in our lives here on earth through relationships, school, careers, our home, retirement, etc, however, there is no better investment we can make in this life than our faith in God. Luke’s Gospel speaks of a very narrow door, one which Jesus stated many will not get through. Psst. . .The width of this door is a metaphor, God is not telling you to eat less carbs. Many will try to get in, EXPECT to get in, but He may say “sorry, not on the list”. Can you even imagine? The thought of getting through this life and hearing “and you are?” would terrify me. Read more about the path to Heaven here.

In addition to my faith, which confirms Jesus as the son of God, I also believe God forgives my sins. This is precisely why Jesus was sent to live out a life on earth as one of us. Jesus taught His chosen disciples about living for God’s kingdom, proved He was the son of God over and over again through miracles then died as a sacrifice, an atonement, for you and for me and then rose from the dead as He had told His disciples He would. Instead of sacrificing a lamb, as was the Hebrew tradition for forgiveness, HE was the sacrifice. It was His blood that was shed. He accepted the accusations and the wrongful punishment as a sacrifice to say we are worthy of God’s forgiveness. He died for OUR sins, not His; sins people had committed and sins to be committed. He died so we could be forgiven even though we deserve the worst.

When I refer to “sins”, I’m speaking to the original ten commandments God instructed His people to follow. Only ten. I strive and I struggle to follow all of them, every day. God knows we are all sinners. Thankfully, He doesn’t expect perfection, only love and adoration.

Here’s a refresher on Exodus 20:

  1. You shall have no other Gods before me
  2. You shall not make for yourselves an idol
  3. You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy
  5. Honor your father and your mother
  6. You shall not murder
  7. You shall not commit adultery
  8. You shall not steal
  9. You shall not give false testimony (do not lie)
  10. You shall not covet

I’m Catholic and my church keeps a card outside the confessional to help conduct an examination of conscience prior to confession. I keep one pinned to our bulletin board at home for frequent reminders. I like it because it presses further, relating these commandments to my every day life, asking questions like. . .

Did you use foul language?

Have you entertained feelings of envy?

Have you had lustful thoughts?

Have you put other areas of your life, like your job, above God?

Have you gossiped or harmed anyone emotionally?

When it comes to making it through the narrow door, there is only one shot, one judgement; eternal damnation or eternal paradise. I know which one I’m striving for.

God forgives me over and over again. I’ve come to be so thankful for the thousands of second chances He’s given me. His forgiveness strengthens my trust in His plan but there are times when I try to take the wheel, completely steering off track from God’s plan. When that happens, the devil steps in and starts to press my buttons, stirring up emotions. My faith in God tells me to let go and give Him the control, but that’s the thing about trusting in God, you have to LET HIM DRIVE.

Some time ago someone told me they knew my grief because they had experienced grief through the loss of a parent. I was so mad. I literally said in my head “Do people honestly think losing their mom or dad as an adult registers at the same level of pain that is accompanied with losing a child!? I’ve spent 2.5 years swimming in pain every single day! Are they still crouched down on the floor of the shower bawling their eyes out a few times a week over the loss of mom or dad years later? Do they think of the emptiness this life now represents, every day, multiple times a day? Are there days they would rather die than live because mom or dad is gone?” This glimpse into my mind is not how I feel at every moment, but it sure was how I felt in THAT moment. Oh, I was mad. My transparency in exposing my thoughts can be harsh, but it’s just a moment of weakness and I hope my brutal honesty can help someone else in my shoes realize they are not alone in those thoughts.  I’d completely steered off the road but God was like “I’ll be right here when you’re done ranting, Laura”.

Emotions have a way of ramping up if we let them and I let it roll. I even texted a friend in the same boat as me. She relates to my emotions 100% because she’s lived it. We know people just don’t get it, and how could they know this pain if they hadn’t lived it? Then I shared my emotions with my husband. I often think the Holy Spirit fills him with the right thing to say at the right time and that’s why I am so grateful to be married to such a faith-filled man. Wyatt reminded me, “They don’t know, Laura, all they know is what THEY have lived”.  I said, “So, why do people tell me they know what I’m going through!?” He said, “Laura, they are just trying to comfort, they don’t know, but, think about it . . . if we can sit here and ask God to forgive us for every sin we’ve done (big and small), don’t you think we should be as quick to forgive others for the small things?” Reality check, back on God’s path, Jesus at the wheel.

