I’ve been in the south for 15 years now and there are a few things about the south I’m just used to, like, ice storms that cause people to run to the grocery store to stock up on milk and bread, one syllable words that come out as two and completely different bugs, bugs we just didn’t have in Illinois. The weather, obviously, has been the best difference with our long spring/summer months and mild winters (despite the aforementioned ice storms). Today I had a first of encounters I had not yet experienced in the south.
I have been flying solo this week with Wyatt in Kansas for a project launch since last Wednesday and Colton away at WinShape camp since Sunday. Being without my landscape crew, I mean, my Schupbach men, I was tasked with mowing the lawn this week with a little weeding on the side. Neighbors literally slowed down as they drove by the other night, is that Laura, mowing? One person actually stopped, huge smile on his face and he mouthed
“That. Is. AWESOME!”
I gave him a thumbs down with a smirk and blew my hair out of my eyes and kept on trucking. One of the things that I’ve come to deal with and even expect at times, on a very infrequent basis when I’m out in the yard is. . . snakes. My sister is likely sitting with her shoulders shrugged up to her ears reading this right now. She cannot even stand to see a snake on t.v. On a few occasions, it’s just a harmless black snake, but honestly, I can count on one hand how many times I’ve even come across a black snake in the yard.
As I was cleaning off the back patio, I moved a propane tank for the grill and went back to the same spot and there was a baby copperhead I hadn’t noticed when I lifted the tank. Note to northerners, these suckers will latch on and not let go plus the mother is likely not far and you don’t want that. I’ve seen Wyatt take care of this type of situation, so I grabbed a shovel and mustered up the strength. I can do this. My first attempt was an epic fail and the snake was mad as heck, lifting its head, mouth wide open, full on battle-mode. Recognize, these guys are little, so hopefully you’re not picturing a viper with fangs.
Just yesterday I mowed right next to that spot and was weeding in tall grass in another part of the planting beds! These little guys, they tend to hide out. I had on jeans and socks & shoes so I was being smart, but he certainly surprised me. It got me thinking, how LONG had that snake been under there?
At times, my emotions can hide out in a dark place, much like the crevice under the tank, surprising an unsuspecting passerby. I had an emotional Sunday night after dropping Colton off at camp by my lonesome returning home to an empty house and Monday morning wasn’t any better after a nearly sleepless night. I was in a mood and I could feel myself getting frustrated at everything, mostly work. I was a little like that snake, ready to snap. I did get a little feisty with my boss that morning. He probably wanted to smack me with a shovel. Eventually I did have a breakdown.
In my emotional tantrum, I asked God (again) “Why? Wasn’t there another path for us? Is this really what you want? I can’t do this any more.” I know I am not physically suffering. I’m in good health (cholesterol numbers aside) living in our beautiful house with clean sheets and hot showers with plenty of food and clothing and a million things to be grateful for, but inside, I’m still waiting, desperately waiting for God to help me understand. How is this my life? Sometimes I just want to stay in my dark crevice of the world. I was tempted to crawl back into the bed. I kept having a conversation with God as if he was sitting right next to me.
I still get so mad. I ask “Why wouldn’t you let this happen to someone who really needs to have their life turned around?” I stopped and heard “Wow, Laura, do you really think you had it all figured out before this?” I didn’t. I still don’t, but I am closer in my relationship with God and I know that means everything for my eternity. I didn’t give that snake much of a chance after it lashed out at me. I am so thankful that God forgives me time and time again every time I lash out at Him, second guessing His motives, asking for an explanation, judging His plan to be less than perfect . His grace is so much more than what I deserve.
I receive it.
A friend recently gave me an orange bracelet that says HOPE and she said “I knew it was just perfect for you”. It is. Another precious orange moment that reminds me how lucky I was to be Tristan’s mom. Despite my emotional roller coaster rides and battles with serpents, I always, always rest in the arms of my Creator. He brightens the darkest places and lifts me up.
As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up. John 3:14
Thank you for sharing your heart time and time again. I know I cannot say anything to make things better for you and I cannot say I understand your grief and your pain. Yet through all you’ve been through, you minister to and encourage so many! This is not to say I haven’t been through tough times or experienced the loss of a loved one. But, I have not had to experience the loss of a child. Because of this, I’m very hesitant to reach out and try to talk to or encourage people who have had to go through this. I’m always afraid I’ll say something stupid or trite. But, when I read your book where you wrote about the people who had moved on with their lives and not called, texted or written to you and how hurtful and painful that was for you, I realized that I have to put my hesitation and fears aside and reach out anyway. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for leaning on the God of ALL comfort and having such an AMAZING faith in Him. Thank you for reaching out to others despite your tremendous loss, grief and pain.