Category: Faith

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Outside my Comfort Zone

I thought when I got through January I’d have some emotional relief, but it hasn’t really happened that way. January was awful with all of its reminders. I told myself, I’ll just see how I feel but you look at the date and you just can’t help remember. I count days, months, now years. February doesn’t have the same connotation but I’ve struggled more than I thought I would. I know my triggers. Usually I can recognize them well in advance, other times it’s after the fact when I’m reflecting on how or why emotions just got the best of me.

The school play was a trigger, during and after. I was asked to help a friend and when Wyatt was asking me, Why are you doing this?, that’s what I told him. A friend asked, I wanted to help her. A part of me also wanted to see Colton and spend time with the kids that he sees every day, get to know some of their parents. The play is one of those things that brings up precious memories of Tristan rehearsing “Scar” for the Lion King or “Hook” for Peter Pan. We ran lines together at home and sang the songs and my heart was swollen with pride for his many talents. So, of course, watching another school play is difficult. Watching parents beaming from seeing their children perform is another gut punch. My talented actor is gone. The pain never goes away.

So here we are approaching mid-February and I feel. . . weary. Wake up, get Colton off to school, go to the gym or the grocery store, work, do laundry, cook, clean, pick up Colton, get to a practice or game, maybe watch something on Netflix, it’s a hamster wheel.  I am thankful for my Monday morning adoration in the chapel, my book club, Sonflower Ministry meetings, impromptu get-togethers with friends and Sunday night movie nights.  I know, this is “life”, filled with mundane responsibilities, peppered with distractions and some good stuff in between. Sounds like a sandwich. Yah, uh, I’ll have the LIFE, hold the mundane, just a sprinkle of distractions and heavy on the good stuff, please.

I thrive on routine yet I crave a change that will help me sustain the next few months and years. Nothing here on earth feels like its enough. We have our moments, but the pain is always lingering there in the back of our minds. Over two years and I still cry nearly every day. I say that because I used to think a woman could judge her well-being based on how many times a month she’d cried. Now, all the women are thinking, When is the last time I cried? 

I’m starting a new job this month which I’m hoping is good change for me. I’ve been in Project Management for a very long time. I’m still with the same company, 24 years now, just made a lateral move. I know I have a tremendous amount of experience and knowledge to contribute but there are some gray areas of the position I know I’ll need help with. It’s a new initiative and I gravitate to the bright, shiny aspect of helping to build a foundation that will be good for the organization and our clients. Change can be good, but it’s walking into some of the unknown that is scary. I look at my life and I say, really, you’re afraid of THIS after everything you’ve been through? Well, not afraid, just a little apprehensive stepping outside my comfort zone. Sometimes when you DO step outside your comfort zone, you realize you were making a fuss over something you were able to do flawlessly. It can be nerve-wracking but once you’ve done it, doing it again is not so bad. Like when I forced my mom to pick me up at O’Hare airport. Not something she’d CHOOSE to do, and probably never wants to do again, but stepping outside your comfort zone is healthy and necessary at times.

Talk about stepping outside my comfort zone, I am soon to release my book which is a tell-all regarding my faith journey and the first full year of navigating my grief. Well, I should clarify, soon is subjective. The publisher said my complimentary copies are 7 weeks away. AFTER that, there is some marketing and then a release date. This March will be a year since I started working with Christian Faith Publishing. I wrote for the first full year, January 2017 through January 2018 then waited until March 2018 to hand in my manuscript. It’s been a long, long process of editing & proofing and a lot of waiting in between. I never would have done the level of editing I’d done had I self-published, so I am thankful for my decision to work with a publisher. I can’t wait for it to be done.

I didn’t write with the intent to publish a book, it was pure therapy. I’ve kept a journal all my life and writing has allowed me to process feelings, say what I want to say without saying it TO someone, prepare what I will say when I have to say it, make a wish, make a plan, make a decision and pray. Some of my prayers are written pleas to God for direction and understanding. A few months ago I wrote an email to Jesus and cc’d God and the Holy Spirit. Gmail couldn’t find the address in my Contacts!? Pffff. Writing means you can get it all out without having to click Send. I’ve done it a lot at work when I wanted to send a wordy letter to a colleague. Get it down on paper, save it as a draft and wait. Chances are you will NEVER send it once you’ve cooled off. Maybe you’ll still send a correspondence, but the time to process allows you to make a change before impact, soften the approach perhaps. If only all of our verbal arguments could be like this, we’d never say half the hurtful things we tend to allow out of our mouths when we’re in an emotional rant. Why is biting our tongue so hard to do?  James 3: 9 explains…With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men who are made in God’s likeness.