Here I was condemning someone when I should have let it go as quickly as I expect God to forgive & forget everything I’ve said throughout my life when my words may have been just as hurtful to others! Jesus asked God to forgive his executioners “for they know not what they do”.  What a wonderful lesson. I have to remember to quickly let go of anger when it creeps in. The more I focus on God’s word, serving God, worshiping Him, the less I allow the anger to control my path, but when it happens, I know God forgives this too. 

The Act of Contrition

My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong, and failing to do good. I have sinned against You whom I should love above ALL things. I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us. In His name, my God, have mercy. Amen

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The Latter Days

It’s been just over a month since my last post. Work has become busier but we’ve also made a point to spend our weekends on the lake and have had many visitors this summer. I’ve often said I feel like I’m running a B&B, washing sheets & towels over and over and over again, but it means we have lots of family & friends that want to spend time with us. We’ve spent many weekend mornings up early, on the water when it’s like glass so Colton can wakeboard without disruption. He’s getting REALLY good.

Wow! Now that’s high!

Another great thing about downtime at the lake is my morning coffee. It’s the best feeling to wake up and grab that first cup (there will be another) and just stare out the window. Toward the end of June I decided to start re-reading the Bible and I tend to listen/read when I first wake up or during the aforementioned coffee routine. YouVersion is such a great app with many different options for getting into the word of God. Download it if you don’t have it!! I chose a plan to read the Bible in historical sequence based on my hubby’s recommendation. It started with Genesis (obviously) then Job and Exodus. I’m curious to see how it will bounce around when I get to the new testament gospels, repeating some of the same stories that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each lived during their time with Christ.

Summer has gone by quickly, especially now that we only have 2 weeks left before Colton goes back to school (Aug 12). He had a wonderful time at Camp WinShape , Camp Woodlands (both in Cleveland, GA), Nike basketball camps, and Thunder Road music studios. We so enjoyed watching him play in a band at a local restaurant to show off their hard work!

The weeks without a scheduled camp, like this week and the next two, are difficult for him. He says “I have no one to play with”. I hate to hear that. I hate that God has left this precious boy without his best friend and brother. As I read/listened to the book of Job, I kept thinking, if I was as faithful through my suffering as Job, perhaps God would bless us again?

The Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than in the beginning. Job 42: 12

It’s been 2-1/2 years without Tristan and I cannot see a time in this earthly life where we will ever feel more blessed than we were from Jan 2006 to Jan 2017. I am still suffering through every day and even if it looks like I’m doing okay (laughing, engaged in conversation, smiling for a picture) it’s a moment. At some point when I get alone, I feel the gut punch that brings me right back to my reality reminding me of what I’m missing. Every weekend at the lake is a distraction, work is a distraction. Nothing has changed in 2-1/2 years except that I can say what happened out loud without breaking down. Great, what good does that do? People may think, “that’s good, you’re doing better!” No, not really. I’m just comfortably numb. It is still the first thing I think about every morning when I wake and every evening before I drift off to sleep.

How can this be how things turned out?

Why did this happen, Lord?

How long, Lord? How long do we have to live with this?

Those questions are on repeat, looping through my brain, over and over every single day, when I’m awake AND when I’m asleep.

Colton is going into 5th grade this year. Tristan never finished the 5th grade. I feel like I’m stepping into a dark abyss, this area of life I should have already experienced. I’ve watched friends who have already experienced 5th grade graduation with their kids, started middle school and are now about to start 8th grade and I feel like I’ve been left behind, like I should still be there with those moms, with those experiences under my belt. I can’t talk about what middle school math is like because I don’t know. I can’t talk about what the social scene at school is like for teenagers because I don’t know. I hate it. I can’t even comprehend what it will feel like this November when Colton turns 11. It is so awkward that he will soon be the same age as Tristan. Will he be the same height as Tristan with the top of his head reaching the middle of my nose? Sometimes I hear Tristan when Colton talks and I do a double-take. For one split second I think , was it all just a bad dream?

I’ve had many orange sunsets, visits from orange butterflies, constant taps on the window from birds and sweet moments where I know my words have had an impact but it’s never enough and I’m sorry, Lord. It’s hard to be grateful for what I have when what I had was so much better but I try every day. Every day I start over and I ask God to help me through the day, to show me the purpose in my pain.

