“Happy” Renewed Year

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write. I told myself I’d get back to writing in my journal in 2020, a daily habit I’d had for years. It’s January 9th and although I do have a DIY bullet journal, I’m not back to frequent writing just yet.  I still make notes on my calendar so I can look back and remember what we did last weekend, last month. If I didn’t do that, I’d struggle.

Memory is a funny thing and I felt this brain fog when I came back to work after 2 weeks off over the holidays, kind of like coming out of a deep sleep. What was I working on before I left!? We’d spent 11 days away from home traveling up north, then further north, each trek taking the temperature down more and more. It was good to see family, really good, but as most who know me, I hate the cold. It was actually the warmest Christmas I can remember so it was not too bad and it didn’t reach the negative numbers when we went snowmobiling, so that’s good? Some of you are probably cringing hearing “negative numbers”. One year it was something like -19 and we were driving sleds across a frozen lake. This year, the lakes were not frozen, so it changed our traffic pattern a little. I bought myself a new pair of boots and gloves and forced myself to say “I’m so excited we’re going snowmobiling” thinking if I said it out-loud, it would make it true. LOL

My favorite part of snowmobiling is still the stops. We break for a snack/drink at small Wisconsin pubs to order cheese curds or a bloody mary with a beer chaser (locals nodding their heads). Those of us in GA are like “why would you need a beer chaser”? Not a need, it’s tradition. It is beautiful scenery out in the woods, everything covered in snow.

When I came back to GA on the 31st I still had a few days off as we were heading into January, our least favorite month. Tristan’s birthday was January 3rd. He would have been 14 this year. He loved snowmobiling and Colton loves it, so that’s why we still go. We stay at a different hotel than where we used to stay; too many memories and it’s just too painful. Those memories… there is no brain fog there. Those memories are pristine. God has built us as such a masterpiece with a brain that can recall different memories with a whiff of cinnamon rolls or cigar smoke. We have memories that replay in our minds when we hear a song or experience an emotion. I’ve often wished I could walk into my brain, like accessing a room of archives with the ability to access certain memories on demand and watch them like a movie where I can pause, rewind, play, pause, rewind, play. I imagine when I get to Heaven I’ll have the opportunity.

We are days away from the anniversary of Tristan’s accident and his leaving this earth and if I could hit the fast forward or just sleep through it, I would. Memories tied to emotional experiences are ones we remember best which is why you can remember your first kiss, a disagreement with a loved one, the day you got engaged/married, a car accident or the moment you gave birth to a precious life. We are so very complex in our thoughts, emotions, hormones, organs, nervous & cardiovascular systems, such an intricate design. I am in awe of God’s handiwork and constantly say “it’s all too perfect” for life as we know it to have been created any other way.

Life keeps going and we continue to ask the same questions that have plagued us for 3 years now. The pain hasn’t lifted and I’ve accepted it never will. I can experience happy moments and even laugh and sing but it all circles back to feeling the emptiness in our lives. The void will never be filled. One minute we’re laughing, the next we’re crying, literally. It happens over and over again. It’s so much more than missing him, it’s a lack-luster future. I find myself dwelling on the hope others have in this life seeing friends who have struggled overcome their financial woes, witnessing addicts turning their lives around, watching those who have lost a spouse find love again, desperate couples becoming parents through adoption. I see so many clinging to hope and experiencing joy in this life and my void remains. My hope remains, but not for this life. I struggle to see that anything in this life will fill the hole in my heart.

I had a dream recently that an evil person/demon was trying to coerce me, like Kylo Ren pressuring Rey to join the dark side. In the dream, I proclaimed Jesus as my savior, I called out his name and I was enveloped in a bright white/yellow light, almost the way the sun is more yellow in the center and has a white aura of light. I felt safe. I remember saying to the demon, “you can’t hurt me”. I knew I was protected. I felt light as if I was floating. It was like there was this bubble around me, protecting me, like Violet’s superpower in the Incredibles. I’m so thankful for dreams like this where I can experience that feeling. It’s one that is hard to physically experience when I’m awake even though I know, as a child of God, I am protected, not necessarily protected from harm, hard times or painful memories, but protected from that which can consume me in this life. A dear friend often refers to Romans 12:2 “do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”.

Although I have memories that often send me into an emotional downward spiral, I have the will of God which renews my mind. I have the power of my renewed mind providing strength to endure this life and that only comes from God. I’ve said “Happy New Year” multiple times in the last 9 days and every time I have this bitter roll-of-the-eyes. . .yah, “happy”, pssssh. Although it’s a challenge to use the word “happy”, I am renewed for another year. God continues to renew me through the Bible, mass & adoration, through volunteering, writing, exercise & sleep, through friends & family.

Here’s to a renewed mind and may God bless you in 2020.