When it comes to politics, I tend to bite my tongue to stay inside my comfort zone but there is one topic that challenges my ability to stay quiet. The Bible speaks of our final judgement, when every word, every action, every thought and motive is reviewed and I have thought A LOT about this moment over the last 2 years. As a side note, I’ve been reading Driven by Eternity by John Bevere and it’s caused me to take a hard look at my motives, what’s in my heart that truly drives every decision I make, every word out of my mouth. My motive right now, is one of a servant of God. I am clear on the 10 commandments, I understand them and try to follow them every day. Jesus told his disciples the greatest commandment is love. My child brought me more love in 11 years than I could have ever asked for. If someone wanted to drop off a baby at my doorstep, I would care for him or her with an abundance of love. States are making the decision to allow a woman to abort a baby right up until minutes before its birth. I’m doing research. I am honestly trying to understand why a woman would do this so late into the pregnancy if at all.

I know some of the reasons women consider abortion. . .too young to have a child, not enough money to raise a child, you don’t want your body to change, you don’t want your parents to know, you were raped and can’t re-live the pain, the baby has a genetic defect, the baby would be born addicted to drugs, you have a medical condition that would not allow you to carry a child to term. I’ve heard and read many of them. I still don’t understand. When I look at my beautiful boys and have now lost one of them, I don’t understand. There are so many women who can’t get pregnant who would love a child. I know there are many children in foster care. I hate to think there are more babies/children than there are willing adults capable of caring for them. I’m one of those parents who is too afraid to foster a child for fear of loving and then losing them. I can’t go through that pain again, but I still don’t understand the choice to abort a baby. 1,000,000 abortions a year. I am sick to my stomach. God has given us this precious gift and yes, it takes you outside your comfort zone, way outside. As a servant of God, I’m stepping outside my comfort zone and taking a stand on something that is more than just a political issue, this is a moral issue.  I am pro-life and I pray that ALL unborn children are given the same chance at life that our parents gave us.

Heavenly Father,

Help us to be strong when we are weak. Guide our decisions, through the intercession of your Holy Spirit, to do and say things out of love, not fear. Stand by our side when we are too overwhelmed to know what to do and help us to seek your word for comfort and direction when we feel lost and are left standing outside of our comfort zone. May we always be reminded it is YOUR plan, not ours. Your plans are FOR us even when we don’t understand why. When you take us through trials and hardships that feel like we are walking through fire, protect us.

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Distract, Distract, Distract

My first post from Chicago. I am in town for work and thankful for meetings to distract me from the thoughts that keep creeping into my head more often than anyone else knows. Yesterday was 2 years since Tristan’s accident. On the outside, I’m calm. If I looked stressed, most might think it’s the project, but inside I am stomping on the ground like a 2 year old wanting to scream “I don’t CARE, I just want to be at home with Wyatt & Colton!”. I received many texts and emails from people whose thoughtfulness amazes me every day. A dear friend & neighbor brought us dinner on what would have been Tristan’s birthday (Jan 3) and another brought dinner this Sunday. They are all so good to us, still, two years later.

Despite my mental anguish, I have many friends dealing with the failing health of their parents. My oldest friend in life has been by her mom’s side since before Christmas, hanging on every word doctor’s say, supporting her Dad and brother, doing her best to keep up with her job. I’ve said several prayers as her mom was like my 2nd mom for MANY years. I’ve asked the Lord to comfort her as she heals through a physical trial. This woman. I’ve learned so much from her about thoughtfulness throughout my life. She was the one that NEVER, EVER forgot a birthday and STILL sends cards. She knows someone EVERYWHERE she goes and her personality is magnetic. You want to just sit and talk for hours and tell stories and that’s what I love about every time we get together. Our visits became few and far between after we moved to GA, but we always tried to at least keep them annual when we came home for the holidays. A lovely lady with a heart of gold and a family that is MY family. I ask the Lord to give her strength to heal, comfort for the family as they wait and peace that surpasses understanding because God’s got this. As I’ve said before, everything we see here is temporary.

This will be a short post so I’ll have to come back and recap on how we distracted ourselves through Christmas this year (a trip through California, up and over the Sierra Nevadas). These meetings this week, another distraction to get through a portion of January. January, you stink, let’s just get to February, please.

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Waiting for the Win

As I start typing this morning, the song playing in the background of my kitchen is “I’m waiting on you, Lord, though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait”.

We spend a lot of our time waiting, don’t we? This time of year, we might spend a little extra time waiting in lines as we fill our carts with Christmas plunder, hoping the gift we’ve picked out will be sure to bring joy to its recipient. If you’re a parent, you’re familiar with the period of waiting; waiting to become pregnant or adopt, waiting for the day your child will arrive. If you’re a homeowner, you’ve experienced a much-awaited closing date. Maybe the waiting was done studying hard to achieve a degree or working long hours for the one day you’d achieve that promotion you’ve patiently earned.