How long was it for Job, how long between the tragedy in his life and his next blessing? How many days until he got to the “latter days”? The Bible says he lived 140 years AFTER and saw his sons and grandsons, but how long did he suffer prior? All the times in the past when I read Job, it felt quick; God blessed him, what, maybe a few months later? Maybe he endured 10 or 20 years suffering!? I pray for patience and wait on you, Lord. I only see my salvation as the “next blessing” and that feels like an eternity away. I’m thankful this life is temporary and every day that passes is one more day closer to celebrating an eternity in God’s kingdom and being reunited with Tristan. #waiting

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Christmas Caravan

My last post ended, well, abruptly. I was sitting in a hotel lobby and the team I was working with came down for breakfast so I quickly switched gears and joined them for our morning chat over lukewarm scrambled eggs & potatoes. I was thankful for the distraction that week although evenings were difficult. I’d keep the t.v. on until after I’d fallen asleep and then wake up sometime after midnight to turn it off.

My worst day was Saturday, January 19th. I kept telling myself, maybe I’ll wake up and I’ll be okay, but the calendar reminds you of where you were on that day. It reminds me of how long Tristan has been gone. Two years feels like an eternity, living in anguish every day, carrying on with a wound that will never heal and yet I am taken back to that week two years ago in the blink of an eye. Every moment of all of it still as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday.

This Christmas was our first here in Georgia. We were absolutely miserable last year and didn’t want to put ourselves through that again so we stayed and had family come to us then we flew out to California. The intent was to see the mighty sequoias, however, the government shutdown only allowed us to get so far into the park before we’d hit a gate telling us “sorry folks, parks closed”. There was no moose out front telling us, so we just took our chances. We still got some amazing pictures and the trip allowed us to see friends on the front and back end of our visit. We drove from L.A. to Santa Monica to Valencia to National Sequoia Forest to Yosemite Park (Fish Camp, CA). We spent a morning in Santa Monica and walked out on the pier before heading up to Valencia for my first trip to In and Out Burger! Along our way north we stayed in Visalia which was an adorable town and had beautiful walnut groves. 

We stopped at Tunnel Rock in the National Sequoia Forest to snap a picture of Colton at the top and stopped again to sample the local’s brew at Three Rivers Brewing. As we headed for Yosemite temperatures dropped.

Taken from the car, this pic doesn’t do it justice.

We stayed at the somewhat secluded Tenaya Lodge with the biggest Christmas tree I’ve ever seen inside a hotel lobby. We took a 5 mile hike at about 20 degrees out to a waterfall and back before continuing our trip up and around the top end of the Sierras. I can’t even explain how amazing this drive was. Long and winding, but majestic. I pictured the master artist creating all of the mountains for us to enjoy for years and years. After just over 6 hours we made it to Mammoth Lakes, CA. It was ffffffffffrrrrrrreeeeeeezing at night in Mammoth (about 11 degrees) but they have a great village with lots of restaurants. Many had long wait times so we ate wherever we didn’t have to wait and and ended up at a Hawaiian bar & grill. Good enough, let’s eat! Wyatt & Colton enjoyed a full day of snow-boarding the next day while I went to the spa, sat by the fire reading and watched a movie.

New Years Eve was low key. I’d called a month in advance and thankfully got a dinner reservation, at 5:15 pm. Ha! The place was packed and the food was great and unbeknownst to me, the restaurant was a block from our hotel so we walked. We joined other hotel guests who had decided to order take-out and sit by the fire in the lobby. Wyatt & Colton played a game of pool and I think we were in bed by 9 pm. Wyatt & Colton were absolutely exhausted from snow-boarding, well, Wyatt was exhausted and a little sore. We figured, it’s midnight in Atlanta, so Happy New Year. Zzzzzzzzzz

We were up early New Years Day to head back down to L.A. and visited with Wyatt’s cousin and our friends in Huntington Beach. Another great town with tons of shopping and restaurants. I’d love to go back when it’s warm. We flew home on the 2nd. I wanted to be home for Tristan’s birthday on the 3rd. He would have been 13 years old. I’d have a teenager. That was a difficult day too. All of January just sucks. It’s not like the rest of the year is good though; I still cry, a lot, not every day but most days and I’m moody and easily frustrated. Thankfully I have the best husband in the world who gets it. Most days I just feel. . . . numb. Awake but not alive.

