The Latter Days

It’s been just over a month since my last post. Work has become busier but we’ve also made a point to spend our weekends on the lake and have had many visitors this summer. I’ve often said I feel like I’m running a B&B, washing sheets & towels over and over and over again, but it means we have lots of family & friends that want to spend time with us. We’ve spent many weekend mornings up early, on the water when it’s like glass so Colton can wakeboard without disruption. He’s getting REALLY good.

Another great thing about downtime at the lake is my morning coffee. It’s the best feeling to wake up and grab that first cup (there will be another) and just stare out the window. Toward the end of June I decided to start re-reading the Bible and I tend to listen/read when I first wake up or during the aforementioned coffee routine. YouVersion is such a great app with many different options for getting into the word of God. Download it if you don’t have it!! I chose a plan to read the Bible in historical sequence based on my hubby’s recommendation. It started with Genesis (obviously) then Job and Exodus. I’m curious to see how it will bounce around when I get to the new testament gospels, repeating some of the same stories that Matthew, Mark, Luke and John each lived during their time with Christ.

Summer has gone by quickly, especially now that we only have 2 weeks left before Colton goes back to school (Aug 12). He had a wonderful time at Camp WinShape , Camp Woodlands (both in Cleveland, GA), Nike basketball camps, and Thunder Road music studios. We so enjoyed watching him play in a band at a local restaurant to show off their hard work!

The weeks without a scheduled camp, like this week and the next two, are difficult for him. He says “I have no one to play with”. I hate to hear that. I hate that God has left this precious boy without his best friend and brother. As I read/listened to the book of Job, I kept thinking, if I was as faithful through my suffering as Job, perhaps God would bless us again?

The Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than in the beginning. Job 42: 12

It’s been 2-1/2 years without Tristan and I cannot see a time in this earthly life where we will ever feel more blessed than we were from Jan 2006 to Jan 2017. I am still suffering through every day and even if it looks like I’m doing okay (laughing, engaged in conversation, smiling for a picture) it’s a moment. At some point when I get alone, I feel the gut punch that brings me right back to my reality reminding me of what I’m missing. Every weekend at the lake is a distraction, work is a distraction. Nothing has changed in 2-1/2 years except that I can say what happened out loud without breaking down. Great, what good does that do? People may think, “that’s good, you’re doing better!” No, not really. I’m just comfortably numb. It is still the first thing I think about every morning when I wake and every evening before I drift off to sleep.

How can this be how things turned out?

Why did this happen, Lord?

How long, Lord? How long do we have to live with this?

Those questions are on repeat, looping through my brain, over and over every single day, when I’m awake AND when I’m asleep.

Colton is going into 5th grade this year. Tristan never finished the 5th grade. I feel like I’m stepping into a dark abyss, this area of life I should have already experienced. I’ve watched friends who have already experienced 5th grade graduation with their kids, started middle school and are now about to start 8th grade and I feel like I’ve been left behind, like I should still be there with those moms, with those experiences under my belt. I can’t talk about what middle school math is like because I don’t know. I can’t talk about what the social scene at school is like for teenagers because I don’t know. I hate it. I can’t even comprehend what it will feel like this November when Colton turns 11. It is so awkward that he will soon be the same age as Tristan. Will he be the same height as Tristan with the top of his head reaching the middle of my nose? Sometimes I hear Tristan when Colton talks and I do a double-take. For one split second I think , was it all just a bad dream?

I’ve had many orange sunsets, visits from orange butterflies, constant taps on the window from birds and sweet moments where I know my words have had an impact but it’s never enough and I’m sorry, Lord. It’s hard to be grateful for what I have when what I had was so much better but I try every day. Every day I start over and I ask God to help me through the day, to show me the purpose in my pain.

How long was it for Job, how long between the tragedy in his life and his next blessing? How many days until he got to the “latter days”? The Bible says he lived 140 years AFTER and saw his sons and grandsons, but how long did he suffer prior? All the times in the past when I read Job, it felt quick; God blessed him, what, maybe a few months later? Maybe he endured 10 or 20 years suffering!? I pray for patience and wait on you, Lord. I only see my salvation as the “next blessing” and that feels like an eternity away. I’m thankful this life is temporary and every day that passes is one more day closer to celebrating an eternity in God’s kingdom and being reunited with Tristan. #waiting