This period of waiting for Christmas is Advent and it’s a time of preparation while we wait. We not only await the birth of Jesus, but His second coming as well. I had the pleasure of teaching the kiddos at my church about Advent a few weeks ago on the first Sunday of Advent. It can be difficult to treat all “waiting” as excited anticipation like we have for Christmas day. If only all the waiting could be exciting like an upcoming trip you’ve planned for months or the day that increased salary kicks in.

I will serve you while I’m waiting. I will worship while I’m waiting.

Waiting is not easy. My career has been based on making plans to work our way to a finish line while I coach those who are waiting, ensuring them of the date when we’ll be done, mentoring & encouraging when the date gets pushed out and the waiting grows longer. I feel like the rest of my life will be spent waiting; waiting for the pain to stop.  I try to focus on what I’m waiting for and not the waiting itself. Nearly impossible.

The holidays are so difficult because of the memories we have of better times. Everyone else seems happy and inside I’m begging God to come get us. Let this waiting finally be over. Nearly two years of asking Why?, trying to be patient, waiting for the wisdom I so desperately pray for, pushing back the dark. I look around and there are only a select few that really get me and really understand this pain.  Every day I say “I can’t do this.” Every day it’s my belief in God that allows me to carry on and continue waiting another day. One more day closer to the time when the pain will finally be gone. This morning I read in Jesus Calling “For our light, momentary affliction is ever and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory (beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!)” 2 COR 4:17

I literally can’t wait.

Have you ever been waiting only to encounter someone who decides the rules don’t apply to them? Oh yah, you know the ones. They decide that they can do whatever they want and still win. How do you figure? It’s like a coach telling his basketball team, “Boys, get out there and play but don’t worry about making the shot, you’ll still win.”

“But coach, I thought we had to make baskets to win the game?”

“Oh no, I decided we get to win no matter what. And that ref, pay no attention to him. Just go out there and do whatever you want and you’ll still win”.        Huh? 

A few months ago I was put in a position where God had me witness to what I’d call a partial-believer. There is belief in God that created heaven, earth & the life on it, but not a belief in the rules for salvation.  I believe in God, but I don’t believe I’m going to suffer eternal damnation just because I don’t believe Jesus was who he says he was.  Maybe it was just coincidence Jesus showed up hundreds of years after Isaiah and the prophets had predicted the Messiah’s coming and fulfilled what scripture predicted. Not just one prophecy, ALL of them. AND He performed miracles the most scholarly Pharisees of that time couldn’t explain.

Was it all a hoax or magic? Coincidence? Luck? How could you explain the healing of the blind, the deaf, lepers? Feeding thousands, raising the dead? Jesus’ own resurrection. Maybe Jesus had the help of many to just maneuver his life to perfectly match up with everything that had been written hundreds of years before his birth? How could he have arranged his ancestry as predicted, his birthplace, his method of execution (predicted before crucifixion even existed), his miracles? There were witnesses, thousands of people.  He drew crowds of people, non-believers who had to see to believe and those who knew if they could just touch the hem of His garment. . . Then it was written down and Jesus sent His best out on the road to spread the word. The New Testament has all the proof you need to believe God sent Jesus, His Son, to fulfill Old Testament prophecies, to establish a new covenant and give you ONE rule to follow to win big.

I made a statement the other day and Wyatt didn’t believe me. He had to Google it only to prove me right. I’ll take my gold star now. Sometimes it takes a little work to research an answer and gain knowledge of something you didn’t know before. You can go on living as if you get to make the rules and still win, but I invite you to read Isaiah 7:14 where he revealed the Messiah’s birth (of a virgin), Micah 5:1 referencing the messiah’s birth in Bethlehem, Jeremiah 23:5 calling out His ancestry from David, the Gospels documenting Jesus’ predictions of his own death & resurrection. He gives them the new playbook to win the kingdom of Heaven available to all who believe. Best Christmas Gift Ever.

 

 

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Cover to Cover

It’s official, I have read the Bible, cover to cover, in less than 22 months.

I’ve been a Catholic all my life. I went to Catholic grade school and have attended Sunday mass all my life except for a stint while I was away at school (no excuse). With a Catholic education and all the readings in mass, surely I’d read all of it in my 40+ years, but never cover to cover, sequentially, from page 1 to page 1,394 (per my NAB version). Every last word.

When I started, I made a point to not count Sunday readings, my Bible studies or daily devotionals (since it wasn’t part of my sequential reading). For example, I read James over and over for a Bible study but told myself, when I get to James, I will read it again.  As I listened to sermons and looked up the scripture reference, I would not only read the verse, but the chapter, maybe a few pages as part of my daily devotional, but again, told myself, this doesn’t count toward my Bible-in-two-years reading plan. If anything, it only enhanced the experience.