The book is taking longer than I’d expected. Every change goes back into the queue and I wait 3 weeks. I found an issue with the cover on the 2nd round of proofing so I’m waiting. I’ve been saying “coming soon” for a while now and I’d hoped to have it out before Christmas and then I just gave up on the deadline I’d only set for myself. So February? Maybe even March. March would make sense, they told me it could be up to a year when we started. #waiting

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Migration of the Monarch Butterflies

This weekend I walked out to head down to the lake and saw an orange butterfly near me, then another. I stopped to watch them both for a minute even putting my hand out just for a second or two to see if one of them might land and then a third showed up, then a fourth. All four, bright orange, beautiful. I don’t know what to think of it, I mean, I wonder, does God let souls who have passed visit us? Could they be angels? Or maybe just beautiful butterflies created by the master artist.

I often have experiences like this with birds. Last week I was working at the kitchen counter and for two days in a row I had feathered visitors. A bright red cardinal landed on the skinny ledge of my window pane, not the window sill, the inside of the window where there is barely 1/2″ of ledge and pecked on the window. I see cardinals all the time. This one stayed there for a bit; so unusual because I’ve NEVER seen a bird land there. The next day a woodpecker did the same thing, landing on the skinny little ledge, pecking on the window to get my attention. Again, maybe they just see their reflection in the window and it’s nothing, but I often wonder if the birds are angels watching over us.

There is a “bird story” in my book you’ll have to check out; one I have never been able to explain. Sidebar.. . . . . the book is in typesetting with my publisher now and I have ISBN numbers for both hard-cover and soft-cover. Once I approve the typesetting/page layout, we move into cover design, then marketing and production of samples, so I’d say Feb/Mar before we’re done.

I have a perspective of nature that I didn’t have before. It brings me to thoughts of God’s creation and I believe that is intentional. Nature reminds us of the amazing landscape God has created. He wants us to look at the trees and plants and animals and realize, it’s all been given to us.  He has given us a copy of Heaven on earth to remind us of our real home.

I had been doing some research for a trip we are planning to take to California just after Christmas and began reading about the monarch butterflies that migrate to Pismo Beach, CA in the winter. They have this genetic homing device and go to the SAME place every winter. It is pretty fascinating when you think about it, but here’s what’s even more fascinating . . . no butterfly makes the round trip. Although the migration does extend the life of a butterfly from something like 6 weeks to 6 months, the females lay eggs and future generations complete the migration. I think I read 4 generations are involved in an annual cycle. So, it’s not like the elders are teaching the young ones “this is where we go and this is how we get there”; they haven’t been taught, they just know. How could anyone say there is not a creator when you look at everything around you? It’s all too perfect in its design.

I feel much like these butterflies that just know where HOME is. God has imprinted it on my soul and I continually say “there is something much bigger going on here”. Although every single day is filled with anguish, I hang onto the hope of going home one day, where my belief in Jesus grants me an eternal life, where I will be under His protection, I will see Tristan, I will no longer be in pain. I’ve always believed Jesus was my savior and the reason I could be forgiven for my sin with repentance and still go to Heaven. I didn’t always think about Heaven like this. Sometimes God allows things to happen to open our eyes, like a father that disciplines for the good of His children. I read in Galatians 2 “I have been crucified with Christ yet I live no longer”. I wrote in the margin “the old me is dead”. Before Tristan died, my focus was always on the future. . . moving my career up the ladder to make more money to retire early, always planning out our future, the boys’ future. Now I try to focus more on today because today could be the last day.

Do the butterflies know? Do they know that in all their preparation to migrate to a warmer climate to save themselves and extend their life that they will not make it back to wherever it is they came from? Maybe they know they aren’t coming back and the only goal is to make it through the trip. Persevere, do whatever it takes, but just get through it.

Every trial and every hardship is placed in front of you for a reason and there is a lesson learned in getting through. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has allowed this in our lives to prepare us and to prepare you for the trip HOME.

What has happened has changed us. Our faith is deeper, our belief is stronger, our ultimate goal is crystal clear. The pain we feel will never go away. 630 days of emotional turmoil. And if you think I’m okay because it’s been almost 2 years, I’m not. I still cry almost every day, six out of seven days mostly. No one sees the worst of it. Many don’t even ask how I’m doing any more. Life just keeps moving at the same pace for everyone else, but our days go by in slow motion, painstakingly slow, and so we wait, we wait to go home, but we live out whatever it is God has planned for us, finding purpose in our pain. Please don’t wait. Don’t wait for something bad to happen to change you. Seek out God, go to church to hear the word of God, read the Bible, PRAY, sin less, serve more. Let God inhabit all our moments, gracing us through our thoughts, word and actions with one another until we are home.