I have “supplemented” my reading with mass, Bible studies, team meetings and retreats, online sermons, Jesus Calling and other Christian books & movies. I have been like a sponge.  There is not one emotion I’ve felt that is not represented in this book. I have re-connected. I’ve been re-united. I’ve re-ignited in my faith. I am renewed in Christ.

Throughout our grieving, Wyatt and I have said we could not have survived without our faith. Why? Because of HOPE. I dove into scripture looking for answers and I have found them. When trials and hardships come your way, you have a choice; lean into God, find the purpose in your pain or rely on worldly things. Like empty calories, worldly things quickly lead to starvation mode again and again. I chose to lean into God and in doing so, I have put my full trust in Him, no matter the circumstance.

There is no amount of money, no vacation, no amount of shopping, re-decorating, eating, drinking, no promotion, not even a relationship here on earth that can fill you up the way the Bible can. It speaks truth about our past, it is an instructional manual for our present and it defines our future.

My prayer for you today is you can find a quiet spot and read (or listen); any page, any chapter, any verse. Pause after a bit and digest what you’ve read. Let the Holy Spirit speak to you in that silence. God’s word is abounding in comfort, insight and encouragement! When someone finds a successful nutrition plan, a toothpaste that whitens whiter or an app that saves time, we share it because “it works, it really works!” When you love someone, you want them to receive the same benefits you’ve experienced. I want everyone I know to have the knowledge I have which has come from the Bible. Teach me wisdom and knowledge, for in your commands, I trust. Before I was afflicted I went astray but now I hold to your promise. Psalm 119: 66-67

 

 

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What’s on Your Mind?

I feel like I’ve written several blog posts in my head over the last few weeks but didn’t find the time to sit down and physically write until now! There was a time in my life I would journal every night. I watched my journaling dwindle from daily entries to weekly, then monthly, then several months at a time. I’d backtrack using my calendar as a reminder of what we did from one week to the next. I picked up this habit from my aunt many, many years ago.  She used to write down just a little bit about the day on her calendar that hung in the kitchen and I started doing it. It has always helped me remember when I last had lunch with a friend, last visited family, when certain meetings or events took place.

I’m so thankful for my journals. There’s a season of my life I’ve gone back and read about and can see how miserable I was in my late 20’s. Then the season of meeting Wyatt, having my boys and the life we built. What a tremendous change in my faith and overall happiness.  Those pages are filled with all the things we did; details I would have surely forgotten. Little things like trips to the store, the park, how I was managing work stress, how we spent our weekends, funny things the boys said, etc.

I’ve been writing for so many years. Every time I had something on my mind, something I was wrestling with, I would write it out. I’ve penned letters I never intended to send but found therapy in just writing out what I would say in the moment. This has been a great exercise when emotions can elbow rational thoughts out of the way and make you say things you regret later. I’ve coached my team to do this without ever sending that e-mail. Write it out, say what you want to say, then save the draft and revisit it in the morning. Chances are it never gets sent. With a clear mind an argument never starts and letting go of whatever got you all stirred up in the first place is usually the best action plan.

Over the last 22 months, I’ve been writing in my Bible. I’d never underlined and written in the margins of my Bible before. I underline in books and would underline and write in my Jesus Calling (daily devotional) over the last several years, just not in the Bible, which was silly.  I’ve found writing in my Bible has enhanced my daily conversation with God, underlining the scripture that spoke to me that day, making a point to show God “this one, this scripture, this one is powerful and I see how it relates to my life, I get it!”.

I’ve been doing that with Killing Kryptonite by John Bevere. I will not be lending this copy out with all my personal notes and comments so you’ll have to buy this one for yourself. The book has offered a powerful transformation of my mind. Additionally, I’ve been listening to Dr. Caroline Leaf, a Christian neuroscientist. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, SO THAT you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Nothing has transformed my mind more than being a part of Sonflower Ministries. I’m still on a spiritual high from this weekend up in the north Georgia mountains. Powerful testimonies, letting go of toxic thoughts, replacing them with scripture and inspiration, making new friends, it was just amazing. This was my 2nd time serving and I had the opportunity to speak briefly on perseverance . . . my perseverance. I continue to say suffering is suffering is suffering and whether it’s physical pain or emotional pain, we all bleed the same. Financial struggles, stressful jobs, addiction, abuse, divorce, grief, overwhelming responsibilities, shame you can’t let go of, all of it requires perseverance and my belief in Jesus is HOW I persevere every day. It’s through my faith that I battle for control of my mind. The enemy places thoughts there, lies and deception, and he works hard every day to bring me down.  The enemy may have power, but we have power AND authority from God. Satan has zero authority over your life. God has made us in His image as beautiful, intelligent beings connected to Him through our soul (our mind, will and emotions).

My prayer for you today is that you find the power through God’s word to transform your mind and take your thoughts captive 2 COR 10:5. Dr. Caroline Leaf says “whatever you are thinking about the most will grow”. Let your thoughts dwell on God’s word to grow a relationship with Him! YOU are in control of your thoughts so take them captive and transform your mind.

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Migration of the Monarch Butterflies

This weekend I walked out to head down to the lake and saw an orange butterfly near me, then another. I stopped to watch them both for a minute even putting my hand out just for a second or two to see if one of them might land and then a third showed up, then a fourth. All four, bright orange, beautiful. I don’t know what to think of it, I mean, I wonder, does God let souls who have passed visit us? Could they be angels? Or maybe just beautiful butterflies created by the master artist.

I often have experiences like this with birds. Last week I was working at the kitchen counter and for two days in a row I had feathered visitors. A bright red cardinal landed on the skinny ledge of my window pane, not the window sill, the inside of the window where there is barely 1/2″ of ledge and pecked on the window. I see cardinals all the time. This one stayed there for a bit; so unusual because I’ve NEVER seen a bird land there. The next day a woodpecker did the same thing, landing on the skinny little ledge, pecking on the window to get my attention. Again, maybe they just see their reflection in the window and it’s nothing, but I often wonder if the birds are angels watching over us.

There is a “bird story” in my book you’ll have to check out; one I have never been able to explain. Sidebar.. . . . . the book is in typesetting with my publisher now and I have ISBN numbers for both hard-cover and soft-cover. Once I approve the typesetting/page layout, we move into cover design, then marketing and production of samples, so I’d say Feb/Mar before we’re done.

I have a perspective of nature that I didn’t have before. It brings me to thoughts of God’s creation and I believe that is intentional. Nature reminds us of the amazing landscape God has created. He wants us to look at the trees and plants and animals and realize, it’s all been given to us.  He has given us a copy of Heaven on earth to remind us of our real home.

I had been doing some research for a trip we are planning to take to California just after Christmas and began reading about the monarch butterflies that migrate to Pismo Beach, CA in the winter. They have this genetic homing device and go to the SAME place every winter. It is pretty fascinating when you think about it, but here’s what’s even more fascinating . . . no butterfly makes the round trip. Although the migration does extend the life of a butterfly from something like 6 weeks to 6 months, the females lay eggs and future generations complete the migration. I think I read 4 generations are involved in an annual cycle. So, it’s not like the elders are teaching the young ones “this is where we go and this is how we get there”; they haven’t been taught, they just know. How could anyone say there is not a creator when you look at everything around you? It’s all too perfect in its design.

I feel much like these butterflies that just know where HOME is. God has imprinted it on my soul and I continually say “there is something much bigger going on here”. Although every single day is filled with anguish, I hang onto the hope of going home one day, where my belief in Jesus grants me an eternal life, where I will be under His protection, I will see Tristan, I will no longer be in pain. I’ve always believed Jesus was my savior and the reason I could be forgiven for my sin with repentance and still go to Heaven. I didn’t always think about Heaven like this. Sometimes God allows things to happen to open our eyes, like a father that disciplines for the good of His children. I read in Galatians 2 “I have been crucified with Christ yet I live no longer”. I wrote in the margin “the old me is dead”. Before Tristan died, my focus was always on the future. . . moving my career up the ladder to make more money to retire early, always planning out our future, the boys’ future. Now I try to focus more on today because today could be the last day.

Do the butterflies know? Do they know that in all their preparation to migrate to a warmer climate to save themselves and extend their life that they will not make it back to wherever it is they came from? Maybe they know they aren’t coming back and the only goal is to make it through the trip. Persevere, do whatever it takes, but just get through it.

Every trial and every hardship is placed in front of you for a reason and there is a lesson learned in getting through. I know there is something bigger going on here. I know God has allowed this in our lives to prepare us and to prepare you for the trip HOME.

What has happened has changed us. Our faith is deeper, our belief is stronger, our ultimate goal is crystal clear. The pain we feel will never go away. 630 days of emotional turmoil. And if you think I’m okay because it’s been almost 2 years, I’m not. I still cry almost every day, six out of seven days mostly. No one sees the worst of it. Many don’t even ask how I’m doing any more. Life just keeps moving at the same pace for everyone else, but our days go by in slow motion, painstakingly slow, and so we wait, we wait to go home, but we live out whatever it is God has planned for us, finding purpose in our pain. Please don’t wait. Don’t wait for something bad to happen to change you. Seek out God, go to church to hear the word of God, read the Bible, PRAY, sin less, serve more. Let God inhabit all our moments, gracing us through our thoughts, word and actions with one another until we are home.

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Who’s in Charge?