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Before / After

The month of May is behind us and I find my thoughts replaying many milestones from this month.

In November, I’d attended a retreat hosted by Sonflower Ministries with over 25 years experience catering to women of ALL walks of life. In every case, these women are searching; searching for an answer, for some direction, a glimpse of hope, a relationship with God, a miracle, you name it. I would LOVE for anyone interested to contact me to learn more about the retreat.

What a very special weekend it was for me to be on the other side serving. The theme was even “Anchor of HOPE”. If that isn’t a sign. I couldn’t dream of NOT spending my time giving back to the wonderful men and women that serve this great cause and I attended a 6-month Bible study (my choice) with the founder and monthly meetings (required) to prepare myself to host the retreat with the team May 4-6. It was a powerful weekend for me, serving women who had experienced grief, like me, or a loss of another kind. Some never had a loss like mine, but had experienced abuse, neglect, divorce, addiction. Whether it was far behind them in a past they cannot forget or part of their present day, suffering is suffering no matter what form it comes in. Our founder recognizes, there are women looking for answers. I know I was! At these spiritual retreats, many women come searching for an answer. The only answer to grief, loss, sorrow, loneliness or feelings of hopelessness is Jesus Christ!

After such a wonderful weekend, I was set to spend a few days in Chicago for work and reconnect with employees. Some I hadn’t seen in years, others in months. Well, the morning I was set to fly out, I was on the phone and distracted getting out of my car and I slammed my thumb in the car door. You want to talk about pain. I was on a conference call and literally did a silent scream and fumbled to go on mute. I bawled my eyes out. I mean, I wailed.

For 16-1/2 months I’ve thanked God that my pain is not physical. I recognize we are not suffering from physical pain even though my pain and stress did manifest itself. Well, let me tell you, slamming your thumb in the car door is extremely painful. The physical pain triggered emotions that just poured out. All the while I’m still on mute. I was able to return to the call, advised the two ladies on the other line what happened and rescheduled. The flight that afternoon was brutal. I was crawling out of my skin with pain but was able to get a cup of ice. When my thumb wasn’t on ice, I couldn’t bear it. The swelling was intense, the blood had nowhere to go. My thumbnail is black. Isn’t that lovely? 

Wyatt was traveling throughout April and May and for a month, we only saw each other 4 days. When he’s gone, I have trouble sleeping. Netflix gets a lot of use at night. When you can’t sleep, the wheels start churning. I constantly ask, “How is this my life?” For anyone that’s been through a monumental situation, there is this line drawn. If you’ve been there, you know every thought you have is either before that moment in time or after.

When I got married, I might have said “before, when I was single”.  Once we had children, it was “before kids” when we’d talk about how we used to be able to just stop and eat at that new restaurant or pack up our things and head out for a weekend adventure. For some the “before” line in the sand is a life you used to have and everything from that moment on is different . . . before the accident, before I lost my job, before the surgery, before cancer struck, before my life was turned upside down and I was left feeling empty.

I’ve reconciled that some people just get their blessings first. Most people live their whole lives striving to be happy thinking “once I reach this next level, then I’ll really be happy”. Once I get that promotion, once I get married, once I lose weight, once I have a baby, once we’re in the new house, once I get through this, that or the other.  My “before” was perfect and my “after” is not. Instead of trying to build up to happy, we had it from the moment we met. We got our blessings first. There was nothing missing.

We are doing our best, relying on our faith to carry us through. People say “I don’t know how you do it”. My faith is how. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has a purpose for what He allows, for the path He has us on. That is what keeps me going. Knowing my eternity is how I’m still “doing it”.  I live with anticipation for when my true AFTER begins. Maybe we weren’t meant to be truly happy in this life so that we could realize the longing we have is not for things or a better job or a bigger house but for Christ. Before, I wasn’t thinking that way. Now that I am, I think God is like “now we’re getting somewhere”. Ultimately, whether you’re sitting in a before situation, stuck in the middle or in the aftermath, you’re right where God wants you to be.