The topic of authority has been on my mind for some time.

In the book I’m reading, Killing Kryptonite, John Bevere discusses the positive results the Israelites were granted when they obeyed the authority of God and worked together as a united front. Check it out in Joshua 6. They had taken Jericho because they put 100% faith in God, working together, even though I’m sure some of them thought walk around the city for six days, what? And now you want us to walk around it seven times? But they did it and the walls collapsed and they took the city! They trusted in the authority of God.

However, when they were not unified (i.e. one of them steals all the gold, silver, bronze in the city of Ai and keeps it for himself) bad things happened to them. Here Achan had fought and won the battle of Jericho leaving everything behind after God had commanded them to take nothing but then he just cannot resist his greed and disobeys.  The rest of them were likely thinking thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, dude! That’s all it took, an entire nations suffers.

Authority comes in many different roles and personalities. I was raised Catholic, so for me, there has always been authority in God’s commandments and the life of Jesus. As children we are taught our parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches are individuals we are expected to respect and obey.  Police officers have a level of authority monitoring our actions to ensure laws are upheld. If you have a job, you likely have a boss you have to listen to unless you have the pleasure of being self-employed. Even then, your investors may have some level of authority in how you’re spending their money. Within our government and religion, we have authority.

At times, our earthly authority figures have led us down the wrong path, mis-guided or mis-directed us. As a parent, I know I have made and continue to make mistakes. I’ve also had bosses admit to failed decisions they thought were going to turn into successes. Political figures, yep, lots of mistakes there.

Authority in the form of government creates a great divide in our nation;  republican, democrat, something in between.  Remember how it felt the days following September 11th though? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more united as an American. It didn’t matter what your political opinion was, we were one body; such camaraderie in the midst of a disaster.

Religious authority has caused an even greater divide with the latest sexual abuse scandal within the Catholic Church. The thought that leaders within the church hierarchy KNEW of matters and remained silent is just unbelievable. I’ve always looked at the church as a family, one body, and when trials and hardships hit, as a family, you unite to protect your family. I have seen first hand how families can play down hardships, maybe a teenage pregnancy or a drug/alcohol addiction, domestic abuse, financial woes, divorce or relationship failures. No one likes their dirty laundry aired for all to see.

The men that committed these crimes and the ones that covered it up are guilty. I pray they have remorse and repent for their sins for the sake of their salvation. I pray for the victims who respected and obeyed authority figures to only be taken advantage of and hurt by it. Priests are human and are not perfect, they are sinners just like I am, but under the authority of God’s commandments and laws built to protect, these crimes should never have happened.  So much evil in this world causing pain and sorrow. It does not surprise me to see the enemy bringing evil to infiltrate the Catholic Church. If the enemy was going to work his plan of temptation, corruption and annihilation of Christians, of course he would use those of faith in high ranking positions.

People have often asked me how our situation could have happened to us? You go to church every Sunday, Laura, you’re closer to God than anyone else I know, how could God have let this happen? Bad things happen under God’s authority. I will never have an answer to the question I ask every day, multiple times a day . . . “WHY!??!?!?!?!?”

But then I think, “Why wouldn’t God use us?” I would love to say that grief and sorrow only affects people who are mean and evil but I believe that the strong in faith can be tested to bring faith and God’s commandments to others. There is evil in this world and we sin and sin and sin until it’s mainstream and then it’s accepted and then it’s encouraged and then it’s applauded!? I pray for strength almost every day. Strength to trust God 100% even though I don’t have the answers, even though everything about what he’s asked me to endure seems wrong, even though I see evil, mean-spirited people who have things falling into place and everything going their way and I go, why aren’t THEY the ones suffering like I am?

God has found a reason to allow this pain in my life. I trust His authority. I respect and obey. He’s in charge of my life and the one thereafter. If you’ve read all the way to the end and you’re still hanging with me, stop and pray right now, would you please?

Pray for God’s authority to reign over ALL, unified as one body, filling us with trust in His ways, His timing. Pray for strength to fight temptation & sinful behavior, fight the evil that we see unfolding all around us. Lord, protect us. Pray for those who facilitate drug and sex trafficking, for those who abuse and molest others, pray for bullies, that they may all come to know what they do is wrong, there WILL be judgement. Pray they change and protect one another rather than take advantage. Pray God shows mercy on His believers and comes back soon.

 

 

 

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Shackles of a Bad Attitude

I read a prayer today from a God Tube email subscription delivered to my inbox daily. The prayer was for bad attitudes. It referred to James 1:2. This is where James tells Christians all the “stuff” in their life shouldn’t steal their joy. He asks them to “consider it all joy”. Let me tell you, that is the hardest thing to do. Consider this suffering joyful? No. It’s not.

The suffering isn’t joyful. This life feels like a prison sentence. Pain I will never escape. I feel like I could have handled anything but this. I could have handled a divorce, the loss of my job, cancer,  a house fire, the death of my spouse even (no offense, Wyatt). For the record, he already knows this. We’ve both said it. Losing each other or losing a child?

The pain brings perception. I think this is what James was getting at. Find a way to seek out the joy.

When I’ve stepped into my time machine in my mind and I think, what if this never happened, I go back to a time when I was happy, but I also know I was a little, sometimes a lot, complacent with my faith. I think about the friendships I’ve developed in the last 19-1/2 months, how my faith has grown, my knowledge of scripture has increased and I am doing my best to live a life pleasing to God. There are days I know God looks at me and goes “mmmm, I don’t know, Laura, C+ today, let’s try better tomorrow”

Pain brings on my bad attitude. I’ve been snapping, like a wounded animal that growls at their owner. I’m angry. I’ve literally prayed for the Holy Spirit to shut my mouth, don’t let me say anything critical or insensitive. I’m so easily irritated. The Bible uses the word “weary” when you are just broken down. Psalm 6:3-8 says it perfectly, “Have pity on me, Lord, for I am weak, heal me, Lord. How long? In your mercy, rescue me, all night long tears drench my bed, my eyes are dimmed with sorrow” (paraphrased for emphasis)

My Bible study group is currently reading Killing Kryptonite by John Bevere. Thank you, God, for these women, my Sonflower Sisters. Fellowship with these women is true medicine for my soul and it douses the bad attitude the minute I’m with them. The first 3 chapters of the book have already been enlightening. I realized when I finished the first chapter I would be sharing this on my blog and plan to continue sharing my insights from the book here, so hang with me.

One of the first discussion questions in the book is “If you could live a life like Jesus, what habits would you change?” Boy, was that timely. Right as I’m taking note of MY bad attitude, I’m reading, what can you change to be closer to God?  In my examination of conscience, I realize I have a long way to go starting with my bad attitude.

Here is what I wrote at the end of Chapter 1 (for the record I write and highlight and underline in books like I do my Bible):

Live like Jesus

  • child-like faith / 100% trust no matter what
  • never gossip or swear or use words that hurt feelings
  • never eat or drink too much
  • daily prayer time
  • compassion for others, no matter their background/circumstances
  • unconditional love
  • ability to heal
  • have peace
  • be patient, slow to anger, respond with love
  • humble
  • honest, never lie
  • resist temptation

Lofty list, huh? How amazing was Jesus though? I mean, C’MON, when you read that list, aren’t you like, this man was just beautiful. I just want to stand up and give Jesus a hug and say “Thank you so much for your example”.

So what does that have to do with kryptonite you may ask? As you know, kryptonite was Superman’s weakness. Kryptonite is anything that brings out our weaknesses and it can be contagious to others! John’s book says “Ask God to speak to you about your weakness and the reason for your weakness and then ask Him to free you from each one”.

I wrote in my book:

Need to control – my parents divorce, losing Tristan.  If I can control the outcome of situations and plan for every possible scenario I’ll never be left again, I’ll never be disappointed, I’ll never be hurt again.

People pleaser – with a fear of someone leaving comes a fear of rejection. I just want to do anything and everything so you’ll like me. You’ll like the work I’ve done, you’ll appreciate the snacks or food I prepared, you’ll enjoy the time with me because I’ve made sure to accommodate your needs. You’ll validate me.

Truth is, God allows us to be hurt sometimes. He already knows how we will grow from it, how we can use it to help others in similar situations when we lean into His plan. And I don’t need anyone to like me because God already loves me and that trumps everybody else! I’m worthy because HE says I am. So, I’m chucking the bad attitude out the window.

Lord, free me from the shackles of a bad attitude. Work in my heart and mind to transform my thinking from negative to positive — despite the struggles I face. Fill me with a joy that can only come from You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

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Inside-Out

How is it August?

The weeks and months pass quickly. Days however, do not. 559 days to be exact. I contemplate how each month’s passing brings me one step closer to going home to God, my reunion with Tristan, the end of our sorrow and suffering. I long for it. I’m not yet to the point in my grieving process where I can let go and live fully. I don’t think I ever will. I can’t help waking up in the morning, it just happens. If I had control, I wouldn’t. Wake up that is. My life is not in my control. I live for God’s purpose and I live to care for Wyatt and Colton.

I have moments where I can laugh at something funny.  I can jam out to a great song but it’s like a coffee break at work. Eventually you head back to your desk to the mundane tasks. Good days, bad days, dark days. Despite the bad and the dark days, I have gratitude. I am so grateful for Wyatt, my church, my adoration hour on Mondays, online sermons and coffee breaks.