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One Way

Have you ever made the mistake of going down a one-way street? I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and when I moved to the city, I became accustomed to one-way streets. Before you’d even look for the sign, you just knew based on how the cars were parked.  Chicago, such fond memories of driving round and round for 30 minutes to find street parking.

If you’ve ever made the mistake of going down a one-way street or landing in the X  on one of those reversible lanes, panic can come over you . Ohmigosh, am I going the?  I’M GOING THE WRONG WAY!!  You either frantically look for the nearest side street  or driveway so you can get yourself right or (if you’re out of harm’s way) you give passersby  the ‘ol wave, “I know, sorry”, and they give you the you’re-doing-it-wrong look and you still get to where you’re going.  Whether we do it right the first time or panic when we make mistakes, the right path is always there.

I look at my life the same way and man, have I made a lot of wrong turns. What keeps us from making wrong turns in our lives? If you listen for that one voice it’s telling you.  Sometimes it’s a still small voice, maybe it’s booming voice telling you “No, not this way”. A few other voices might say the same. Your parents, your teachers, your mentors, coaches, whoever had an influence in how you were raised may ring through your head, not this way. You might even tell yourself you know right from wrong but the influence of others can bring you down the wrong path if you’re not mindful of it. I’m so thankful that despite all my wrong turns, God is there lighting the right path.

The path we tend to choose is the easy way (duh!) and often God says, no, we’re going to take the challenging road. Why? Why does everything have to be hard? How can THIS be the right way, Lord?  It’s uphill, there are speed bumps that would take out a tire and I can’t even see the road ahead it’s so dark.  And yet still, it’s the ONLY way.  Every athlete that made it to the Olympics took the hard way. Every business owner that’s leveraged their last penny took the hard way. Every student that’s been accepted into college worked hard.  Life is hard. We work hard, study hard, because we know the kinds of results we can achieve with patience and perseverance.

God works with us the same way and He is ever so patient.  You may not be going for a gold medal, a million units sold or a Harvard degree, but God has a reward for us and He patiently waits for us to receive it. It’s not just about saying “I’ll follow wherever the Lord leads me”.  Yes, saying it can give you the power to surrender to Him, but it’s more than that.  It’s about BELIEVING that where He leads us, despite how hard it is, there is a reward.  If you’re familiar with the Bible, you know it’s divided into 2 sections, the Old and the New Testament. When God sent Jesus, he made a new covenant with us.  Page Break, start a new chapter, New Testament. Now this is the way.

When we think about our path to Heaven, it can be a winding road, lots of speed bumps, steep valleys and uphill climbs, but there can be a long stretch where you can see clearly. Regardless of how we get there, getting there is what’s important. There is only ONE way.  New Testament, new covenant, God sent His son to show the world, eternity is ours. You don’t have to earn it. Jesus took the hit. He said we are worth saving. He died to take on our sin and all the sins we haven’t even committed yet and we get to go to Heaven because we believe He IS the Messiah. That’s it.

But what about being a good person? “Good person”, what does that even mean? Good meaning they don’t litter or steal? Good meaning they let you go in front of them in the checkout if you only have 1 item. Some people think good is not murdering someone but they cheat on their spouse, lie to their family. I ponder this question a lot. I don’t want to see “good” people miss out on Heaven!

I believe the Bible. I believe the historical account of Jesus’ life, the words He spoke, and the miracles He performed to prove to people that He was not just a man, not just a prophet. His disciples carried His message to their graves. I could see if crowds of people came out to see Jesus and He didn’t cure the blind and the sick or turn water into wine or feed 5,000 people with a loaf of bread and 2 fish. THAT would get around. Dude – I checked him out and He’s a great speaker, but . . .  That’s not the case. News of Jesus’ miracles spread like wildfire and then the biggest miracle of them all, He rose from the dead.

Holy Week is upon us and tonight represents Jesus’ last supper with His disciples. He lived and traveled with them for 3 years. He proved to them He was the son of God and then took His place in Heaven.  He taught them there is only ONE way to Heaven.  He was given the type of death sentence reserved for murderers, rapists and thieves. Can you even imagine? Pilate even said “he’s done nothing wrong” and the high priests said “crucify him!” They chose to return a convicted murderer back onto their streets to remove Jesus to please Ceasar, please others, and keep their lofty positions. Not good people.

There are many good things that we can do to make this life not so hard on each other, and those acts are pleasing to God, but when it comes to the life that follows after this one; the more colorful, vibrant life without sorrow, tears or death (or stealing or littering), there’s only one way to get there. Easter is upon us and as Christians, we celebrate our Messiah. Despite the sorrow of Jesus’ death, we know the reward.  I love Jesus and I picture the day I will meet Him with great anticipation.

My life feels much like the disciples’ Saturday. They’ve just lost Jesus on Friday but they don’t yet see what’s coming on Sunday. Saturday is awful, it’s sad and despair sets in. They can’t think straight. They don’t understand. They don’t remember what Jesus said. They haven’t yet connected all the dots. Then Sunday comes. I’m still living out that kind of a Saturday every day, but I already know what they didn’t know. He is Risen.

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Test or Trial?

I’m currently participating  in a Bible study (with some fabulous faith-filled women) on the book of James and we’ve spent some time talking about tests and trials in our lives. We’ve all had them, big or small. I’ve started to question, is every trial a test? Do hardships come that are just that, a trial, a hardship, without a test tied to it? James begins with the words “when you have many kinds of trouble, you should be full of joy because you know that these troubles test your faith and this will give you patience”. Consider it all joy? I have struggled with that a LOT in the last 13 months. How could I ever consider this joy?? I just don’t. For the record, I still cry, every single day. It doesn’t matter that a year has gone by, the grief comes in like a wave and knocks me down. Getting back up when you’ve been pummeled by waves is pretty challenging when you’re tired, out of breath and soaked. Got the visual now?

And so I ponder, is this a trial I’m facing or a test? With each hardship, is God waiting to see if we’ll get back up and ready our stance for the next wave? Does it please God to know that I keep getting back up, wave after crashing wave? I think it does. As difficult as it is to consider this “joy”, I do have hope and my hope comes from my belief in God. I know I am a child of God, I am loved by God. He knows me inside and out. I know He’s got me. I do not believe God created our hardship.  He gave us all free will and as a result, mistakes happen, accidents happen. When those circumstances happen, God steps in as our great comforter, healer and provider. Perhaps that’s when the test begins. How are you going to manage this hardship in your life? I associate it with situations at work. Mistakes happen and when we do get over the hump, far enough to look back and reflect, was it all the blame and shame and fear and anger that got you through it or was it good leadership, knowledge, experience, perseverance?

I fully believe God allows circumstances to happen to refine us, to purify us. I can tell you I have grown closer to God having been broken down and re-built with a new perspective. How does one measure closeness to God? For me, it’s a relationship and like every healthy relationship, you need to spend time together, so part of how I know I’ve grown closer is in the time I spend with God. I’ve increased the time I’m in conversation with God, giving Him thanks and praise, praying for others, praying for us (Wyatt, Colton & I). I spend more time participating in the sacrament of mass, more time reading the Bible, listening to sermons, finding opportunities to serve others. My faith has reached others and that brings me closer to God too. My inner dialogue has changed and I find myself saying “His plan, not yours, Laura” over and over again as I relinquish control.

If God has chosen to test me with this trial, I’d say I’m probably at a C+, okay maybe a B-.  I know how to earn an A, it’s all right there in the Bible, but we are sinners and we sin over and over again. I bring all I do that is displeasing to God and ask forgiveness and He says, start over, tomorrow is a new day. I dwell on past sins and He says drop it already, we’ve been over this. I start over and I sin again; maybe it’s a judgmental thought or a curse word, maybe its envy that others aren’t facing a hardship like mine, or I lose my patience for no good reason. I do it over and over again, getting a little better over time, but every time, He says I’m worth the forgiveness He provides. Maybe we don’t have to have a trial to be tested. Maybe our lives are one big test but we get to retake it every time we fail. Like the lawyer that had to take the bar 3 or 4 times before he passed, God gives us a clean sheet of paper every day and says try again. Once you’re a lawyer or a doctor or a CPA, that’s it, you don’t print on your business card how many times it took you to get there, right?

I think what James meant when he said “consider it all joy” was all about attitude. How do you approach your hardships? Finding the joy or the blessing in a hardship isn’t going to come easy and it isn’t going to come fast. As James said “troubles will give you patience”. How I wish I had an answer, how desperately I want to see the blessing unfold as God sees it, like turning to the last page of the book to see how it ends without taking the time to read the story.  May the Lord help us to grow patient as we wait for our story to unfold.