Although our summer weather is nowhere near done, summer vacation is coming to an end. I work full time, so there’s really no “vacation” for me, but I have enjoyed sleeping in a little, not making a lunch every day and having more flexibility with our evenings. What’s nuts is I’m craving the routine I so desperately needed a break from!? Oh yah, she’s crazy. Isn’t that odd how we get to a point where we’re like “I gotta get outta here!” so you book a vacation and jet-set (or drive) somewhere and yet there is this tiny sigh of relief when you return home to your own bed, back to the routine. Maybe that’s just me. I AM a project manager and thrive on structure; routine feels good.

It’s like the conversations I have with my hairdresser, “let’s go lighter this time”, next time it’s, “I’d like to tone down the highlights” followed by, “I’m growing out my layers” and then, “let’s add some volume with layers”. What the? Guys reading this are probably like “What IS she talking about?”.

Ladies, you get it.

It’s being content, then needing change, content, need for change. It’s in those moments I try to recognize I don’t really need change, I need quiet. I need to hear God. I’m convinced when God stirs me up like this, there is no cut or color that’s going to bring me back to content; he’s asking me to work on the inside, not the outside.

When the outside doesn’t feel right, I let it affect the inside. Part of my routine that has slacked is my exercise & massage therapy. I physically feel a difference in my body because I haven’t been exercising as regularly as I should and that impacts my sleep and lack of sleep affects your mood and eating habits and it’s just a nasty hamster wheel to be on.  It’s like walking around with my shirt on inside-out all day.  I know as Colton goes back to school on Monday and we get back into our routine, I’ll feel better on the inside. Just a matter of choices. How many times have I said “Make good choices”. A daily mantra in our house. Those choices include getting to the gym and putting down the bowl of ice cream!

Our schedule is only about to get busier with homework and Cub Scouts and sports but I will make time for what I need. I know what’s good for me. God’s word shows me what is good for me. I will start there.  1 COR 3:16-17, 1 COR 10:31

 

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It’s Only Temporary

How many times have you had something going on in your life and in an effort to cope, you told yourself “it’s only temporary”.  I used to say it to my Project Managers when they had a doozie of a project or client that would make their work-day unbearable. Time and time again, I’d remind them “it’s only temporary” because the great thing about a project is it has a defined beginning and end. At some point, the project ends and we get to start a new one. Every project manager knows the sense of accomplishment that comes with completing a project and, even better, the relief that’s felt when you get to close the door and open a new one.

We often hear people say “this too shall pass” or maybe like Scarlett O’Hara, you just figure you’ll think about that tomorrow. When trials hit or pain strikes, we as impatient humans want it to be over as quickly as possible.  We tell ourselves and our loved ones “it’s only temporary” to pacify us mentally because we can all relate when we hear. . . .

I cannot deal with this job, this pain, this illness, this person, this financial crisis (fill in the blank), this situation forever.

This has to end.

So many struggles. So many different ways of coping. The evil one loves to see us struggle; when he’s got us down, when you’re in the darkness, it can be hard to find the light. Reminder: it’s only temporary. When we face problems, we want to make it stop. How easy it is to run away, avoid, deflect, blame, take a pill, anything to make it go away.

This week my trust in God waivered. I found myself praying for proof, asking for validation, wanting something that would help me cope,  help me acknowledge for the 1000th time, this life is only temporary. My suffering will one day end. I cried a lot this week. Over the 4th of July, I experienced many of my “triggers” that prompt an emotional reaction and when I suppress those emotions, they build up and come pouring out eventually. I was questioning why I pray at all when MY prayers aren’t answered. Side note: praying isn’t always about getting an answer; it’s about the relationship that develops from having a conversation with God.

A glass of wine doesn’t cut it. This isn’t about relaxing. My problem is forever (in this life) yet I still tell myself, it’s only temporary and my angels here on earth surrounded me with prayer this week and built up my trust and my hope in God again. They reminded me of the reward.

Non-believers don’t get it. Their hope lies in earthly possessions, earthly accomplishments. They are fulfilling the flesh for the life that ends when their body dies not grasping the true reward.  I’m living my life for the next one. This world is only temporary.  Heaven is a real place. I pray that those who only see this life can have their eyes opened by my witness and that of others to show them, there is so much more and God’s grace is enough if you let Him in.

The waiting is hard; really, really hard. I compared myself to a child who cries and cries and the parent says “now stop that crying for 30 minutes and I’ll give you a lollipop”. The kid has no concept of time, right, so 3 minutes go by, “Is it time for my lollipop now?”

How ’bout now?

Now?

I know if God were to show up and explain to me face to face why he has allowed my suffering it would be like me trying to explain quantum physics to a 5 year old and for the record, I know nothing about quantum physics, so He just says “wait, trust me, hang on, don’t despair. . . .it’s only temporary”.